I was watching the credits of a movie the other day, and they were long. Really long. An hour and a half later, I woke up and they were still running. Sure it was an epic show, (so much drama, Grown Ups 2) , but what I learned is that it clearly it takes a lot of people to make a movie. It’s kind of crazy to me to see how hard someone works on say, set design, editing or cinematographing, and the movie ends up being Scary Movie 5. I wonder if they feel the same way I do about my job, knowing that I am working so hard, just so I can get ignored by my boss, ignored by my customers, and knowing full well that that I’m not going to get nominated for an award. I’ve worked in the “industry” for 15 years now, and not so much as one Employee of the Minute Award. Of course, I believe you have to do actual work to earn an award, but someday I promise to do some(the day I retire perhaps?).
At least when a carpenter finishes making a set he gets his name listed 45 minutes into the credits, when no one is watching, and scrolls by at the speed of ignorage. When I quit my job? They will probably have a party, burn or delete every record of anything I ever ignored working on and go on to record breaking sales with instant bonuses.
I know I can’t list all 1 1/2 hours of credits in my epic journey to become the Bitter King of Bitterland, but I will include a few of the main actors and directors that shaped the bitter mold you read before you today. Here is a sneak preview of my Bitter Hall of Fame speech.
First, I would like to credit(no thanks here) my fourth grade teacher for giving me a bitter dislike of math. Thanks to your bitter dispostion and old cranky ways, Mrs. Johnson(really, you were a Mrs.?) I learned to not only despise you, but also everything you taught. Credit goes to you for teaching me how to spell coffee by telling me it was your favorite drink and displaying that by way of your breath. Thanks for teaching me that some teachers should retire before the age of 80. Thanks for teaching me to fear, mistrust and ignore authority. Thanks for scarring me for life with your weak attempt at a smile once. I wouldn’t have been able to not like my job, if it wasn’t for you and your bitterness.
Next, I would like to give credit to my mouth. Mr. My Mouth, you have been there from the beginning, getting me in trouble since we were both born. We annoyed my mom and dad, by crying, puking, and spitting. When I got older my mouth started heading in another direction. When it came to food, my mouth was greedy. He didn’t care about how hard my stomach would have to work to digest all the crap he tasted, nor did he listen to my brain, when Bitter Brain said to not tell a girl she was hot really loudly in class when she was sitting right next to her boyfriend. He always moved out of the way when he was talking smack to people and let Eye, Face, Gut, and Nose take all the punishment for him. Thank you mouth for being the Hollywood Star of this bitter body.
Credit for my bitterness must also go to Mr. Walter Disney. Not only do all the movies from his studio tell you “Dreams can come true,” which we all know isn’t true, but the motto for his “amusement parks” (amusement for him, his employees and hidden cameras maybe) is the Happiest Place on Earth. If the Happiest Place on Earth is in a line, then yes, that is the “Place”. But I can’t remember the last time I remember hearing someone go, “Wow traffic was so excellent this evening! I almost wanted it to go slower so I couldn’t get home!” And when it comes to his movies, I’ve been forced to attend several about “dreams coming true” and then attended real life outside. The only dreams that have ever come true for me is when they are nightmares of me getting stuck at work for 8 hours. I dreamed last night that Tina Fey and I were friends. Still waiting for that to come true, Mr. Disney. Also I don’t want to hear another song about dreams coming true until the couch sitting business that I’ve dreaming about since I was a baby ball of bitterness has a building the size of Apple in Cupertino. So, why don’t you try selling your magic beans and fairy dust to someone that is a little more naive?
Most of all I would like to credit my co-workers. They have been an inspiration to me about how to be dysfunctional, lazy and “cough, cough” sick. Not just in their heads(real), but also fake sick in their bodies. They have also mastered the ability to use their kids, dogs, cats, dentist appointments, and doctors appointments to perfectly time when being gone would cause me to do the most of their work. Who knew I would have co-workers that cared so much about me having something to do at all times, that they would volunteer to allow me to do their work, just in case I didn’t feel like working one day (or every day).
And to the Bitter Hall of Fame, how come it took you so long to induct me. I guess I will add you to the list of things that make me bitter.
Bitter Hall of Fame Ben