Bitter Reasons to be tall

He's bitter about being a head shorter than me.

He’s bitter about being a head shorter than me.

I guess today is a holiday, though how would I know it?  I’m at work, doing work (well, not right now) and I see no evidence of it being a holiday at all other than there are some oversized spiders hanging from the ceiling and spider webs everywhere. There is also some weirdo that doesn’t have a head riding around on his horse annoying me.  When I asked him to get off his high horse and measure our heights back to back, he was about a head shorter than me.  Sure he was a little bitter about having no head and all, but nowhere near the bitterness I have in being tall.

It happens automagically.

It happens automagically.

Accidental Greatness.  Try as I might, because of my height, I can’t control being good at sports. I try to avoid being near basketball courts by laying on my couch doing nothing, because whenever I walk on a court, I am accidently blocking shots, doing 360 windmill dunks, or doing crossovers that would make Lebron look stupid.  When I walk out on a football field, I accidently swat passes out of the way, on soccer fields I keep mistakenly scoring goals.  It upsets some people, particularly people that actually do these things for a living.  They practice for hours on end, doing insane things like running, lifting weights and shooting.  You can’t imagine the burden I carry of automagically being good at sports without trying. It’s like people expect you to do it for a living.  But it seems like a lot of work.

Always breaking my mom's back.

Always breaking my mom’s back.

Growing up. I had to grow up way more than most.  While some people were lucky enough to grow up slowly and gradually and then stop at a nice even height, I had to keep growing.  It caused sore bones, lack of sleep, and unrealistic expectations that I could grab things on really high shelves.  Imagine the bitterness I felt when someone short kept asking me, “Can you get this for me?” and “Can you get that for me?”  or “Can you get that other thing for me?”.  “Can you climb on this dangerous ladder and risk your life putting this thing up there for me?” or “Can you get down from the Empire State Building and stop swatting at the nice airplanes trying to kill you?”.  Some people just have no idea how much it hurts being so tall.

Such cruel nicknames like "Tallie" and "Hey can you screw in that lightbulb for me?"

Such cruel nicknames like “Tallie” and “Hey can you screw in that lightbulb for me?”

Nicknames.    There are all kinds of cruel, bitter nicknames for us.  How about “Hey really tall guy up there!” or “What’s up tallie?” or “What’s the weather like up there, head in the clouds boy?” or “Hey do you want some Strawberry Tallcake?” or “Hey Bitter Green Giant, how is your corn and green beans!” or “What’s up guy that can screw in lightbulbs slightly easier than we can guy?” You have no idea how many days I came home from school or from work yesterday, and plopped on the couch that wasn’t quite long enough, and had to watch a 60″ inch TV that wasn’t quite as tall as me, and easily forgot all those insults.  But it was a burden for those short few seconds.  Don’t they know that I prefer to be heightily enhanced, not “tall”.  Whatever, I’m not bitter(yes I am).

Invented by someone who hates tall people.

Invented by someone who hates tall people.

Doorways.  Doorways, showerheads, chandeliers, trees and Spiderwebs were all things invented by someone who wanted to torture tall people.  I imagine it was someone who was really smart and saavy and good with making things that on the surface seemed useful, but really subtly hated tall people because of their ability to read the weather about a millisecond faster than they could.  I would like to come face to face with this person someday, so I could tell him or her how bitter I am about them, but I fear that I would have to sit down to get face to face with that person.  No matter, I will get my revenge someday, by not getting something on the top shelf for them or booing them when they come up just short…of making the Hall of Inventions.

I know people have a lot of things to do today, so I will make this short…Have a bitter day of overeating, being hot and stuffy in your costume and having to work despite this being a holiday.  I know I will be bitter.

Arrrggghhhhhh Boooo

Bitter Tallie Ben

 

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244 thoughts on “Bitter Reasons to be tall

  1. Pingback: The Bitter End…of the Year | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. Being among the ranks of the tall (6’4″), I can appreciate(?) your bitterness. I have lost count on how many times I’ve hit my head on low ceilings, ceiling fans, doorways, pipes, etc. I find shopping for clothes to be even more of a painful task because those who purchase 18 1/2″ collars and 36″ sleeves are relegated to shopping in Big-n-Tall stores. Unfortunately, their designers must think that knit dress shirts, Hawaiian prints and sweat pants are all we need to go through life. Until I become independently wealthy and/or dressing for a walk-on part on the next “Magnum, PI” set; I still need real clothes. Where does the bitter line form?

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  3. I’m six feet tall and a chick. Talk about bitter! At least you men get respect. What do I get? Adjectives like “statuesque.” Yup. That just what I always wanted to hear. I look like a freakin’ statue. And don’t get me started on trying to find pants with a 36″ inseam!

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  4. I think tall people are attracted to shorter people. I’m short and every time I go to an event, a tall person sits or stands in front of me, ruining the event for me. I think it’s time to talk to the ACLU about that.

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  5. This 5″2′ Shrimp, Half-pint, When-are-you-going-to-grow-up, Short- People-Go-No-Reason-to-Live, woman thinks this was hilarious, even if your humor was way over my head.

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  6. I’m a bitter short person. I always have to be the one to climb in after the kids at the playground when their stuck because I can fit through the tunnels made for dwarves and two-year-olds. Blast being a midget mommy!

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  7. I agree being tall must really suck, but it also really sucks to be short you get thrown around a lot and it’s annoying jokes, and never being able to reach things, I sympathize but as I short person I’d like to point out it sucks too

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  8. Your bitterness makes me bitter, Ben. At 5’4″, life has not been easy. One year I got a stepladder for Christmas because people were bitterly jealous of my climbing and balancing skills. Evidently the kitchen counter is not meant to be climbed on.

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  9. Being short can make a person bitter too! Imagine never getting a clear view of what’s in front of you because all you can see is the heads of other people, or if you came in front of me, maybe your knees. Okay, elbows. I get so thrilled whenever I see someone a little shorter than me because that’s such a painfully rare event. I still use the bed I used as a kid because I never outgrew it. Go figure.
    Loved your post though. 😀

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  10. I especially appreciate all the subtle humor in this post 😀 I hope that you will understand that as a short guy I am having a very large inward struggle attempting to find even a shred of pity for you. But reading your article did allow me to see things from a different perspective (on much farther off the ground) so for that I thank you!

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