Witness Protection Bitterness

When I was a kid, other kids were always asking me to play sports with them. As an early bitterness adopter, I tried my darndest to ignore these little same-aged cretins. But my mother always insisted that I go play with these weirdos, (probably because she wanted me to leave her alone) even though something way more important was happening. While I was selfishly not learning things at school all day, my poor TV was sitting at home, waiting for me to come home and feed it my eyesight and companionship. All it wanted was 8-10 hours of my attention, and I was willing to give it that time, but my mom wanted me to selfishly abandon the poor TV.

Happy The Simpsons GIF
Just me and my TV whiling away the hours…

All these other kids in my school wanted me to go outside and play sports or some nonsense. Didn’t they know the life of my TV and its ability to rot my brains was so much more important than them? Why was it so important for them to have 3 players on each side of a basketball game? Didn’t they realize that getting fresh air was just parents wanting their kids to go outside and freeze (South Dakota winters get -30 or less on the reg)?

We were already dealing with hair spray killing our ozone layer and with global colding and such. And even the reindeers retreated to the North Pole, because it was too cold in South Dakota. But my 3rd Grade peers were young and dumb and didn’t realize the dangers of being outdoors like kids these days understand.

Shaking Cold Weather GIF by funk
Ahh, the fresh air of the outdoors.

Of course, I had to grow up in the 80’s where kids were “expected” to “hang out with friends” and “enjoy doing dangerous stuff”. I couldn’t have been lucky to grow up in my kids era that had smartphones, internet and social media. I had to be bullied in person instead of being cyberbullied. I had to ignore the ringing phone with a cord, instead of pretending that my cellphone was out of range.

I tried to witness a dangerous crime, just so I could be placed into the witness protection program. I would even offer to help the FBI craft my new identity. I needed to be a child that only went to school for fun subjects like MultiMedia 101 and Lunch 201 and spend the rest of my time indoors watching TV, “because I have an allergy to the outdoors”.

season 9 episode 20 GIF by SpongeBob SquarePants
Yes I do.

But of course, my stupid town didn’t have any crime, because it was so cold, that no one wanted to go outside. Oh, I see how it is. Adults didn’t have to go outside, but they were perfectly fine sending their kids outside to play, shovel the driveway, or do a paper route in blizzards…while they sat by the fireplace and watched TV. Seems pretty fair to me.

Of course, when I try to send my kids outside to play in the blistering 40 degrees, they claim their phones will get wet and their toes will cold because they can’t wear socks with their slides.

80S Phone GIF
My phone might get wet.

No wonder everyone likes Gen X. Because the boomers worked hard, but didn’t have to pay very much money for things, while the Millennial’s got the internet, cellphones, VR and social media.

We got stuck with 80’s clothes, and having to go outside, and having to work in offices.

Just stick me in the Witness Protection Program as a Tik Tok influencer.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Witness Protection Programers Ben

14 thoughts on “Witness Protection Bitterness

  1. This piece is magnificent!!! Thank you!!!
    My own homage to “The Wi4zard of Oz”:

    “Oh Donnie Boy,” or “Orange Is the New Slack” (to the tune of the oh-so-appropriate “If I Only Had a Brain”)

    I just while away the hours
    A-tweetin’ in my bower,
    Consulting with TV.
    I don’t care for cogitating,
    I just sit here agitating
    While I’m watching Hannity.

    Think I’ll order some hamburders
    And tweet out some diverters
    From the latest breaking news
    ’bout the crimes I’ve perpetrated
    And the folks I’ve terminated
    For developing a clue.

    Oh, I-I-I can’t tell you why
    Burning fossil fuels warms the Earth,
    I care only for increasing my net worth.
    A man is measured . . . by his girth.

    I would not be just a nothin’,
    My head all full of stuffin’
    And neediness and pain.
    I wouldn’t be insane, erratic;
    I might be quite democratic
    If I only had a brain.

    Like

    • That is probably the longest and most comprehensive comment I’ve ever seen. And worthy of a post all by itself. Crazily enough, “If I only had a Brain” is the only song I can remember from that movie, so glad you used that one. Also, kind of makes me wonder if I am the Scarecrow, and never got my brain.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think all parents (well, in our time) was guilty of this mess – demanding that we go outside to play with other kids. Like you, I hated going outside to play with the undesirables too! Same foolish games everyday. Then again, I was a fat kid, so maybe I was just lazy.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My mum used to send us outside and wouldn’t let us back in until we had what she called “roses in our cheeks”. I called it “early stage frostbite.” But what did I know? I was just a kid. Grownups got to do all the fun stuff. Like pay bills and do the taxes. I would have taken taxes over snow drifts any day of my misspent week.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The crazy thing is that I didn’t even need a fire like my parents did. They could have just sat me up next to the TV and I would got all my warmth from the glow of my best friend, the Television. I would have even just left them alone if they would have left me to the TV.

      Liked by 1 person

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