The Bitter Injury Report

Breaking News, the game is up next.

Breaking News, the game is up next.

Bitter Entertainment Network interrupts this coverage of the president’s speech to go to the game….

Bitter Ben the Sports Announcer: Well that was another terribly bitter game we just watched.  An entire nation of fans were completely let down by their team who couldn’t execute their way out of a Ziploc bag (see our sponsors website for more details on how to get out of Ziploc bags). The other fan base is even more bitter that their team won because their race toward the lottery has now vanished into thin air of smoke created by Kingsford Original Charcoal Briquettes (They are ready faster and burn longer.)

Sponsored by our friends over at Kingsford.

Sponsored by our smoky apron wearing friends over at Kingsford.

As if that weren’t depressing enough, we now head over to Bitter Ben the Injury Report Guy, to give us an update about, you guessed it, injuries.

Bitter Ben Injury Report Guy: Thanks for nothing, Bitter Ben the Sports Announcer guy.  Let’s hope we’ve booked a half hour or so on the show, because the list of injuries were extensive.

BBTSA: Wow, Injury Bitter Ben this sounds so enchanting. Please continue to bore our listeners even more than you normally do.

BBIRG: Of course I will, Bitter Ben. I’m sure after listening to your garbage announcing for the last three hours, they can’t wait for more.  So here is our injury report.

Marco Polo has suffered a broken hip. This loss of hipness has caused him to finally realize that he will never be cool in the eyes of his kids or any other people in general.  While the rest of the world already knew, he finally came to the realization himself. Though he won’t stop trying to say stupid words like, “Cool, man” and “That’s pretty rad”.  Marco Polo also suffers from a condition called “Self Awareness”.

Next up, we have Newton Strongbottom, who suffered a strain to his gluteus maximus. As he continually rode the pine in the game, he become the butt of all the jokes and was continually butt-hurt because he only got 300 likes on his latest Facebook post. He will be out 3-4 games because of this serious injury to his pride.


He’s a 10 and must be seen immediately.

Bell Graham is the biggest communicator on the team and because of his constant barking, he has lost his voice. While this caused his teammates much joy, his biggest fans, AT&T, Sprint, T-mobile and Verizon dropped him from their network.  While he should get his voice back soon, he biggest fans have moved on to other networks.

Mike Pointer suffered injuries to most of his fingers.  His thumb, index, ring and pinkie fingers on both hands could not be lifted past a certain point, leaving with only one finger on each hand to express himself.  The FCC is looking into getting this injury fixed as quick as possible so he can be seen on television and his younger fans as soon as possible.

Max Schnoz took a big hit not only to his ego, but to something even bigger on his face, the thing that hold his eyes up and his mouth down, the first thing you see when he enters the room, his amazingly large nose.  Nobody nose how long he will be snout, uh out.

Also pictured: Jay No Z.

Also pictured: Jay No Z.

While Greg Brawler is one of the more talented players on the team, he surely isn’t the smartest.  Thankfully, he injured his knucklehead which will surprisingly make him more valuable to the team than ever.

Sens A. Tive is out for the next two games because someone made a rude remark about his political beliefs and got on his nerves, injuring them to the point where he may be down to his last one.

David Paid’s allergies to jerks are acting up, so he had to go down to the jerk store to get some medicine.

The family man, Bill Guild sprained his uncle, so he was walking kind of tenderly around the house.

The guy at the end of the bench, Un Necessary, suffered a knee confusion.  Since he is always confused about where is supposed to be not only in games, but in practice and the team bus, his knee confusion is just joining the rest of him.

BBTSA: Is that it? Can we finally get back to listening to my way more important announcing about how deplorable this game was?

BBIRG: Please, by all means, tell us more about this game that mattered so not at all in the standings or anything else but wasting three hours of our miserable lives.

BBTSA: Okay, back to the game….


Bitter Injured Ben

28 thoughts on “The Bitter Injury Report

  1. I’m having the shittiest day here, so I venture over to your blog and what do I find, THIS. Snort laughing, you always make me laugh Bitter Ben! Thank you, I needed it today!


  2. Haha, lol! You should be the ONLY reporter allowed for football games (whoops, sorry: soccer!). I hate soccer, my entire country thinks I’m weird for that, but I suspect if you’d do the commentary on our national team’s games, I’d actually consider watching.

    You do, however, have to wait two more years for that, since our “soccer Gods” failed to qualify for the European Championships (go figure). Brilliant post!


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