The Jerk Store called and said they ran out of Bitter Giftures


It’s pronounced Gifture.

Who is ready for this week to end? Who has had just about enough of this crap? Whose eyeballs just can’t take it anymore? Yeah, me either. If you think you are sick of reading this blog for a fourth day in a row, how do you think I feel having write it for a fourth day in a row? So yes, this is the last post you will ever read from me, until Sunday. Speaking of this week, kind of been a jerk don’t you think? Like it wasn’t just an individually bitter week, there was enough jerks lying around to, you know, start a jerk store. I thought of starting one myself because we would have endless supply around, but the demand for more jerks in people’s lives hasn’t quite been there. Especially at the high prices I was charging and the bad customer service I was offering. Well, you can always peruse the store in case you were feeling a little too good about your Friday. Check out some of the jerks that are on sale this week.

Patches O’Houlihan will be there…


…to put a wrench in your weekend plans. 

This biker is always glad to give you a high five…


…to the face, with his tire. 

This jerk knows you have to go to the bathroom…


…but you will have to do the Macarena for it first. 

This jerk knows you worked hard custom making your bike…


…but he’s going to make a spectacle of himself with it in the Tour de France.

This jerk told you that you could catch a ride…


…as long as you could jump in without him having to stop or slow down. 

This jerk told he wasn’t competitive at all…


…until you guys played the limbo. 

This jerk promised he wouldn’t try to psyche you out at all…


…but didn’t promise his pet bird that he got at the jerk store wouldn’t. 

I’m not gonna say that the wind came from the jerk store…


…but it did (on sale this week). 

You know who the biggest jerks are at school…


…ask Bill Nye. They call Pluto a dwarf planet.

Oh my gosh, the ball accidentally…


…careened off my foot into your face. 

The jerk catcher…


…was clearly standing in the wrong place for this pitch which was juuust a little bit outside.

And this is how jerks love to make the AV club mad…


…by dropping the microphone.

As I said above, I will not be posting for you tomorrow, so you will have to provide your own source of bitterness. I know how you all are, with you laziness and unwillingness to try some new kind of bitterness, but I know you can do it. If, I the laziest and bitterest person I know can find bitterness, you surely can. Find it in the little things, the lame things, the big things. Just make sure you are ready for some bitterness when it is easy. On Monday.


Bitter Jerk Store Manager Ben

28 thoughts on “The Jerk Store called and said they ran out of Bitter Giftures

  1. A Jerk Store? Maybe we could lock the doors, like, with a heavy chain, so they couldn’t get out? I have a few I’d throw in there, including anyone who’s ever swerved into a puddle just to splash me! That’s the subject of my blog this week, puddles and jerks!! You’re rubbing off on me, Ben.


    • Oh my gosh that is probably me swerving into puddles. I don’t do them when people are near, but I love splashing those things. It’s like they call my name to splash. They have magnetic powers over me.


  2. I have reached the pinnacle , here in NY City where the be bitterest people on the planet live. I have been shoved pushed kicked cursed and that was just during mass. I love this


  3. I know where there’s a jerky store, but not a jerk store. Actually, it’s just a roadside stand. And if you eat that jerky, the bitter taste will repeatedly rise to your mouth all weekend long.


  4. I hear you are on sale at the jerk store this weekend. I think I’ll buy you and stuff you in a closet somewhere where you will never see pizza, couches and video games again…oh yeah, and computers.


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