Taking a Ride on the Bitter Gifture Express


It’s freaking Friday and that means the Bitter Express is getting ready to leave the station.  The Bitter Express is a different roller coaster ride than you are used to.  Most roller coaster rides are full of excitement, screaming, thrilling drops and crazy loop de loops and then, they eventually end.  The Bitter Express starts at the bottom and just keeps going down. It’s full of disappointing dives, cantankerous curves, frustrating fails, rickety railways filled with rage, and all kinds of tense twists and turns that are full of fury, signifying nothing.  And the worst part is that it never ends. So strap in and enjoy nothing about this ride.

It’s going to be…

..to be instense

…pretty intense.

Prepare to get doused…


…because it’s going to get a little hawkward around here.

Trust me, the ride will not…


…tree-t you right.

Speaking of tree-tment,…


…get ready to understand what it feels like to be a cat.

Not only will you be doing crazy flips….


…but you will experience another kind of flip.

There no skipping in the line…


…to get a head of everyone.

Don’t forget the Murphy’s Law ride…

dJust make

…where anything that can happen to you will happen to you.

Don’t worry, just when you think nothing else can happen….


…Boom! Catastrophe!

Don’t forget to bring the kids…


…to the bumper cars.

Make sure you forget your dancing shoes…


…so the rest of us can be entertained.

And make sure if you are short to grow a little..

...make sure you are tall enough for the ride.

…or you won’t be allowed on the rides.

And make sure you don’t stay in the sun too long…


…or you might fly off the deep end.

Alright, times up. Step out of the Bitter Express. Keep all your hand and legs outside of the tray tables and feel free to leave the park immediately as we don’t want you here anymore. We wish you bitter luck on finding your car in the parking lot and we hope your wallets were pickpocketed by our bitterly underpaid employees. And remember, next time you think of family fun, think long and hard about never coming to this place again.


Bitter Express Ben

40 thoughts on “Taking a Ride on the Bitter Gifture Express

  1. Did that tree thief leaf any clues to his identify? Or were the authorities stumped? The worst part is, crooks like that who lead a rootless existence often branch out into other criminal activity.

    OK, I’ll stop. Sorry for the acorny puns.


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