Coming Soon – A Bitter Rap Musical

Yeah, we know.

Yeah, we know.

You know how you feel way more comfortable being a psychopath at home than you do at work or other public places? Like for instance, you have no qualms about using weird voices or talking really loudly or walking around with no shoes or socks on? Just me? Whoops. Well, there is this thing we do at home which is megaton crazy. We break out in song at random times with tunes that we know, (just like in a musical)but with words that make no sense at all with the song. The object of the game is to either make the other people laugh or to wholesale embarrass the kids into never wanting to be seen in public with us again. Most of the time, the kids sue us for emancipation and we have to go to court to get them back.

For instance, it could be the song like, “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio, but sung with words like, “I’m gonna beat you unless you go to your bed! Then, I’m going to throw your Nerf Guns into the swamp! And lock in you in a very high tower! If you don’t stop changing the channel, I’m going to make you smell my smelly socks for an hour!” You know, stuff like that. Anyone else? Just me?

So we were annoying our kids the other day, and I was like, “Why are we just annoying them? Why keep this amazing talent we have to ourselves? Should we sell lessons like this to other parents? Should we do a YouTube video? Should we annoy the neighborhood kids by doing it at their houses like they annoy us at our house?” They were all really good ideas, but I didn’t think big enough.

Then I thought, “Why don’t we just write a whole bitter story around this, make up songs to other rap music and do a straight up Bitter Rap Musical. There is no way this can fail, because no one else has ever done it.”

So here is the plan. The first step is to book Carnegie Hall. I’m sure barely anyone uses it, the rent is probably free, and the audience would be pretty small. The downside is that the acoustics are probably pretty poor. For those of you who don’t know, it’s like this abandoned warehouse in New York somewhere.

The next step would be trying to find other people out there that can’t really carry a tune, just as badly as us. They also need mad rapping skills (and by mad I mean like slightly upset and bitter about the little things). We need even more incompetent people than us, so we can look like stars compared to them. Those people are pretty hard to find.

That's the reaction we are hoping from our fans.

That’s the reaction we are hoping for from our fans.

The next step will be figuring out how we handle all the fame. Will we be the kind of people that will buy lots of cars, and houses and big vaults for all our money? Or will be slowly self destruct over time? Will be be the kind that will be super arrogant and start long riders(those lists of demands we have whenever we make an appearance) where ever we go? Appear on Jay Leno, David Letterman, Johnny Carson and Arsenio Hall shows wearing gold chains but feigning humility? Or will we turn to into recluses and slowly turn mad while growing fingernails and hiding out in our mansions?

Will 50 cent be our model for fame?

Will 50 cent be our model for fame?

So my question to all of you who have rocketed to fame like we will soon, any life lessons we should know about? Any tips you might be able to give on how we can crash and burn the best? Any suggestions on the most ridiculous demands we can have so someday someone will put us on their most ridiculous rider list?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Rap Musical Ben

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55 thoughts on “Coming Soon – A Bitter Rap Musical

  1. “The next step would be trying to find other people out there that can’t really carry a tune, just as badly as us. They also need mad rapping skills (and by mad I mean like slightly upset and bitter about the little things). We need even more incompetent people than us, so we can look like stars compared to them. Those people are pretty hard to find.” – Count me in! πŸ˜€ This could mean I could finally put my poor singing voice to good use! I scared my neighbours away by singing, so I’m all good for this!

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  2. I can’t rap for squat, but I’m good at poop/butt improvs. My son loves it when the Miracles’ Love Machine becomes the Poop Machine. Also, Bon Jovi’s Bad Medicine morphs beautifully into Butt Medicine.

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  3. Ps. some time ago I posted the plans for my musical “Ben and Jerry’s, the musical” on my blog ” And Gutenberg Lived Here ” With a little adaption, and a whole lot of bitterness, it could possibly be even better than Les Miserables. Perhaps Les Bitter Insults? Or Ice C and the bitter cream machine. But I guess you probably work alone. And that makes me bitter.

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  4. I’ve discovered over the years, that to sing on top of spaghetti, at the top of my lungs, while cooking, can usually get someone into the kitchen at some point-even if it is only to complain they can’t hear the tv-the sterio-the planes flying overhead. then you have them. I’ll stop singing when you….(chop carrots, do the dusting…) If you need someone for your musical, let me know. I’m a real old yeller. as to the loot, I’ll take mine in ones, please. which I will pile up on top of the mattress, and roll in it. at least until taxes are due.

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  5. Sign me up, fer sure. I also do this at home just to annoy the lads but I choose uber cheesy musical numbers. Think Sound of Music’s ‘I am 16 going on seventeen’ but my lyrics are more like ‘I am eleven, going on twelve, a stinky boy that’s me. My armpits so stinky, room is so messy. Moving out soon am I.’ Yes, I am very talented. (On my rider will be unlimited cups of tea and chockie bikkies. Hardcore.)

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  6. sure i can sing off key. i learned it from my ex wife. but….rap feels eternally awkward for a guy like me who enjoys hard-core harp music…except for that “Cupcake Rap” (senseless, shameful self promotion of my blog) I wrote on thelostkerryman.com (no St Paddy’s T-shirts available, nor “Make Ireland Great Again” ball caps available at this time). I have never written a musical, as I detest them, except for choreography, which I can do in my sleep (they are better that way).

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  7. Eh, I would pay to see that. But only because I already live in NYC. If I walk out of your show, I know where to get a good hot dog. From that nice man on the corner who never seems to leave his cart to go to the bathroom…

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  8. Pingback: Coming Soon – A Bitter Rap Musical – Thatswutshised

  9. I’ve been working on my ill at ease approach to rapping. So far I’ve been rapping badly while in the shower, but I’m slowly working up to rapping badly at the sink in the bathroom, while looking in the mirror. So far the only people bitter about my attempts at rapping have been my wife and kids. This leads me to believe that I’m almost ready to be unleashed on an unsuspecting public any day now. My only demand is that I have a shower and a sink waiting for me when I arrive on stage at Carnegie Hallβ€”I’ll bring the gold chains and fake humility myself.

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  10. Well, you’ve come to the right place! I’m not sure if you know this but I just so happen to be the bassist and evil leader of my family band, The Cheesebergens, who dedicate our careers to writing songs about ridiculous things and are actually looking to make a living out of it. Our rider is very extensive and includes golden toilet seats and boxes of Godiva chocolates backstage for each band member with the coconut ones taken out in advance and then the boxes should be rewrapped. Yeah, so far we haven’t been booked anywhere…

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  11. I suggest not trying this. That way, instead of feeling bitter with disappointment over your inevitable failure, you can feel bitter about what could have been, if you’d only had the courage to try.

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