The Core Four

A man of simple means.

I’m a man of simple means.

I am a man of simple means. If you were to raid our house or burn it down (because you were super bitter about something I did to you or said about you) you would have to be pretty ambitious to get to stuff that I own that actually matters to me. You’d have to have a partner in crime(literally) if you wanted to heist two of my favorites, my TV and my couch, but other than that you would have to search pretty hard to find anything else I care for. I have a whole closet of clothes that I could care less about, a nightstand next to the bed, filled with things that I probably haven’t looked for in ages, and maybe 5 or 6 pairs of shoes(only two which I wear on a regular basis). There is one corner of the house right next to the TV that is essentially my corner, because it has all my video games, movies and TV seasons, along with all the remote controls(at least the ones not lost in abyss of the couch cushions). Though most of that corner could be easily stored in a cloud somewhere.

Then there is my backpack, which carries the essential. The laptop, which goes with me almost everywhere. The rest of the backpack is essentially like a mobile nightstand. Just stuff I haven’t looked at for years that it is slowly weighing me down. Yeah, I’m familiar with all the metaphors about “What you carry in your backpack,” and no I’m not getting rid of any of it.

I'm just going to store a few heavy items here.

I’m just going to store a few heavy items here.

There then are the four things that if I lost, I would lose my mind along with them. The core four. The ones I carry with me everywhere. The ones that if they are missing even for a few second, make me completely lose my balance, both literally and figuratively.  If I were a robot, and you wanted to shut me down, all you would have to do is remove one or more of these and I would cease to function as a robot/human.

Wallet – Funny you should mention this one (or was it me that mentioned it?) because just this very morning, mine slipped out of my pocket. I went to open the door at work and I would not have been able to, because inside there is a key card which unlocks the door. It also has the passcode to shut off the alarm. I would have been stuck outside in the pouring rain, and my co-workers would not have been able to open the gates to the Emerald City Nightmare that is our office. But mostly I would cease to exist. I couldn’t prove I was a person(no driver’s license) I wouldn’t be able to eat (no money) and I wouldn’t be able to overextend myself credit rating(credit cards). But the worst of all, I would never get my free Burger from Red Robin.

I have too many moths in mine.

I have too many moths in mine.

Keys – If not for the Lord of the Keyrings, I would never be able to leave the house, and for that matter if I ever did leave the house, I would never be able to get back in. They are the keys to my house, the keys to my car, and the keys to my bitterness. How else would I keep my bitter edge if I didn’t drive in traffic everyday? How else would I be able to feel like a bee trapped in a hive with all these other buzzing bees trying to get to the other side of the hive to get some honey, then bring it home for the kid bees, only to get stung because they didn’t get their bee homework done?

Lord of the Key Ring.

Lord of the Key Ring.

Ipod – Most people probably don’t know what these are because they have been replaced by the Iphone. But when more than 90 Gigs of pure bitterness reside within your hard drive(and even more within your bitter heart), you don’t just keep that locked up inside a tiny prison of an 8 Gig Iphone You’ve got to have a 160 Gig Classic Ipod penitentiary that has a big baseball field for the inmates to roam or they will go stir crazy and break out of Shawshank Redemption and go to Zihuatanejo, living out their days fixing a boat and giving boat tours to other bitter songs.

Your songs will want to escape to Zihuatanejo if you try to cram them in an 8 Gig Iphone.

Your songs will want to escape to Zihuatanejo if you try to cram them in an 8 Gig Iphone.

Phone – Other than storing bitter songs and making phone calls, this thing does everything else. It cancels dentist appointments, it allows you to avoid awkward conversation with other people, it allows society’s downfall “because no one ever interacts with anyone anymore, and kids are so plugged in that they never go outside and get fresh air anymore” (said in a deeply judgmental voice by judgy parents that eat kale and hug trees and newscasters that have phones too, but enjoy being hypocritical). And when your dentist does insist that you finally come in, it gives you something to do when you are in the waiting room for four hours because he is too busy playing his phone to come out and scrape your disgusting teeth from too much Candy Crush.

The downfall of society.

The downfall of society.

Those are the Core Four. Without these four things in my pockets at all times, you essentially shut down the mainframe of this fleshy robot. I would cease to exist in any type of useful way, which to the naked eye, is no different than how useful I am now, but deep down there might be two things I do that might make a difference somehow.

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Core Four is a Bore Ben

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44 thoughts on “The Core Four

  1. When I come home, I drop my keys in my purse. Except one time I missed and they went in a cloth bag that has been sitting in our dining room for months (no good reason). It took two weeks to find the keys. I was paranoid the whole time that I would lose the spare and never be able to leave the house again

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  2. NAKED-GATE/Feb. 28:2016 –> the earliest day of the year, ever, i carried a bag of trash (axually it wuzz cat-box goodies) out to the garbage cans across the driveway. with no clothes on. what does THAT have to do with anything? well, frequently i wonder where the keys are, or the phone, sometimes the wallet but basically if i know WHERE I AM, if somehow i’m going sumwear and “I” am also going along, well, that’s the one thing, i guess, i need to bring.
    okay, you ask, what if you DON’T bring yourself?
    i wuzz a frayed yood ask that.

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      • The man-purse never worked out because the word “murse” was already in use to describe a male nurse. Maybe we could call them “Mandbags” instead? Just a suggestion. When formerly geeky man-sandals were cleverly renamed “Mandals” they started flying off the shelves!

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  3. Keys! Keys! My keys! Where are my keys?! Great they’re in my locked van. Bitterness rising…better get my phone to call for help. Dammit, it’s dead any cord is plugged into the locked van. Bitterness bubbling over into blog post.

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    • One, I might actually not move something at your desk and your OCD might not get fully blown out of proportion. Two, I might give you some of my work and you will somehow not be bored out of your mind for a few seconds at work.

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  4. I’ll try to remember to only take the TV and couch when I come to burgler you house. I have my own keys, wallet, and phone —- iPod?? LoL. No… However, a couch potato can always use an extra couch. What kind of TV? I’ll have to see if it is worth taking.

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  5. Notice that two of your “core four” are devices that didn’t even exist two decades ago. I’m not sure what that says about you (or people today in general) – but probably . . . something.

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  6. OMG I think I’m a borg. I only carry two…my driver’s license and keys to the truck. forget the house it’s never locked…don’t even know where the key is actually. or if there is one….I think there might be one somewhere….sigh

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  7. To be honest, I’m bitter that it only takes you 4 items to form your core. I’m a woman, which by definition means that I need more stuff, which inevitably costs more than comparable male stuff. 4 core items? I say, pish posh.

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  8. Lol, you’re a very practical man, Ben. I have the Core Three, find me anywhere and this is what I won’t ever be without: my phone, for possible emergencies (I never really use it otherwise), my deoderant (don’t want to go stinky on anyone), and my wallet. Because like you said it contains valuable stuff, plus I figure if I do forget to bring something else apart from 1 and 2, at least I can buy it anew 🙂

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    • Wow, you can make it on just three huh? I don’t usually carry around deodorant, because for some reason they have these one that last like 48 hours now and I still use it once a day. And if people don’t like that well they have the right to not be near me.

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