Your Day of Reckoning is Coming

Winter doesn't come to South Dakota, it stays.

Winter doesn’t come to South Dakota, it stays.

I was born in California, close to LA.  When I was 6 we moved to New York, Long Island to be exact. Then all my chances of and becoming a bi-coastal superstar and ever being cool died at the age of 8, when we moved to South Dakota.  South Dakota is not only in the center of the United States, it is the center of Bitter.  Bitter people, bitter farms, bitter cold.  I never would have achieved my full bitter potential if we hadn’t moved there.  South Dakota’s motto Great Faces, Great Places, means if you go outside of your Place in winter, your Face will become part of Mt. Rushmore. President’s faces on Mt. Rushmore. If there is ever an apocalypse, where snow or rains or floods destroyed the rest of the world, it would take the citizens of South Dakota two years to notice. If there was a snow storm that buried everyone else alive, South Dakotaians would think, “Wow, we just had a really mild summer.”

Speaking of apocalypse, I’ve noticed the signs are finally starting to pop up. Here are the plagues that were predicted and how they are finally starting to show themselves.

The rivers will turn to blood – I was shaving last night and cut my face.  A little bit of blood appeared and it was washed down the river of my sink. Start running in fear.

A plague of Frogs – I was playing video games the other day and frogs started to appear in game after game. Frogger, Pokemon, Battletoads, Super Mario Brothers, Star Fox, Mega Man.  Then I remembered that February 29th is coming this year, and what is that? Leap year. And what do frogs and toads do? That’s right.

The only way to destroy the plague of Frogger.

The only way to destroy the plague of Frogger.

Flies – When I was at the airport, I kept seeing these things with big wings flying back and forth. It seems like just yesterday, flies were as a big as a fingernail.  Now they are making people late and only giving them tiny bags of pretzels and charging them for free wi-fi. Has no one else noticed this?

Diseased Livestock – The other day I went to Red Robin and normally I was given a choice on whether I wanted it rare, medium or well done, but this time, I wasn’t even asked. HMMMM, coincidence? Or was it the livestock? I’d like to say the burger was well done, but it wasn’t very well done….

There shall be Boils – I don’t know if you know this, but I’m not a teenager. I got the ole acne when is was 14, and that is to be expected. But I’m 42 now. So the other day, I got a zit.  The boils are taking over.  It’s just a matter of time…

Hail – My car broke down the other day, and I tried to get a cab, and nothing.  There was all kinds of hailing being done and nothing was happening.

Hail fails.

Hail fails.

Locusts – I was being bullied the other day by these guys because I was new to California from New Jersey. I met an old man in my apartment complex named Miagy who was working on a Bonzai tree. He started allowing me to be his mentee and he allowed me to wash his cars, paint his fence, stain his deck and after those long days of working for him, he taught me karate. We entered the tournament against the Cobra Kai and won, by illegally kicking some guy in the face.  He called me his Grasshopper(or a locust). Also, he told me his wireless service was Cricket wireless.

How I became a grasshopper.

How I became a grasshopper.

The Darkness – First it was windy outside, then a little rainy, then the trees started swaying and dropping leaves all over our lawn. Then, around 5 o’clock, the darkness came. And if that wasn’t bad enough, the TV, which had given us the light, stopped working…for five seconds.  It was a dark time….

Firstborns – I would never give away my firstborn. Just too valuable. But the other day someone offered me a mess of pizza for her. I was like no way! But then they offered me a double cheese and double pepperoni….

Floods – Someone left the water running at work.  It overflowed and left thousands and thousands of drops of water on the floor. I couldn’t even get to the ice machine without getting the bottoms of my shoes wet.  It was a disatrophy.  The cleanup was endless and only a Bounty Super Absorbent Towel(yes, I’m open for sponsorship Bounty) or three could clean up this huge mess. The damage to the floor was measurable, but the disaster to my life was not. I don’t know if I will ever get over the feeling of that flood all over my fingers. The splash reverberations even reached the bottom cuff of my pants.  Do you know how long it took to dry? Like seven seconds more than my life took to recover.

The floods came.

The floods came.

The signs are everywhere. You’re just lucky that my bitterness allows me to find the little things for all of you that can’t see them right in front of your face. Just know that if you need a place where no plague will ever be strong enough to penetrate, I know a place where everybody forgets your name, and is always not glad you came.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Plagued Ben

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61 thoughts on “Your Day of Reckoning is Coming

  1. People just don’t take their apocalyptic signs seriously these days….not like when we were kids. Where are all of those televngelists to talk us through this when we need ’em?!?

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  2. Lol I knew it!!! Also all of the zombies covering the world are a pretty big sign too. I mean do you know how many zombie walks there have been worldwide now???? Neither do I, but I’ve been to at least three of them, so I bet there have been at least that many.

    Also, don’t feel too bad about giving away your firstborn. I’ve promised to give away my first 10 or so for far less than a free pizza. You’re not doing so badly.

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  3. George’s obsession with Frogger on Seinfeld was one of the series’ finest moments. Had Slippery Pete not used up all the battery power who knows if George would have been able to further advance his high game record? The overhead shot of his moving the machine through traffic looked as flawless as he played…and in a very timely manner thereby offsetting the plan’s unfortunate setback of reduced juice. Alas,George did not have enough juice to get it over the curb. Indeed…”Game Over.” In a Leap Year with all these other instances of foreshadowing you note it may very well be “Game Over” for us all. Oh well. I have high game on an Asteroids machine somewhere in the US…a fully-lived life.

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  4. And all this just because your parents moved you to South Dakota.
    I heard once that so few people live there, you could address a letter (back when people wrote those) with just the name of the person and “South Dakota” and it would be delivered. Any truth to that?

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  5. Don’t forget “blood, fire and pillars of smoke”!

    Blood – Like you, I also cut myself. But it was my toe, distraught at the new heels I wore for a long day of walking around town.

    Fire – Sitting in rush hour traffic yesterday, there were laser beams of death shooting out my eyes at all the non-bitter drivers singing to their music as we plodded across the concrete in our 5 mph procession.

    Pillars of Smoke – Visible every day at work when my boss comes to talk to me. Her presence causes pillars of smoke to plume from my ears and the top of my head as I fume.

    Blood, fire and pillars of smoke, people. The end is near.

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  6. I sneezed almost twice yesterday. One full-blown Ah-choo and one Choo! The Pestilence is definitely upon us. Thanks Bitter Ben for the warning! Now I must go hide in the corner of the basement and eat Girl Scout cookies before it is too late.

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