This thermometer doesn’t even have the -80 F that it was that day.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure I have been outside in a temperature that was colder than you. I know that sounds really lame to some people who live in Arizona or California or Saudi Arabia. Why would you even care? And why would that ever be something to brag about? Well, if you are from the Midwest or from Antartica you probably understand. It’s human nature. Someone starts a conversation and says that have done something really extreme. It could be that they jumped off a swing 10 feet in the air and landed on their ankle wrong and sprained it. Soon enough you have a group of people telling their one up stories. The last guy is saying he jumped from space and landed flat on his face and was eaten by tigers. Of course he is exaggerating, but you get the point. Humans are one uppers. So I risk the fact that when I tell you the extreme coldest I have ever been in, I will get stories of other people that will top it. That is fine. It will just make me bitter, but not as bitter as this time in my life makes me. Let me explain.
When I first moved to South Dakota(the rest of my family followed me there too), there was a day when the temperature was -80 F with the wind chill. I went to school that day. I was kind of bitter(at 8 years old I was still just kind of bitter), because they didn’t even let us go outside for recess that day. How was I supposed to break my leg while slipping on the ice? Or be forced to stick my tongue to the flag pole by the school bully? Obviously the school didn’t really care about our feelings. It always about them.
As an attention seeker, I couldn’t brag to my classmates about being in -80 weather, so I had to find something else. Luckily, my chance would come in the form of a big semi lake of ice on our school playground. Me and someone else(probably an aquaintance since I didn’t really have friends) decided to take a run at the ice skating rink and try to slide as far as we could. I slipped hard and landed on my wrist. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to have to go to the hospital. Thankfully, I was just as clumsy then as I am now and was able to full on sprain my wrist at church while walking on the ice.
This would finally be the day when I would sprain my wrist and get the attention of the class! (that isn’t me in the picture but a model that posed for me to depict that day) Unfortunately they chose a girl to play me(I was actually a boy.)
I couldn’t believe my luck. I sprained my wrist! I was able to go to school the next day with a brace that was wrapped with an Ace Bandage! How cool(get it cool?) would I be? But alas, my legendary bad timing would be my demise as another student actually broke their wrist and my painful sprain would be soon forgotten. One upped by a broken wrist! Curses! My kind of bitter grew into pretty bitter.
A depiction of the boy who had a broken arm that totally upstaged my sprained wrist.
As I got older, global warming happened and the highs in winter reached a warm -30F and there was just nothing to brag about anymore. I mean, Siberia was getting -40’s on a regular basis. It’s my personal opinion that they were using illegal air conditioning and possibly steriods at the time, but hey I’m not accusing them of anything. I mean if you wanted to do an investigation on how they got that cold, that’s fine, but I don’t care. Why would I have any interest in that?
I eventually moved to Idaho and later Utah, but the cold feeling that I got from South Dakota never returned. Don’t get me wrong Idaho and Utah tried their best(not really, they only got -10 F), but they could never stack up to the pure feeling of wind penetrating your wind proof jacket deep into your bones like a good old fashioned -80 F. I’ve searched this earth high and low, I’ve tried to go outside in -30 without a jacket, I’ve even tried sleeping overnight in an ice cave pinned to the side of the ice cave wall, but nothing will ever compare to the exhileration of the day when it -80 below wind chill.
A picture of a model depicting me sleeping up against a wall in an ice cave. At least the model was a male this time.
Just like my sprained wrist would never stack up to the broken one of my classmate, the cold of anywhere else will never stack up to the -80 F winter I experienced in South Dakota. And that makes me bitter. And bitterly cold just thinking about it.
Arrrgghhhh
Bitter Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
If it makes you feel bitter, I grew up in northern MN, and I can’t even one up you–60 below with windchill was my bottom point. You still have the awesomely bitter cold first place spot!
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Isn’t that just considered southern Canada? I went to the Twin Cities a lot in order to get quality clothing at tax free prices. Tax not on clothes and all. So are you from near the Twin Cities or from a much lamer place?
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A MUCH lamer place–the Iron Range north of Duluth about an hour–and yes, it’s pretty much southern Canada, aye.
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Farther north than Duluth. Holy cow. Are you sure it wasn’t just northern Canada?
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Could’ve been…not great at geography…I guess is could have been Siberia for that matter.
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No wonder you live in Florida now. Couldn’t take the heat of Minnesota in the winter.
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You got it–even if I rub elbows with most of the criminals that live in the US, the weather makes up for it!
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You exchanged Southern Canada for Northern Cuba huh? Is it any wonder I live in Seattle, the farthest possible place from Florida in the continental US?
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No wonder why you’re so bitter…bitter like the starbucks coffee you need to keep you awake during all those rainy days.
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I don’t drink coffee. Never have. I am the only one in Seattle to avoid that stuff. Like I want a drink that cheers me up in the morning?
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You want to really experience bitterness? Drink coffee (preferably bitter starbucks) every morning for six months, and then decide you don’t like it and quit cold turkey. The headache will bring you to new levels of bitterness.
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No. Not going to do it. I’ve quit already by not starting .
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Way LAMER! North of Duluth about an hour on the Iron Range. Yep, pretty much southern Canada, aye.
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Upstaging sucks!
By the way, can we talk about my broken ankle? Not that I want to make you bitter.
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Let discuss your broken ankle and how bitter I will be to be upstaged. Also you stinking blog is so cool it is making mine look terrible(not that it needs any help, thank you very little.)
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Lies! Flattery! All of that and thank you too. Right now I have terrible posting block to be honest.
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I’ve got an idea. Blog about terrible blogs you just read and feature mine with an interview about how they let anyone on this wordpress thing. I will sell out for any amount of attention.
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Done deal!
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I can’t wait!
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I’m from the mountains in upstate New York and I can’t imagine being that cold!
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It’s best to not try and imagine it. The only reason it didn’t bug me more is that I was so young. I try to be near a fire or heater whenever thinking about it.
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You should come to Texas! It’s practically summer here (without the humidity).
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I should go to Texas. It is cold, rainy and windy here.
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We are in Arizona, and do the opposite from you. We whine like babies when it gets to be 120 degrees farenheight. It make our nose hairs singe. Even the dog whines. The coldest I felt was Fort Wayne Indiana in December, 40 below with the wind chill factor, it felt like my lungs were going to collapse.
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I went to Phoenix once, and it was in August. It guess it was monsoon season because it wasn’t 125. We actually had a flash flood when we were going to see Inception. It was nuts!
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I dont have a cold story even though I could because I’m from the Midwest. However, I ended up laughing loudly on the train in front of people who now won’t be my friends because they think I’m crazy. If zombies attacked right now, they would toss me to the horde so they could make a getaway. I’m a little bitter about that.
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As long as you are bitter about something.
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Bitter Cold, ah yes the memories that thaw out. Cold winters in Chicago with the wind off the lake redefining the term wind chill. I shiver with excitement.
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Yes the wind and cold mixing together to blow right through your coats. That is my definition of bitter.
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Takes me back to the Detroit winters when I was a kid. Nothing like -80 of course, but running around in -20 on the playground and getting yelled at by the parochial school nuns to get our jackets back on was still a good time.
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Anything below zero is too cold. The cold needs to stop making me so bitter.
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Ha! Here’s what makes me bitter about all the one-upping going on when you talk to people:
The one-uppers are not even aware that they are doing it (for the most part), they just think they are being witty conversationalists. Even more bitter to realize that I do it to (nooooo!).
Thanks for stopping by my blog Bitter Ben, I’m enjoying your posts!
Julia (http://insanitymostly.wordpress.com/)
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I am definitely a one upper, but that is because I am bitter. No one else gets to be one.
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Huh…I’m in Colorado, and when we hit 40 degrees fahrenheit, I consider myself an “indoor girl”. Brrr..
ps –
I’m beginning to think I need to find some models to depict me on my blog.
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I grew up in upstate New York (farm country) … your post brings lots of memories of cold, especially in a house that had only a floor furnace for heating. But, I know, I know, it was never as cold as you describe here 😉 By the way, thanks for coming by my blog 🙂
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I’ve never been that cold since. As hard as I try, I could never replicate that kind of cold. And no trouble on the read on your blog.
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Loved the story and the replacement of you with a girl! hahaha! the glowing ice cubes tube is cool!
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You replaced me with a girl? And there’s glowing ice cubes? What are you doing with my bitterness?
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Such a creative and amazing different blog. I ❤ it. thanks for liking my blog post @ http://blueribbonfair.wordpress.com/2013/03/02/confusion-so-you-tried-to-give-a-helping/.
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No trouble. It’s always nice to see other people’s blogs and what they do with it. I love doing so that is what really matters. And since I like it, that makes me bitter that I’m not bitter enough. The circle of bitterness.
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I went out in -25 or -30 in the Polish mountains wearing just my normal clothes – no coat or anything. I was curious to see how long I would be able to stand it (about 3 minutes) before scuttling back indoors.
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Congrats on making it that long. I barely made it 20 feet from the door to the bus. You’ve got a big case for bitterness right there.
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This is bitterful! Thanks for visiting and liking one of my posts!
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No trouble. Always glad to support other bloggers in their dreams of writing, bitter or not so bitter.
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Amen to your reply.
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This is bitterful!
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It is definitely full of something!
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It may not be -80F, but I have survived -30C (still freakin’ cold) in a Canadian Prairie winter. Regretably, people there just tell you to “suck it up Buttercup”, put on some more layers, and get ‘r done. Glad you enjoyed my blog “A Wandering Mind …”.
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I have moved on from the Bitter cold and now just do bitter rain in Seattle. Hope you survive your cold winter!
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The closest I’ve been to bitter cold was when I spilled a frozen margarita in my lap. The drink was cold and I was very bitter. You’ve got me beat by miles, Ben…
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Haven’t you heard of global warming? It’s getting warmer, man, not colder! (at least that’s what my TV keeps telling me)
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74F here, today. 🙂 Can I get a what-what for the Golden Coast? 😉 But I feel your pain, Bitter Ben. I lived in MT and Switz and well MT was just so buttass cold. -50 was not uncommon, and somehow I don;t remember that as all that bone blasting–definitely depended on wind chill, and i was a mere grade schooler, but I’d still rather ski Tahoe any day. 🙂
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I was also a mere gradeschooler when the “incedent” happened but bitter carries a long way…so I will never forgive you South Dakota for what you did to me!
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Over here (Ireland) we compete about the rain .My family are in different parts so over the phone if you say, “Its raining here all day” it is followed by “its lashing here the past three days” and that is ultimately topped by “cant remember a dry day!”
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We are famous in the US for the rain too. It rains all the time here and even late into July we are getting 50 degrees and cold.
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I guess that trumps my rain!
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I wish I could lose that battle.
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I feel your pain…well, not really and I don’t want to. I broke my arm when I was 10. It happened in the middle of the summer and the cast was off before school started back. That was a bummer.
Living in Mississippi has it’s good points…anything below 30 degrees F is brutal to us and we have no intentions of going where it gets much colder. In the summer we do get to brag about the heat and humidity though.
It was brutally cold this morning. We had frost. Of course it is up to 42F now and should be in the 60’s this afternoon.
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Your warmness right now makes me so bitter. But I hope to hear back about your bitterness in the summer.
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I definitely get this! I grew up in Minnesota. I also remember a day when it was 60 below without the windchill and people were hammering in nails with frozen bananas. Also, the polar bears at the Minnesota zoo had bloody paws because their paws had frozen the ground of their enclosure. It was probably worse in South Dakota that day! Thanks for memories (ouch, like the one about sticking my tongue on a frozen stop sign pole.) Thanks also for stopping by Travel Oops! Cheers, Steph
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You grew up in Minnesota but now you live in Australia? That is quite a difference! I certainly don’t blame you. It is sure warmer there in most places!
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hey ben, love your blog – damn that fellow student who upstaged you with the actual broken limb! thanks for stopping by my blog and i looked forward to more of your bitter words – beth
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Kids are always trying to top each other. Made it really hard to succeed in the art of sympathy!
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Both my parents are from South Dakota, and I’ve spent a lot of time there throughout my life, but I grew up, mostly in Arizona. One year, we went to South Dakota for Christmas. As I stepped off the plane, into South Dakota, I felt like I was in a science fiction movie…like I had just stepped onto the surface of another planet. I was wearing the usual…coat, hat and mittens, but it just wasn’t enough to prevent the South Dakota air from flash freezing my insides!
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I feel your pain. I got the brilliant idea one year at my Christmas break during college to earn a little money, so I worked construction outdoors for the two weeks in -30. I didn’t have my normal winter clothes, so I had to use a pair of my brother’s stretchy gloves, covered by some old mittens and his old puffy coat that didn’t block any wind. Yeah, smartest decision I ever made.
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At this point in my life I think a broken arm would really help me much like it did in elementary school. Plus they are pretty painful, so I will avoid them for now.
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Lame… just pretend you broke it, and holy fuck that is cold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😦
Why couldn’t that kid break his arm some other time? Now I am all bitter, great. :p
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I know right? The nerve fo some people breaking their arm! Yes that is cold and I don’t think it will happen again in my lifetime, not with all the global warming and the like.
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Apparently, (and I know nothing as I feel there is little to nothing we can do about it, so out of fear have avoided the subject for the most part) the warming makes it colder?! Something about ice melting and making things that weren’t cold colder. You may be able to break your arm yet!
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And I was feeling sorry for myself having to wipe the ice off of my window on the way to work when it was in the twenties here!
Great post!
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No need to feel bad. My evil plan back then was to invent global warming so that it never get that cold again. I see that my plan is slowly starting to work.
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It’s pretty cold up here in the great white north here… but not that cold in Toronto. I usually stay warm by imbibing copious amounts of wine.. you should try it!
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I was actually just complaining about something that happened many years ago when I was in third grade. Seattle is pretty warm ( and by warm I mean above 0). What was funny to me was when I was in Orlando and it got down to 60 and people were putting on coats and complaining about how cold it was.
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I think it’s that -80 exposure that made you so bitter. I think I would die if I went out in weather that cold. Since this is the first winter I’m thin, prior to this year I never really appreciated how awful the cold is–and it’s pretty warm this winter in Chicago. I miss my blubber.
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I remember the day. We went from the side of the school to bus (about 10 steps) and that was it. They didn’t really want us moving in the cold much more than that. Although my cat probably wanted to get out 3-100 times so that was kind of annoying.
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-80? And they let you go to school? And I’m whining about moving to Quebec. I guess that makes me a real baby.
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You aren’t a baby. Just a grown person who doesn’t like having wind penetrate your coat and your toes and limbs to be numb.
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I can’t imagine -80- and I’m whining about moving to Montreal. Hmmmm
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Don’t worry. Any temperature that is colder than 71 is whinable. See: the people of California, Arizona or Florida.
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So true! I grew up in South Dakota, but now live in California. I have heard myself complain about the cold when it is 58 degrees–for which I am ashamed and maybe even a little bitter. What happened to my badass self? I have to dig around in my archives for the family Christmas photo my parents insisted on taking OUTSIDE when it was -20 degrees. It is my favorite family photo of all time.
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Where in South Dakota? I was in Sioux Falls. I love crying to people about how hard life was there. I only wish that I was kidding too.
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Hahaha! Sioux Falls, as a matter of fact. My high school government teacher (a.k.a. the football coach) asked me if I filled out the political beliefs survey as a joke. Um, NO. Once I got the hang of keeping mum about my thoughts, and drinking copious quantities of 3.2 beer, it wasn’t so bad. Just damn chilly.
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What high school? I was at Lincoln High, class of 91.
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Lincoln! Since there’s only, like, 2 1/2 high schools, I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised. Still, what are the odds? I’m a few years ahead. Just missed you.
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Don’t worry you didn’t miss much. I was said like 9 words in high school. Good times.
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