I once read something. I know, you’re probably shaking your head in disbelief and probably laughing to yourself. You’re probably at work, with your headphone on, trying to focus on the task at hand, but a little laugh is swelling inside you. It’s probably reminding you of a recent Tik Tok you saw of a person falling in such an absurd way that you couldn’t help but laugh, even though you felt guilty for laughing.

It’s okay. I will allow you to laugh at my expense, like you did at that Tik Tok for over an hour that one day. And then you shared it with your friend because it was so funny. That’s fine. I will get over your mocking laughter somehow. It is that absurd that I actually read something. I know.

Anyways, since I actually read something, I’m going to tell you what it was, so that I can pretend to be knowledgeable about something. It was this: Did you know that you can only dream about people that you’ve actually seen in real life? It’s true, because I read it on the internet.

Now you may be thinking: That it isn’t true, I’ve read the debunk about that and they said it wasn’t true. But where did you read about the debunk? From the internet? That’s what I thought. So basically, your debunk is from the same place that I read the fact. So, that means you are just as mislead as I am, and since my fact was from the truer part of the internet, mine is true and your debunk is false.

So, that leads me to this fact. I’m going to need to go more places because I’m getting pretty tired of the same old dumb, boring and non-bitter people in my dreams. I need a new batch of people. If you know some home addresses of people that have actual 3-act-structure life stories, or people that look like dragons I can fly upon, send them my way. Maybe a superhero or two that can teach me how to fly or get rich while avoiding work. Or even better, a super-rich uncle that needs to unload some of his money on a guy that is soley focused on telling you how to be more bitter…

My current pool of dream extras are people like C-list celebrities John Michael Higgins and Leah Remini (from the Game Show Network), murderers from real small towns (Oxygen network) and fake 1stworld problem spewing women who have lavish, unafforable apartments in New York that move to small fictional towns (Hallmark Network). I guess I need to stop watching my wife’s shows and more of The Office. If Dwight Shrute or Stanley Hudson don’t start appearing in my dreams soon, I’m going to start a revolt where I refuse to dream anymore.

Which is probably fine, because the older I get, the less I sleep anyways. My only sleep these days are in meetings and occasional daymares when I’m filling out super fun spreadsheets.

Or when I’m waiting for my loyal blog readers to actually write a comment or two. Seems like none of us are getting what we dream of anymore. Speaking of not getting what you want, here are some Bitter Friday Giftures…

Can’t say I remember…

My dreams have been pretty lackluster lately…

I’m going to need my actors to be a little more…

And a little less…

I’m going need a little less…

And more…

Less of the…

And all of the…

And more of the…

And fighting…

Less…

More…

And then….

So to all those actors and extras in my life that keep making my dreams dumb, step it up. If you don’t, I’m going to have to replace you with more interesting actors by visiting places and you know that I don’t like doing that. But you’ve been put on notice. If you don’t start getting better at doing fun things in my dreams, I’m going to have you fired. So step it up.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Only In Dreams Ben