It is again that time of year when I get to celebrate all the people asking me stupid questions like, “What are you going to do today?” and “What kind of cake do you want?” and “What presents did you get?” and “How can I annoy you the most today on the day that you want to be annoyed the least?”. “How can I make the day that you used to look forward to be the day you dread the most?”. “What cheesy phrase can I spit out from my arsenal of cheesy phrases that will make you groan the most?” I have several other questions that I just can’t wait to hear, but I’m hoping that you are smart enough to figure out the point by now. If not, I have a super deep hole you can jump in that will help you figure it out quite easily. As you know, I have a lot of things to be bitter about this year, but there’s something about this time of year that makes me want to reveal 41 things that make me bitter. So here goes:
1. Llamas. How is it that they are any different than alpacas? And any animal that is famous for spitting is bitter in my book.
2. Railroad signs.
3. Crowds. Cause other people.
4. Tree buds. Yeah more trees on the way.
5. Empty Pizza Boxes. So pointless!
6. Fone callz. Cause phone calls are bad enough.
8. Bags (under my eye).
9. Hair. It is everywhere except where I want it and costs money to remove.
10. Clocks. Cause ain’t nobody got time for that.
11. Flowers. They would be even worse if I were allergic to them.
12. Las Vegas. Cause every casino doesn’t look exactly the same inside.
13. Pictures of Sunsets. How do you know they aren’t sunrises?
14. Pillows on couches. When I have to throw 15 off the couch just to sit down, there might be too many.
15. Fingernails. They only protect the upper part of my fingers.
16. Toenails. They don’t protect my toes at all.
17. Emoji’s. Still not a good one for bitter.
18. Candles. Too much of a middleman.
19. Plates. The splinter’s from them breaking aren’t hurting enough people’s feet.
20. Gloves with cut off fingers. Because why again?
21. Expensive sunglasses. Because I want them, but always lose them.
22. Flat tires. Because I got one at the worst time and I had to change it.
23. Wi-fi. Because it only works when I’m working on Word.
24. Bottlecaps. Soda blocker.
25. Cords. In order to have cordless things there always needs to be cords. What?
26. Tulips. Shouldn’t one be enough?
27. Sneezing. So I’m not allowed to open my eyes while sneezing just once?
28. Pants. Getting in the way of comfort since they were invented.
29. Skulls. Blocking my idiotic statements from getting out since 1973.
30. Rubik’s Cube. I guess Rubik was tired of trying to figure it out, so he sold his cube to see if someone else could figure it out.
31. Bitcoins. Because fake Monopoly money isn’t enough fake money.
32. Splinters. Who knew something so small could not only burrow itself so deeply into the skin, but irritate so completely.
33. Bowling. Because it is possible for a little kid to beat a grown adult by accident.
34. School. Math? Science? Why?
35. Taffy. So much work to eat.
36. Bologna. Because blogs don’t taste like meat.
37. Scissors. Why can’t I run with them?
38. Lungs. They should store more so I can at least walk up some stairs without breathing heavily.
39. Convenience stores. What is convenient about paying 20 dollars for a hot dog that is spinning on some metal conveyer belt?
40. Facts. Because who needs them when you are in the middle of an argument?
41. Spots. Cause my eyes, and dogs and shirts don’t need them.
Enough of these shenanigans. I’m off to celebrate by getting annoyed by everyone and their stupid questions like, “So what was Moses like?” and “What was there before dirt?” jokes. I can’t wait.
If you need even more reasons to be bitter, check out last year’s 40 reasons to be bitter.
Bitter Birthday Ben