If you’ve ever met me, you know that I can’t stand sharing. When I buy a pizza, and you see me eating it and you comes up to me and ask, “Can I have a slice?” you will see this facial expression that says not only no, but infinity and beyond no. I will think in my mind, “Yes, you can have a slice. A slice of my pizza cutter.” I don’t know what that means, other than no you can’t have a slice of my pizza. Now back away from the pizza and share your horrible personality with someone who wants a slice of that.
So, this last weekend I had this amazing scientific theory proved absolutely true. They say(some scientists) that people tend to get sick right around the time that a vacation or extended holiday is about to occur. The reasoning behind it is that you work really hard to get all your work done before vacation, so you can leave it all behind and go on vacation worry free. Your body was on high alert keeping you healthy while you were in crisis mode, but as soon as you let your guard down to relax, the body allow all that pent up sickness to invade the body. So this weekend, with President’s Day coming, it immediately happened to me as I was driving home.
This makes me bitter, but it probably isn’t why you think. Most people despise being sick and when they are, they just want to lay around at home in front of the TV, under a blanket, taking naps, eating chicken soup, and whining to everyone about how sick they are.
Not me. I love being sick. The reason why I was bitter was because it happened while I was home to recuperate. When I am sick, I actually want to go to WORK. Why? Because all of a sudden the instinct that I have against sharing goes completely away.
I want to be like those kids in High School Musical that sing and dance in the hallways. Touching doorknobs, other people’s desks, people’s keyboards, rummaging around in the fridge, grabbing people by the shoulders and shaking their hands. I want to sing the song of my cough and let it hang in the air, I want my raspy sore throat to soar.
All day long, I actually want to talk to people I normally avoid like the plague, because I want them to enjoy my plague. All day long I want to hear people ask me to back off as I cough horribly nearby. I want to see people jump out of the way in vain as I sneeze.
This is my chance to spread bitterness in its purest form. There is no easier way to make people bitter and uncomfortable than by sharing the one thing they don’t want in physical form. How could I ever want to stay home and not share my bitter gift?
It’s the one time I look forward to visiting my doctor. Perhaps in some little way, I can make him uncomfortable for once. Perhaps I can forget to Purell my hands, or forget to wear one of those blue masks. I get to ask him for the latest prescription of placebo and tell people, “I went to the doctor and got a prescription for this.”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but I say revenge is a petri dish best served warm.
The world better hope I never get that Coke E-Cola virus, or it is the end of civilization as we know it. Not only will I spread it far and wide, but I will appear on talk shows, game shows, gossip shows, even CSI shows telling people that I was the source. They can keep me in a little cage and try to contain me, but it won’t work. People will start feeling the fizz no matter how many preventative measures they take against me.
But my dream was for naught, because I got sick on the weekend and by the time I got the chance to come back to work, the infection was no longer in effect. Curse you sickness on the weekend! I will get my bitter revenge! You all better pray that next time, I don’t get sick at work, because then it is on…like Donkey Kong Virus!
Bitter Sick Daze Ben