You know how you feel way more comfortable being a psychopath at home than you do at work or other public places? Like for instance, you have no qualms about using weird voices or talking really loudly or walking around with no shoes or socks on? Just me? Whoops. Well, there is this thing we do at home which is megaton crazy. We break out in song at random times with tunes that we know, (just like in a musical)but with words that make no sense at all with the song. The object of the game is to either make the other people laugh or to wholesale embarrass the kids into never wanting to be seen in public with us again. Most of the time, the kids sue us for emancipation and we have to go to court to get them back.
For instance, it could be the song like, “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio, but sung with words like, “I’m gonna beat you unless you go to your bed! Then, I’m going to throw your Nerf Guns into the swamp! And lock in you in a very high tower! If you don’t stop changing the channel, I’m going to make you smell my smelly socks for an hour!” You know, stuff like that. Anyone else? Just me?
So we were annoying our kids the other day, and I was like, “Why are we just annoying them? Why keep this amazing talent we have to ourselves? Should we sell lessons like this to other parents? Should we do a YouTube video? Should we annoy the neighborhood kids by doing it at their houses like they annoy us at our house?” They were all really good ideas, but I didn’t think big enough.
Then I thought, “Why don’t we just write a whole bitter story around this, make up songs to other rap music and do a straight up Bitter Rap Musical. There is no way this can fail, because no one else has ever done it.”
So here is the plan. The first step is to book Carnegie Hall. I’m sure barely anyone uses it, the rent is probably free, and the audience would be pretty small. The downside is that the acoustics are probably pretty poor. For those of you who don’t know, it’s like this abandoned warehouse in New York somewhere.
The next step would be trying to find other people out there that can’t really carry a tune, just as badly as us. They also need mad rapping skills (and by mad I mean like slightly upset and bitter about the little things). We need even more incompetent people than us, so we can look like stars compared to them. Those people are pretty hard to find.
The next step will be figuring out how we handle all the fame. Will we be the kind of people that will buy lots of cars, and houses and big vaults for all our money? Or will be slowly self destruct over time? Will be be the kind that will be super arrogant and start long riders(those lists of demands we have whenever we make an appearance) where ever we go? Appear on Jay Leno, David Letterman, Johnny Carson and Arsenio Hall shows wearing gold chains but feigning humility? Or will we turn to into recluses and slowly turn mad while growing fingernails and hiding out in our mansions?
So my question to all of you who have rocketed to fame like we will soon, any life lessons we should know about? Any tips you might be able to give on how we can crash and burn the best? Any suggestions on the most ridiculous demands we can have so someday someone will put us on their most ridiculous rider list?
Bitter Rap Musical Ben