I am a man of simple means. If you were to raid our house or burn it down (because you were super bitter about something I did to you or said about you) you would have to be pretty ambitious to get to stuff that I own that actually matters to me. You’d have to have a partner in crime(literally) if you wanted to heist two of my favorites, my TV and my couch, but other than that you would have to search pretty hard to find anything else I care for. I have a whole closet of clothes that I could care less about, a nightstand next to the bed, filled with things that I probably haven’t looked for in ages, and maybe 5 or 6 pairs of shoes(only two which I wear on a regular basis). There is one corner of the house right next to the TV that is essentially my corner, because it has all my video games, movies and TV seasons, along with all the remote controls(at least the ones not lost in abyss of the couch cushions). Though most of that corner could be easily stored in a cloud somewhere.
Then there is my backpack, which carries the essential. The laptop, which goes with me almost everywhere. The rest of the backpack is essentially like a mobile nightstand. Just stuff I haven’t looked at for years that it is slowly weighing me down. Yeah, I’m familiar with all the metaphors about “What you carry in your backpack,” and no I’m not getting rid of any of it.
There then are the four things that if I lost, I would lose my mind along with them. The core four. The ones I carry with me everywhere. The ones that if they are missing even for a few second, make me completely lose my balance, both literally and figuratively. If I were a robot, and you wanted to shut me down, all you would have to do is remove one or more of these and I would cease to function as a robot/human.
Wallet – Funny you should mention this one (or was it me that mentioned it?) because just this very morning, mine slipped out of my pocket. I went to open the door at work and I would not have been able to, because inside there is a key card which unlocks the door. It also has the passcode to shut off the alarm. I would have been stuck outside in the pouring rain, and my co-workers would not have been able to open the gates to the Emerald City Nightmare that is our office. But mostly I would cease to exist. I couldn’t prove I was a person(no driver’s license) I wouldn’t be able to eat (no money) and I wouldn’t be able to overextend myself credit rating(credit cards). But the worst of all, I would never get my free Burger from Red Robin.
Keys – If not for the Lord of the Keyrings, I would never be able to leave the house, and for that matter if I ever did leave the house, I would never be able to get back in. They are the keys to my house, the keys to my car, and the keys to my bitterness. How else would I keep my bitter edge if I didn’t drive in traffic everyday? How else would I be able to feel like a bee trapped in a hive with all these other buzzing bees trying to get to the other side of the hive to get some honey, then bring it home for the kid bees, only to get stung because they didn’t get their bee homework done?
Ipod – Most people probably don’t know what these are because they have been replaced by the Iphone. But when more than 90 Gigs of pure bitterness reside within your hard drive(and even more within your bitter heart), you don’t just keep that locked up inside a tiny prison of an 8 Gig Iphone You’ve got to have a 160 Gig Classic Ipod penitentiary that has a big baseball field for the inmates to roam or they will go stir crazy and break out of Shawshank Redemption and go to Zihuatanejo, living out their days fixing a boat and giving boat tours to other bitter songs.
Phone – Other than storing bitter songs and making phone calls, this thing does everything else. It cancels dentist appointments, it allows you to avoid awkward conversation with other people, it allows society’s downfall “because no one ever interacts with anyone anymore, and kids are so plugged in that they never go outside and get fresh air anymore” (said in a deeply judgmental voice by judgy parents that eat kale and hug trees and newscasters that have phones too, but enjoy being hypocritical). And when your dentist does insist that you finally come in, it gives you something to do when you are in the waiting room for four hours because he is too busy playing his phone to come out and scrape your disgusting teeth from too much Candy Crush.
Those are the Core Four. Without these four things in my pockets at all times, you essentially shut down the mainframe of this fleshy robot. I would cease to exist in any type of useful way, which to the naked eye, is no different than how useful I am now, but deep down there might be two things I do that might make a difference somehow.
Bitter Core Four is a Bore Ben