Not long ago, (last week in fact) I did a post about it being cold out and how when it is cold out, it makes us do crazy things, like sit indoors with other people. For this reason, germs of one person seem to be in the same room as other people and sometimes those germs spread. So, colds and other diseases get spread from one person to another. The reason why colds don’t happen in the summer as much is because other people go outside and they don’t spread them to me while I sit on the couch. Regardless of how we get colds and flus and other nasty diseases it is time for them to end.
So who do we turn to on help with this? How about medical science? So in order to make me less bitter, this is what I want medical science to do. I want to be able to go to my doctor and say, “I have a cold.” The doctor should then reply to me “Oh, well we have a cure for that. Take this pill and you will never have a cold again.” Or better yet, “Here is a pepperoni pizza from Pizza Hut. Eat a piece or two, save the rest for dinner or breakfast, and once you finish it, your cold will be cured. Oh, and by the way, don’t worry about the calories, they won’t make you fat, nor will you have heartburn. We’ve engineered food to taste good without all those side effects.” I would then reply, “Thank you medical professional who I and my company way overpay. Thank you for actually earning the exorbatant amounts of money we pay you!”
Of course that is just the beginning of what I am asking for. Here is another example. Say I want to play a game of basketball, but not just any game. I want to play in an NBA game. I want to earn more money in a day, than most people earn in a year. But I am slightly overweight, and I have a bad back and a bad knee. Possibly a bad shoulder and maybe a bone spur in my foot. Also I can’t play in the NBA with this hair. I need a slight upgrade in the front part where some strands are missing. So, medical science I just had a hankering for this today. It’s not like I want to play in the NBA everyday. I mean the travel in private planes, the having to eat out in fancy restaurants and living in big mansions that make you walk around a lot just isn’t for me. I just want to try it for a day. So I want to go see my doctor and ask for the NBA today pill. He should be able to write me a prescription and I could take it in the early afternoon and I would be ready for that nights Spurs game.
Some of you might say, basketball is boring and I’ve never really dreamed of playing. Medical sceince hasn’t made you bitter yet. Going to a doctor for your cold and him telling you to get rest is enough for you. But what if you want laser vision, heat vision, freezing breath or super strength? Has medical science done something for you on that front? I know there are replacement knees or hearts, but has medical science done enough for my desire to be a cyborg? I don’t just want replacements, I want upgrades. How about instead of replacement knee you give me knee 2.0. They allow me to run faster than my five year old or jump higher than a nickel. I want arm 2.0’s so I can lift myself out of the chair in the morning and so I can avoid doing work better. As far as the heart goes, I don’t just want a replacement heart, I want one that doesn’t get emotional. If someone rejects me for my poor hygene or my lack of skills on my resume, or my poor grammar on my blog post, I want heart 2.0 to give me the capacity to not want to cry in my cereal. Is that to much to ask medical science? Are these things really that hard to invent? Well, if you think so, here is my advice. (Advice from me is cheap. I only charge $100,000 per idea, even if you don’t use it.) Invent yourself as a person that can do this. I know it isn’t as glamourous as the NBA player or the heat vision/super knee/no emotion heart trifecta, but a certain glory will go to cyber you. My cyber heart won’t give a crap, but maybe someone else will wish for a cyberheart that cares more. And they will thank you.
I am very bitter this hasn’t happened yet. Get moving Medical Science!
5 thoughts on “Medical Science Bitterness”
Yes. To all of this. I’ve had a cold for nine days. When medical science finally gets it together, let me know.
Bitter Ben Industries (or BBI for short) is actually working on a tabloid that gets implanted in your head directly to take out the middle man, so you can be bitter at celebrities faster. Pills are too slow.
NBA today–ha! In addition to a pill, why isn’t that a tabloid about basketball players’ lives. I think you’re sitting on a gold mine here!
hahahah! love this! the photos especially!
Thanks, I drew the photos myself. The words I just stole from the internet and the alphabet.