My Bitter New Career


I should have been more popular. 

When I was in 7th grade, we did a career day where we had to decide what we wanted to be when we grew up. I decided that I wanted to be an advertising copywriter.  So I stuck with that dream and decided that anything that didn’t have to do with writing copy was worthless and I didn’t need to know anything about it.  So I stopped paying attention to math and social studies and science and those other things.  I just needed to get to a place where ad agencies would find me and ask me to be their ad copywriter.

Because I was so diligent in not listening to other people, I ended up not becoming an ad copywriter, because apparently they like people with experience.  And you can’t get experience if you don’t have a job. Weird cycle someone at the top created.  So I decided to change my job goals to becoming an author.  That way, when I get the book published, I will make a billion dollars like J.K. Rowling and then just sit around being a reclusive author that doesn’t ever grant interviews.


Reclusing like a boss.

Reclusing like a boss.

But recently, something changed.  I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, and a commercial(which I could have written, had I had any experience) came on.  It was an ad for a school that teaches you how to become a certified personal trainer and guarantees that you will get a job in 90 days or you money back. My goal immediately become to be a personal trainer.

You know personal trainers though. They are all those cut, fit, physical wonders that look like they were sculpted on Mt. Olympus that just have to run on a Bowflex for 20 minutes everyday.  What they don’t know is that when they train people, their people can’t relate to them.  Their trainer doesn’t eat cheeseburgers.  Their trainer doesn’t have a job that requires them to sit for 8-10 hours at a desk.  The gym is their office.

Well, when I become your personal trainer, you will go, “Hey, I can do that.” I will teach you stuff like how to sit on a couch properly, how to stuff pizza into your mouth in several unique ways, and how to go to the fridge for snacks.

The other day I noticed a show on one of those channels that is trying a radical new approach for trainers.  Their cut little selves are going to go through what their clients are and gain 60 pounds in three months and realize how it feels.  Well, in my program, I skip that part because I’m already there.  But if you need me to eat more pizza, I will. Just don’t expect me to lose any with you.

My workouts, where I tempt you with stuff, then eat it right in front of you.

My workouts, where I tempt you with stuff, then eat it right in front of you.

My program will involve you getting stuff for me.  When you get to the gym, I will bark out instructions like, “I just ordered a pizza for carryout.  It is 15 minutes away.  Go run and pick it up and whatever you do, no eating it! And it better be hot or I’m going to send you back to get another one!”

I’ll send you on grocery runs, or more like grossery runs, where I get all kinds of food that have grease and sugar and lactose and I’ll throw in some carrots, which you get to eat and pay me for because what do I look like to you? Someone that is generous?


Things I do while training you. 

I personally think that you should hate your trainer and you know what? Most people do, because they will work you to the bone and yell at you, but eventually you start losing the weight.  Me, on the other hand, you will hate for other reasons. I will yell at you for no reason at all, or because I had a bitter day at work and I’m taking it out on you.  I will yell at you because your selfie’s were blurry.  So not only will you not lose any weight but you will also gain selfie esteem issues.

And that is why I’m changing careers right now.  Because there can be no more bitter satisfaction in life than to transfer your bitterness to someone else.


Bitter Extreme Exercise Ben

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