The Bitter Body Swap

Dad, can we switch lives? DENIED!

Dad, can we switch lives? DENIED!

A little while ago, I was telling my son about the glamorous life of being an adult and he was like, “Dad, I totally want to trade. I want to go to work, and you can go to my school!  You can be the kid and I can be an adult. You can do boring math, and I can do fancy spreadsheets.” Of course, having more experience than him in the world of body swapping cinema, I bitterly declined the invitation. As you know, all body swapping movies are the same.  The easy going one learns the bitter lessons of being too chill.  The overly ambitious one learns the lesson of being way too ambitious. Everyone gets their happy ending, no one talks about the fight club and then they get their vastly improved lives back.

The problems with me body swapping are two fold.  First, I don’t want to learn a lesson.  Not only would I have to go to school everyday and learn things for the first time like math and reading, but I would have to learn life lessons, like what it’s like to be fun and fancy free and how to relate to kids or something. Learning is so boring and life affirming.

I will NOT learn my lesson.  They forgot NOT.

I will NOT learn my lesson. They forgot NOT.

Second, let’s just say I’m already uncomfortable trying to get into a 2XL T-shirt.  And size 8 shoes. I don’t like squeezing toothpaste into the tube. It just isn’t safe for a guy of my size to be a kid of his size. There are just way too many uncomfortable things going on there.  Talk about trying to squeeze the toothpaste back into the tube.  Let’s just not think about it.

And speaking about not fitting in, try breaking into the 2nd grade crowd.  Have you met these super cliquie monsters? I stand a better chance of getting into the Space Program at NASA than getting a table at the 2nd grade in-crowd.  Unless I can bring it at recess tetherball, I’m not gonna be invited to 2nd grade prom.

If I don't dominate in tetherball, I won't make it in the cool kids group.

If I don’t dominate in tetherball, I won’t make it in the second grade cool kids group.

Here’s how it would go. As soon as I figured out the good things about being a kid, like playing video games and having no responsibilities whatsoever, I would realize the bitter side of those.  My dad(son) wouldn’t let me play any video games that were teen rated or above and I could only play for 30 minutes.  I would have to do my homework, eat my veggies, brush my teeth, and then he would make me go to bed at 8 pm.  I haven’t gone to bed at 8 pm since I was…8. And I wouldn’t even be able to bring my phone into my room. And if I get pissed, I can’t even take a drive anywhere, because I won’t even get a fake license until I turn 9.

Though I would probably ace the spelling tests, and English papers, I would still probably struggle with the math.  And talk about a social pariah, the kid would come back from that week with no friends and a teacher wondering how a little 8 year old could be so bitter about life.

The worst part is that with my luck, I would get spliced like Ron in Harry Potter and be half stuck in some weirdo limbo dimension on the way back, where my son would get all the good traits, and I would get all the bitter worst. Actually, maybe this happened and I just forget. Now whose head has been messed with?

ARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Swapped Ben

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67 thoughts on “The Bitter Body Swap

  1. I guess the only good way to “swap” into another persons life is to read a book or watch a movie. Characters, unlike real people, are like grandkids. When you get tired of them, you can put them down or hand them off or abandon them entirely.

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  2. I’d trade places with my 2-year old daughter in a second. I would love it if someone carried me around all day, feed me snacks and let me nap whenever I wanted to. Plus, I’d get to make messes everywhere and other people would clean it up. I’m not sure I’d like the diaper thing, but I’d get over it. So really, your problem is that your son is too old for you to make the swap worth it for you. 🙂

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  3. Hands down, the worst part about being a kid is homework. Too bad there are no days that start with a ‘B’ cause then it could be like Freaky Friday only your could be Bitter Tuesday but like with a B so Bitter Buesday or something like that which actually, if you pronounce it out loud sounds more like a day when you go to the bar and drown your bitter sorrows.

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  4. They’re still making kids do math in school? Don’t we have calculators for that stuff? Heck, when I was 8, I told my parents that I didn’t need math because I wasn’t going to do anything in life that required the use of math. They asked me what job I thought I was going to have as an adult. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I told them I was going to be an accountant. I was 8. What did I know? Now I’m a writer. Does that mean I can spell? Heck no! That’s what spell check is for!

    On a less bitter note, do you ever host guest bloggers? I have some things I’m feeling pretty darned bitter about.

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  5. Ha! This is one of your best posts yet. Not only did you make a Harry Potter reference (winning!), but you made me laugh out loud again with your second-to-last paragraph: “…wondering how a little 8 year old could be so bitter about life.” Yessssss.

    Don’t forget all the bitterness of elementary school crushes, passing a love note to the dreamiest kid in class, only to have them check the box that says “No.” That is where it all begins, the 8 year old bitterness…

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  6. This sounds like a version of Freaky Friday I would enjoy. I imagine a hyper 8-year-old running around in your couch-surfing pizza-filled body and being hammered with aches and pains. That should make him bitter!

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