It’s mid January, which means all your dreams of getting in shape have been dashed like the Death Star at the end of Star Wars (spoiler warning too late if you haven’t seen a movie that came out in 1977). Though I can find bitterness in even the most benign situations, other less bitter individuals such as everyone else that isn’t me, need broken goals or broken dreams in order to feel bitterness.
Most people need help getting in to that place. While I’m about the least helpful person I know, when it comes to helping people become bitter, let’s just say I’m pretty good at helping push people off a cliff.
You know how the latest fitness craze is those stupid watches that have a pedometer that count your steps so you know that you made it 10,000 steps in a day? Like the 10,000 steps is a magical amount that guarantees success in life? If that were true I would have been three times as successful in life in December 2013 when I was in Orlando, FL on a six-amusements-park-in-seven-days binge. When in fact, that was the least successful time in my life. I was suckered losing so many dollars by the evil Disney corporation, that the only change I got back was bitterness. And that was just the money for parking.
What I’m trying to get at is that I have a new device coming out called the Fit Bitterness. This device will get you to a place of bitterness WAY before January 15th. In fact, this device will pre-sabotage your goals of getting in shape and get you to bitterness way before you got there previously.
Since most of you will buy this Fit Bitterness for Christmas or for your December birthday, it will get you in bitter mode way before the new year. This device will do the same thing as a Fit Bit, but will enhance you laziness in other ways. It will discourage you from getting up from the couch. It will encourage you to order extra cheese on your extra cheese pizza. It will encourage you to find a job where sit down 90% of the day and move you into not moving 99% of the time(nobody’s perfect..ly bitter like me).
As you know, getting less fit is also greatly increased by stress. This watch will encourage you to get in messes you don’t normally get into. Talking to a boss or other authority figure you normally avoid. Going to a party where a crush is flirting with other people. It will even get you to watch the political debates. It will get you to care about your social media, and even get you to watch the Kardashians show where they complain about losing an earring in the ocean and wanting you to feel sorry for them.
Now that you are properly hyped about all the features, and are unable to think about anything else until you can get your hands on one, here is your chance to pre-order one. All you have to do is send me $19.99 and pay the shipping and handling of $10,000(hey, shipping has gone up a tad in the last few days) to get it to you by December 24, 2020. Start your stress today!
Bitter Fit Bitterness Ben