As you may know, I was recently preparing my speech for my nomination to get into the Bitter Hall of Fame. Though I was nominated, I didn’t get in. As per normal, I got within in one vote of getting in and I blame the people who don’t follow my blog. To say I am bitter about it is an understatement. I know one of you out there didn’t vote for me and I’m going to get to the bottom of it.
To make matters even worse, I was contacted by James Lipton of Inside the Bitter Actor’s Studio for an interview before the nominations were official. He was also anticipating that I would make the BHOF, so he wanted to interview me. The interview went badly as all my interviews do, but that wasn’t even the worst part. The interview wasn’t captured on film, because of some freakout of nature. The cameras weren’t working. Not Bravo’s, or NBC’s, not even the college news camera person managed to record it. In fact, YouTube didn’t even bother to show up, so you can’t even find it there. I did, however, manage to bring a recorder in my pocket, just in case these idiots all forgot their cameras, so below you can see a transcript of the interview.
James Lipton: Welcome, Bitter Ben. Can I call you Bitter?”
Bitter Ben: Can you call me bitter? Of course you can. That’s what I am right? Right JAMES? Can I call you BAD AT INTERVIEWING?
JL: No, what I meant was can I call you bitter for short?
BB: No I am not short, BAD AT INTERVIEWING, but I’ve noticed you are. What are you like 4’11? My daughter is taller than you Frodo.
JL: Moving on, where do you come from?
BB: Well if you did any research you would know that I come from the Planet Earth. Where do you come from, Frodo? Mars? Nebula?
JL: I apologize. What I meant was where were you born?
BB: Are you deaf, Frodo? I was…BORN ONNNN EARRRTHHH! I swear dude…
JL: Alright then. Um..who were your influences? Who inspires you?
BB: Influenza? No, James, I don’t have the flu. And as far as my inspirations, do you not know that I am going into the Bitter Hall of Fame? I don’t have inspirations. I have bitterspirations. Did you do any research for this thing? Me looking at an audience member. What are you laughing at? Did I say something funny? Dude shuts up.
JL: I’m sorry for my audience. I’ll get him removed. So who bitterspires you?
BB: I was born this way, James. The only bitterspirations I have are from the mirror. And only when I am standing in front of it.
JL: So what you are saying is that you uh, bitterspire yourself?
BB: Yes, James. Did I stutter?
JL: N,no. When you wake up in the morning, what gets you motivated?
BB: Okay, you want to go there? How about this James? I wake up at the crack of dawn, to a cold room, go into the bathroom, turn on the blinding light, shower, look at the reflection of my bitter face, comb my hair and brush my teeth and realize all those things have done nothing to improve me at all. Then I go and avoid eating breakfast, look outside at the clouds, rain, and feel the bitter cold hop inside my messy car, drive for an hour in miserable traffic and work at my job all day. What more do I need to get bitter motivated?
JL: Fascinating. Oh, look at the time. It looks like the students have to get back to their classes. Let’s do my famous wrap up questions.
BB: You’re famous? For what?
JL: You know, for asking questions. Let’s get to the first one. What is your favorite word?
BB: Are you kidding me with this question? Uh, I don’t know, maybeeee BITTER!
JL: What is your least favorite word?
BB: Again, I don’t know the opposite of Bitter. Sweet. Or maybe James Lipton.
JL: What turns you on?
BB: Dude, are you kidding me with this? Anger, frustration, anything that makes others bitter.
JL: What turns you off?
BB: Jennifer Lopez, Julia Roberts.
JL: What sound or noise do you love?
BB: Screeching of breaks, the crashing of thunder, the despair of others.
JL: What sound or noise do you hate?
BB: Your voice. Your theme song, the soundtrack of your life.
JL: What is your favorite curse word?
BB: James Lipton.
JL: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt.
BB: Beekeeper. So I could learn how to unleash the poisionous sting of bees upon you.
JL: What profession would you not like to do?
BB: College professor who is a wannabe host of a show called Inside the Actor’s Studio.
JL: If heaven, exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
BB: I don’t know what I was thinking when I created that Lipton guy. Sorry about that.
I know it wasn’t as bad as you were thinking, but there was a whole lot that I missed. Let’s just say that James Lipton was completely unreasonable when he asked all those bodyguards to come and beat me senseless. I was nothing but completely bitter the whole time.
Bitter Interviewee Ben