Last weekend I died. Don't worry, it didn't hurt too much. Amazingly, I can still blog from the great beyond. You are probably all so excited to hear about that. I know I owe you an explanation, but I don't always pay people what I owe right away. Perhaps, if you send a pizza my … Continue reading Ninja Escape Bitterness
Fiction
Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Order vs. Chaos
Whenever I take a shower, I put on my shampoo, which then seems to form some sort of thinking cap, because all my bitterly terrible ideas start flowing out. All the ideas sound brilliant at the time, but then as soon as I dry off or start writing them down, start not making sense anymore. … Continue reading Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Order vs. Chaos
It’s all Downhill from here Friday Giftures
Everyone goes through peaks and valleys or as I like to call them The Middle of the Sun during Summer and Middle of the Antarctic in the winter. You might reach your peak efficiency of the work week on Wednesday at 10 am, or you might reach you absolute low at 3 pm on Tuesday. … Continue reading It’s all Downhill from here Friday Giftures
Becoming a Pizza Gardener
Last Friday, I was eating a sandwich from a place called Home Grown that was really good, and it came with some chips that were also really good. One of my co-workers wondered aloud if they actually grew the potatoes themselves to make the chips. That lead me to then say, "Nope. I think they … Continue reading Becoming a Pizza Gardener
The Bitter Groundhog
Let's face it. The groundhog is famous for only two things. Every February they are known for disappointing millions of people by seeing their shadow or not seeing their shadow(whichever one it is, I don't think anyone knows) and predicting that we have 6 more weeks of winter. Though if you want to be disappointed … Continue reading The Bitter Groundhog
My Bitter New Career
When I was in 7th grade, we did a career day where we had to decide what we wanted to be when we grew up. I decided that I wanted to be an advertising copywriter. So I stuck with that dream and decided that anything that didn't have to do with writing copy was worthless … Continue reading My Bitter New Career
Taking a Ride on the Bitter Gifture Express
It's freaking Friday and that means the Bitter Express is getting ready to leave the station. The Bitter Express is a different roller coaster ride than you are used to. Most roller coaster rides are full of excitement, screaming, thrilling drops and crazy loop de loops and then, they eventually end. The Bitter Express … Continue reading Taking a Ride on the Bitter Gifture Express
The Bitter Power of the Jinx
You may not notice this thing that happens in movies, but there is a strong thread that keeps action movies going. In the beginning there is some sort of balance that keep the protagonist and the antagonist from killing each other. No matter how large the odds are against one side or the other, each … Continue reading The Bitter Power of the Jinx
The Bitter Injury Report
Bitter Entertainment Network interrupts this coverage of the president's speech to go to the game.... Bitter Ben the Sports Announcer: Well that was another terribly bitter game we just watched. An entire nation of fans were completely let down by their team who couldn't execute their way out of a Ziploc bag (see our sponsors … Continue reading The Bitter Injury Report
Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Fight vs. Flight
They say when you mess up and get yourself trapped in a corner, like when I was painting the deck, the other 20 years ago, you have one of two responses on how to get out of the mess you got yourself into. As an expert in literally and figuratively painting myself into corners on … Continue reading Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Fight vs. Flight
National Hug Day Bitter Giftures
I found out that yesterday was yet another holiday that I didn't get off work for. National Hugger's Day they call it. Of course, I don't believe in hugging unless it is a passive aggressive way for me to crack someone's ribs that I'm not real fond of. This is not to say that I … Continue reading National Hug Day Bitter Giftures
We are Groot
Guardians of the Galaxy was a big hit last summer because it was unique and different. Bitter heroes and villains were everywhere. Peter Quill aka Star Lord was bitter about his mother's death and his subsequent kidnapping. Gamora was bitter because she's the adopted daughter of a guy that wants to destroy the universe. Drax … Continue reading We are Groot
Bitterlympics
Recently I was talking to this older couple on the phone and the male said something, but then he started coughing so he had to hand off the phone to the female who started talking to me for a bit. Then she started sneezing, so she handed the phone back to the male so she … Continue reading Bitterlympics
Fit Bitterness
It's mid January, which means all your dreams of getting in shape have been dashed like the Death Star at the end of Star Wars (spoiler warning too late if you haven't seen a movie that came out in 1977). Though I can find bitterness in even the most benign situations, other less bitter individuals … Continue reading Fit Bitterness
Bitterly Depressing Friday Giftures
Yesterday was so depressing. Some weirdos in Florida and California took my winning lottery tickets from me, my idol and hero who played all the best villains, Alan Rickman died(Hans Gruber AND Snape. Two of the most bitter guys in cinema.) and once again my book didn't get published. Some say you should actually … Continue reading Bitterly Depressing Friday Giftures
The Bitter Journey through Google Search
One of my bitter enemies, "The Inspirational Philosopher", the ones that wake up every morning and look at their face in the mirror and repeat mantra's like "This is going to be a great day", and "What inspirational thing can I learn from all the stupid mistakes I made yesterday?" start their days journey in … Continue reading The Bitter Journey through Google Search
Bitter Billionaire Ben
Since I probably won't win that Powerball thingy because I'm not really a 1 in a billion odds kind of winner, I need to rethink the way I'm going to get the dollars in your pockets to mine. I tried to build the world's strongest vacuum that would suck the money directly from your wallets, … Continue reading Bitter Billionaire Ben
If I were a movie…Dot, Dot, Dot
First of all, to those that read that garbage that was on this blog yesterday, that was just inexcusable. I blame someone else, as per usual. The dog ate my homework, the cat wouldn't stop shedding all over, the hamster wouldn't stop running in circles...is what I would say if I had any of those … Continue reading If I were a movie…Dot, Dot, Dot
Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Foods that taste good vs. Heartburn
Ever since Adam and Eve left the garden, there has always been a fight. A fight for real estate. All of sudden, there was a place they couldn't get and that drove the price of the real estate up. And ever since then there has been the horribly clique saying that real estate is … Continue reading Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Foods that taste good vs. Heartburn
It’s Time to Bail Gifture Friday
In case you didn't know it, I am here to remind you that today is Friday. That means it is time to bail. Time to throw aside your work clothes and put on "Casual Friday" clothes. Time to bail on your diet that you committed to on Jan. 1 and get some pizza instead … Continue reading It’s Time to Bail Gifture Friday
Ben's Bitter Blog 