I was born in California, close to LA. When I was 6 we moved to New York, Long Island to be exact. Then all my chances of and becoming a bi-coastal superstar and ever being cool died at the age of 8, when we moved to South Dakota. South Dakota is not only in the … Continue reading Your Day of Reckoning is Coming
Bitterness
Monday Morning Snapback
After one of the more memorably mentally exhausting weekends in recent memory, we can finally put the objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear(the rear view mirror). Now that it is Monday morning, we can make like Abe Lincoln and start slaying Zombies and make like George Washington and start chopping down … Continue reading Monday Morning Snapback
The Four Chambers of my Bitter Heart
I'm seeing a lot of hearts around lately. When I was at Target, I saw them on little cards with basketball players, Spongebob and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. They had really bad pun sayings on them that only I would appreciate. (Even kids groan at these things.) There was also candy and chocolate … Continue reading The Four Chambers of my Bitter Heart
Going down in flames Friday Giftures
Yesterday I was reading about a so-called author named E.L. Stein or James or something that wrote a coloring book about different shades of gray? Talk about a boring book. Is there any color more boring than gray? I live in Seattle, where there are actually that many colors of grey almost every day … Continue reading Going down in flames Friday Giftures
National Pizza Day
I don't remember much from seventh grade; I had a crush on a girl who could type way faster than me, I remember math quickly becoming my bitter rival, and my first time in art class, the teacher asked us what our favorite food(okay maybe I do remember a lot). As an introvert, I sat … Continue reading National Pizza Day
Ninja Escape Bitterness
Last weekend I died. Don't worry, it didn't hurt too much. Amazingly, I can still blog from the great beyond. You are probably all so excited to hear about that. I know I owe you an explanation, but I don't always pay people what I owe right away. Perhaps, if you send a pizza my … Continue reading Ninja Escape Bitterness
Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Order vs. Chaos
Whenever I take a shower, I put on my shampoo, which then seems to form some sort of thinking cap, because all my bitterly terrible ideas start flowing out. All the ideas sound brilliant at the time, but then as soon as I dry off or start writing them down, start not making sense anymore. … Continue reading Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Order vs. Chaos
It’s all Downhill from here Friday Giftures
Everyone goes through peaks and valleys or as I like to call them The Middle of the Sun during Summer and Middle of the Antarctic in the winter. You might reach your peak efficiency of the work week on Wednesday at 10 am, or you might reach you absolute low at 3 pm on Tuesday. … Continue reading It’s all Downhill from here Friday Giftures
Becoming a Pizza Gardener
Last Friday, I was eating a sandwich from a place called Home Grown that was really good, and it came with some chips that were also really good. One of my co-workers wondered aloud if they actually grew the potatoes themselves to make the chips. That lead me to then say, "Nope. I think they … Continue reading Becoming a Pizza Gardener
The Bitter Groundhog
Let's face it. The groundhog is famous for only two things. Every February they are known for disappointing millions of people by seeing their shadow or not seeing their shadow(whichever one it is, I don't think anyone knows) and predicting that we have 6 more weeks of winter. Though if you want to be disappointed … Continue reading The Bitter Groundhog
My Bitter New Career
When I was in 7th grade, we did a career day where we had to decide what we wanted to be when we grew up. I decided that I wanted to be an advertising copywriter. So I stuck with that dream and decided that anything that didn't have to do with writing copy was worthless … Continue reading My Bitter New Career
Taking a Ride on the Bitter Gifture Express
It's freaking Friday and that means the Bitter Express is getting ready to leave the station. The Bitter Express is a different roller coaster ride than you are used to. Most roller coaster rides are full of excitement, screaming, thrilling drops and crazy loop de loops and then, they eventually end. The Bitter Express … Continue reading Taking a Ride on the Bitter Gifture Express
The Bitter Power of the Jinx
You may not notice this thing that happens in movies, but there is a strong thread that keeps action movies going. In the beginning there is some sort of balance that keep the protagonist and the antagonist from killing each other. No matter how large the odds are against one side or the other, each … Continue reading The Bitter Power of the Jinx
The Bitter Injury Report
Bitter Entertainment Network interrupts this coverage of the president's speech to go to the game.... Bitter Ben the Sports Announcer: Well that was another terribly bitter game we just watched. An entire nation of fans were completely let down by their team who couldn't execute their way out of a Ziploc bag (see our sponsors … Continue reading The Bitter Injury Report
Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Fight vs. Flight
They say when you mess up and get yourself trapped in a corner, like when I was painting the deck, the other 20 years ago, you have one of two responses on how to get out of the mess you got yourself into. As an expert in literally and figuratively painting myself into corners on … Continue reading Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Fight vs. Flight
National Hug Day Bitter Giftures
I found out that yesterday was yet another holiday that I didn't get off work for. National Hugger's Day they call it. Of course, I don't believe in hugging unless it is a passive aggressive way for me to crack someone's ribs that I'm not real fond of. This is not to say that I … Continue reading National Hug Day Bitter Giftures
We are Groot
Guardians of the Galaxy was a big hit last summer because it was unique and different. Bitter heroes and villains were everywhere. Peter Quill aka Star Lord was bitter about his mother's death and his subsequent kidnapping. Gamora was bitter because she's the adopted daughter of a guy that wants to destroy the universe. Drax … Continue reading We are Groot
Bitterlympics
Recently I was talking to this older couple on the phone and the male said something, but then he started coughing so he had to hand off the phone to the female who started talking to me for a bit. Then she started sneezing, so she handed the phone back to the male so she … Continue reading Bitterlympics
Fit Bitterness
It's mid January, which means all your dreams of getting in shape have been dashed like the Death Star at the end of Star Wars (spoiler warning too late if you haven't seen a movie that came out in 1977). Though I can find bitterness in even the most benign situations, other less bitter individuals … Continue reading Fit Bitterness
Bitterly Depressing Friday Giftures
Yesterday was so depressing. Some weirdos in Florida and California took my winning lottery tickets from me, my idol and hero who played all the best villains, Alan Rickman died(Hans Gruber AND Snape. Two of the most bitter guys in cinema.) and once again my book didn't get published. Some say you should actually … Continue reading Bitterly Depressing Friday Giftures
Ben's Bitter Blog 