I just heard that it reached 90 degrees in Arizona, which I'm told is the record for earliest 90 degree day there ever. This happened as the rain continues to drizzle in the plizzle where I livel fo shizzle. Did you just see how my language devolved into 1990's Snoop Dog? How uncool was that? … Continue reading Up Bitter Creek Friday Giftures
holidays
Your Day of Reckoning is Coming
I was born in California, close to LA. When I was 6 we moved to New York, Long Island to be exact. Then all my chances of and becoming a bi-coastal superstar and ever being cool died at the age of 8, when we moved to South Dakota. South Dakota is not only in the … Continue reading Your Day of Reckoning is Coming
Monday Morning Snapback
After one of the more memorably mentally exhausting weekends in recent memory, we can finally put the objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear(the rear view mirror). Now that it is Monday morning, we can make like Abe Lincoln and start slaying Zombies and make like George Washington and start chopping down … Continue reading Monday Morning Snapback
The Four Chambers of my Bitter Heart
I'm seeing a lot of hearts around lately. When I was at Target, I saw them on little cards with basketball players, Spongebob and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. They had really bad pun sayings on them that only I would appreciate. (Even kids groan at these things.) There was also candy and chocolate … Continue reading The Four Chambers of my Bitter Heart
The Bitter Groundhog
Let's face it. The groundhog is famous for only two things. Every February they are known for disappointing millions of people by seeing their shadow or not seeing their shadow(whichever one it is, I don't think anyone knows) and predicting that we have 6 more weeks of winter. Though if you want to be disappointed … Continue reading The Bitter Groundhog
Fit Bitterness
It's mid January, which means all your dreams of getting in shape have been dashed like the Death Star at the end of Star Wars (spoiler warning too late if you haven't seen a movie that came out in 1977). Though I can find bitterness in even the most benign situations, other less bitter individuals … Continue reading Fit Bitterness
Bitter Billionaire Ben
Since I probably won't win that Powerball thingy because I'm not really a 1 in a billion odds kind of winner, I need to rethink the way I'm going to get the dollars in your pockets to mine. I tried to build the world's strongest vacuum that would suck the money directly from your wallets, … Continue reading Bitter Billionaire Ben
Then end of the World..I mean the end of the Year Bitter Giftures
As R.E.M. said, "It's the end of the Year as we know it, and I feel bitter." As I do my end of year bitterness reviews, I realize how little I did, and I realize I can do way better next year. And by way better, I mean do way less than I did this … Continue reading Then end of the World..I mean the end of the Year Bitter Giftures
The Bitter Body Swap
A little while ago, I was telling my son about the glamorous life of being an adult and he was like, "Dad, I totally want to trade. I want to go to work, and you can go to my school! You can be the kid and I can be an adult. You can do boring … Continue reading The Bitter Body Swap
Things you are Bitterly Sick Of (Besides my Blog)
I'm sure some people are going to claim they had a good holiday and they got everything they wanted and did everything they wanted and got along so well with their families or had some good time away. But as you know, being bitter is about thinking about things in a whole different way than … Continue reading Things you are Bitterly Sick Of (Besides my Blog)
Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Day v. Night
Annnd...now the awkward season of "Did I accomplish anything this year?" begins. At least for people that actually have goals and stuff. Those people are probably hard at work with guilt and regret and suffering because they didn't live up to goals. And scheming is taking place to start new goals. That must cause … Continue reading Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Day v. Night
Some Last minute Friday Gif Ideas
I feel you, last minute procrastinator shoppers. I'm out shopping for my last minute gifs RIGHT NOW. For some reason all the stores seem to be closed, but I'm bound and determined...just kidding, I'm just wandering around out here. Where is everyone by the way? How is it that I'm am supposed to get … Continue reading Some Last minute Friday Gif Ideas
All I want for Christmas…
When someone tries to teach me something, they need to bring visual aids. If it is math, I need some story problems. If it is science, I need a telescope. If it is a restaurant you are trying to convince me to go to, bring me a pizza from there. You can't ask … Continue reading All I want for Christmas…
Bitter Ben’s Christmas Letter
Friends, Family and other Bitter People I know: This year was so exciting, I almost forgot to send out my Christmas Letter. I know you guys aren't my family, but you ignore me just as much as my family does, so I consider you just like them. I couldn't afford postage to send this to … Continue reading Bitter Ben’s Christmas Letter
Getting your Priorities Straight Friday Giftures
I feel like we are all a little out of whack here. And by that I mean all of YOU are out of whack. I've noticed that you bums are all busy doing nice things for others, attending parties that you are actually having fun at, and enjoying food other than pizza. And to … Continue reading Getting your Priorities Straight Friday Giftures
Taking over the World
It was 1998 when I knew I wanted to take over the world. Pinky and the Brain inspired it. (If a couple of lab rats can almost do it, I certainly could with my human like size.) My best friend from college and I always talked about it and planned it. We would start slowly with him … Continue reading Taking over the World
The Bitter Gauntlet
I was born in the 70's, which means...I grew up in the 80's. If you've read the history books about the 80's (or lived in them) it was a colorful time...literally. Colors that no other decade would even touch (like neon anything), fabrics no other decade would wear (parachute pants?), and hairstyles no other decade … Continue reading The Bitter Gauntlet
Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Sweet vs. Salty
You would think that this time of year, with the spirit of the holidays, competition would begin to tail off a little bit. But you would be wrong. Things seem to heat up even more for some reason. Rivalries start to get even more intense. The Great American Light Fight has expanded the fight to … Continue reading Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Sweet vs. Salty
Unstable Friday Giftures
I've been thrown off kilter this week, because for some reason I decided to take the whole week but Friday off. Getting up for one day of work is exhausting and I think after already 20 minutes of work I have done already, I'm already ready for the weekend. Remind me next time to just … Continue reading Unstable Friday Giftures
The Bitter Safety Dance
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about me. Listen closely now. Ready? I have a little trouble with authority. Ever since I was young. Close your mouth from the shock. Take you finger out of the light socket. You don't want to get shocked a second time. Remove your tongue from the … Continue reading The Bitter Safety Dance
Ben's Bitter Blog 