Going down in flames Friday Giftures


Yesterday I was reading about a so-called author named E.L. Stein or James or something that wrote a coloring book about different shades of gray? Talk about a boring book.  Is there any color more boring than gray? I live in Seattle, where there are actually that many colors of grey almost every day of the year. Could our coloring book be more about 50 shades of red or yellow or purple? Those at least aren’t the most boring colors.  Anyways, apparently many people were invited to ask questions of Mr./Ms. E.L. Gray and many of them weren’t fans of his/her? coloring book. Let’s just say, that if I ever wrote as bad a coloring book as this person, I wouldn’t have invited people to ask me questions.  Here are a few.

How on earth did Ana manage to graduate from university in the 21st century without an email address or a laptop? #AskELJames

And this one perfect for the Valentine’s Holiday:

#AskELJames I need advice on making a BIG romantic gesture. Should I put a GPS tracker in her phone and make threats if she tries to leave?

I’m not sure what these questions had to do with her coloring book, but they were pretty epic burns. Speaking of epic burns, this post is going down in flames pretty quickly, so view these gifs before it goes completely up in smoke.

Speaking of epic burns….


…tickle this Elmo.

And this guy is going to sunburn…


…because he’ll just lay on the beach for hours after this.

And you thought C list celebs could learn to dance fast on Dancing with the Stars…


…check out this guys amazing dance routine he just learned.

What this guy doesn’t know is…


…this is not the Stairway to Heaven.

You know that saying about never giving up…


…yeah, I don’t either. 

It looks like this guy…


…had some Hawaiian Punch with a little kick. 

This kid is pretty fast…



…he can travel from the North Pole to the South Pole in under a second. 

In the sequel of Happy Gilmore…


…this kid is Shooter McGavin Jr.

This is me meeting a new person…


…at every party ever.

Olympics gymnasts are getting so good these days…


…that they can fall correctly on life sized gummy worms. 

This guy is learning…


…a dog’s version of fetch. 

I believe…


…I can fly.  I believe I can touch…the judges table. 

You might want to go get a first aid kit, so you can nurse your epic burns.  And if you are still feeling hot, maybe you should just move away from the heater vent, or come back to the earth after spending so much time on the sun. That’s all the hot takes I have for now. I don’t want to see any of you until Sunday.


Bitter Epic Burn Ben


38 thoughts on “Going down in flames Friday Giftures

  1. Let that Elmo son of a bitch burn!! I’m sorry for the outburst- there are only so many times that bastard can randomly turn on in the middle of the night or when randomly walking by – ours was possessed! Always funny. Great post.


  2. Aren’t you being a little too hard on gray? I mean, it is so inoffensive and clean and safe. And beside it, all the bright colors look even brighter. So why all the…ohhh, I see. You were talking about THAT Gray. Ok then, carry on.


  3. Oof, I could not get past the first couple chapters of that 50 shades (and as a Portlandian, I second that call for 50 shades of something other than grey). It was so boring! And written so poorly…

    Also, that elmo gif is both creepy and amazing. I’ve rewatched it at least a dozen times to get all the gory details. Thank you.


  4. Ha! Is that one of those talking tickle me elmo dolls going up in flames? If it is, I strongly approve. We had one of those we eventually took the batteries out of and it still wouldn’t shut up. It was like a poltergeist or something. We just couldn’t kill it. I should have gotten a blow torch…


    • I’m pretty sure that was a Tickle me Elmo and yeah that guy was annoying. What is funny is my wife and I found one of those Elmo things that you would type the letters and he would say it. And if you typed, F then U and tried to do C, it would say, HA HA HA HA, that’s Funny, then say C. Like someone at Elmo headquarters realized that if you put those letters together it would say that. So funny.

      Liked by 1 person

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