Last weekend I died. Don’t worry, it didn’t hurt too much. Amazingly, I can still blog from the great beyond. You are probably all so excited to hear about that.
I know I owe you an explanation, but I don’t always pay people what I owe right away. Perhaps, if you send a pizza my way? It’s not like pizza will ever lose its taste. Alright fine. So my wife found a Groupon about a year ago for an experience called the Ninja Escape. It was this mystery type adventure, where you are locked in this room, with only 60 minutes to find the Black Lace poison and escape. Luckily, there were enough clues for us to find our way out. Luckily, there was six of us there to work together to figure out clues. Unluckily, I was one of the 6 people in the room to help figure out clues. The 60 minutes ended, we didn’t figure out how to destroy the Black Lace poison and we died.
The moral of the story? A couple of them. First, be careful what you get from Groupon. It may result in your death. Second, don’t go to a room that could cause your death with a guy that didn’t do well in problem solving in school. And third, don’t go into a life threatening with a guy with no survival skills.
I was not a great survivalist in life. If you read a post I did several years ago, you know what I would have done had there been a Zombie apocalypse. I would have not barricaded my doors, I would have let them come right into my house, I would have let them bite me or gnaw on me, or give me pamphlets, or whatever it is that they do to convert you to the zombie side. After becoming a zombie, I would have hid out in my house, watching TV. I mean, really, does every zombie have to be aggressively out hunting for other humans? I think I could have been one of the lazy ones, that just ordered brain pizza, and been perfectly happy. I’m not greedy.
And what if there is a worldwide energy outage? Because of where I live, the land of trees, if there is even just a 70 mph wind, trees and power lines are in a constant battle. Let me tell you, there is never a winner. Trees always fall and they love taking power lines with them. And when that happens, the really loser is me. Because my computer is down, my Xbox is down, my TV is down and my refrigerator is down. That pretty much means I’m down. Down on the couch. Which is fine, because that is my favorite position, but I’m stuck with nothing to do. I might as well have been run over by a tree, or electrocuted by a power line, because it would have been way better than trying to survive the boredom without power. UGGGGHH.
On the other hand, maybe I was a survivor. Somehow, I survived one of the worst days ever. I’m not talking about a Bill Murray styled Groundhog’s Day, though I guess this day of the week might as well have been Groundhog’s Day. Especially considering that bad things happened on this day with amazing consistency. I’m not talking Monday’s. Not that Monday’s aren’t terrible, they are. But the single worst day of the week has always been Tuesday. Monday’s are terrible, because we have to come back to work. But Tuesday’s are when the workday actually starts, and paradoxically never ends. Let’s just say if hell were to be stuck on a certain day of the week, it would be Tuesday. If you look hopelessness up in the dictionary, it has a picture of Tuesday, because that is a day with no hope. No hope of being a good day. No hope of ending, no hope of getting a holiday on it. No hope of a Friday or Saturday or Sunday without a bunch of other days in between. Tuesday’s are the Interstate 405 of the week.
So needless to say, I’m already getting tired of being dead. I have such a headache, the Wi-Fi is pretty weak here, and the music is the worst. I mean 24 hour Beiber/Miley Cyrus channel? And it seems like I can never leave work. Don’t worry though, I think most people here are begging the Grim Reaper to send me back. I think they are getting a little tired of all my bitterness.
Bitter Ninja Escape Failure Ben