Recently I was talking to this older couple on the phone and the male said something, but then he started coughing so he had to hand off the phone to the female who started talking to me for a bit. Then she started sneezing, so she handed the phone back to the male so she could go sneeze. In the midst of all this, I was getting exhausted trying to keep up with this relay race they were having with me and I observed that this should have been some sort of Olympic event. Then all kinds of Olympic events came to mind that make me bitter and so, the Bitterlympics were born.
As the creator of the event, it is instrumental that I pick the location of the games very carefully. If your country wants to be picked, your country must do its best to have the most attractive locations, but more importantly the most attractive bribes for me.
As you know, it is a prestigious honor to be the host of the Bitterlympics as billions of people across the world will tune into your city for two weeks, and then just as quickly abandon it with 100’s of venues and 100’s of thousands of empty apartments for your city to go into debt over the next 100 years. But you, as the official briber of your country will profit, so make sure you get creative with your bribes and get them in early.
Now get some of your most finely tuned, fully “not at all enhanced” athletes (that we will totally look the other way on) and sign up for a few of the many events that your country can compete in.
Paperwork swimming – This event will discourage even the most optimistic athletes in the world. An overbearing boss will come to your desk with loads of paperwork and pile it on your desk. Your challenge will be to swim through the excessive amount of paperwork that I’ve been avoiding for years and complete it. In the meantime, more paperwork will be added along with TPS progress reports. The original athletes are still working on it, but hopefully someday soon we will have a gold medal winner!
Javelin Hearting – This huge challenge will pit the athletes with their lifelong crush. The contestants will finally get a little facetime with the crush they have been pining after for weeks, months, or even years. Flirtations will happen, a first and second date will ensue, and perhaps even a dreamy kiss at the door, and then, the crush will do what it does best. Crush the contestant with a javelin to the heart. The winner will be the one that uncurls from their ball of bitterness fastest and gets the least amount of revenge against their crush years later.
Bargain hunting – The athletes will be world class bargain hunters from the fields of grocery, outlets, thrifts stores, and mall shopping. The world’s best will be set loose in the world’s largest, stingiest and highest class retail store in the world, where they will compete to hunt down the one item on sale in the entire store.
100 Meter Fly – Each contestant will need to race to four laps back and forth to reach the 100 meter distance then hop out of the pool to obtain the best weapon against the annoying fly that is buzzing around the room. Find that rolled up newspaper or towel!
Party Diving – This event will be one of the most challenging yet! Introverts are driven to a party where they only know one person and that person is whisked away immediately for a meeting. Athletes are expected to dive right in and meet new people and are faced with the most challenging task yet! Small talk! How’s the weather? Who do you know? What is your favorite color? Who can survive the party the longest, before jumping out of the party for air?
Horsing around – This equestrian event takes the elite mannered of the world, ones raised on manners, proper etiquette, the finest children of the 1%er’s and puts them in a room full of shenanigans. The one that can remove the stick from their butt, becomes disowned and loses their trust fund fastest and has the most fun horsing around, will obtain the goldest of medals.
Weightlifting – These athletes are the strongest in the world. Able to leap the highest buildings, fly the highest in the sky and lift the most weight. But how are they at carrying the heavy burden of guilt? Athletes are given mothers that “just want them to come see me every once in a while”, and fathers that “want them to work in the family business, because it has been in the family for generations, even though you want to run off and work in some big city like Los Angeles to be an actor”. Will those with strong arms and back be able to handle to burden of expectations and guilt?
Will you be strong enough to survive the Bitterlympics? Will you triumph over expectations to win that gold medal and get that exclusive interview with Bob Costas? Will your country come through with the most Bitter Medals? Or will your optimism and positivity be your greatest downfall? Be a Bithlete or support your countries bitterness this summer on the Bitter Entertainment Network(the BEN)!