Let Us(By Us I mean You) Get Some Exercise this Weekend Bitterness Giftures

I’ve been told by television that if you exercise and eat right for like a year, you will lose half your body weight.  Your life will “be transformed”, everyone will “fake” like you, and you will “find the person of your dreams” and you will get the “promotion you’ve been striving for”, you will get a book deal, and you might even learn how to use “quotation marks” correctly.  So since I have no desire to be liked, “fake” or otherwise, I already found the woman of my dreams, etc, I have decided that I will eat carrots for dinner, but only when dipped in ice cream.  I have also decided that I will exercise but only when the kids aren’t around and I need the remote, or a sandwich(dipped in ice cream, of course). If you decide that you want to exercise though, I will help you by yelling at you to “go faster” if you are ever jogging on my block.  I’m bitter that way.  If that isn’t enough, I will leave these despiring gifs right here for your demotivation.


The first day of exercise is like the first day of the week…

Yeah, Monday...

Yeah, Monday…


First, let’s get you an instructor…



Though he dresses a little strangely for workouts, he’s no joke.



Next, let’s find you some music…


…here we are. Singer in car…complete with her own back up singer.


Alright, now let’s do some light stretches…


Pass the ax to your partner.

…pass the ax to your partner….now the shovel…



Now let’s start with a little light cardio…

Alright now let's st

…just don’t strain your digits.


Now let’s do some spinning classes…



…just don’t tail behind everyone.


Now let’s start jumping…


...and don't be the class goat.

…but keep up, or you’ll be the class goat.


Alright now let’s do some high jumping….

or high slipping.

or high slipping.

Alright, now I’m gonna need a minute to compose myself…


...it's real.

…so I can exercise my jaw.


And now we will step it up…


…ummm there isn’t supposed to be a mat there…or a ball…or a spotter…REMOVE THEM!


Now let’s kick it up even further…


Come on maggots!!!You should be able to do this already!


 Alright that’s enough.  I’m getting winded just yelling at you.


I’m gonna go have my cool down meal….


Annnnd that’s enough exercise for me for the year.  Go do your own exercises, you lazy turds.  I’ve got some important staff meetings to go to.  And by staff I mean couch, and by meetings I mean naps.  And by go I mean pizza.

Later Suckers!


Bitter No Exerciser Ben


27 thoughts on “Let Us(By Us I mean You) Get Some Exercise this Weekend Bitterness Giftures

  1. I really got frightened when I came to the bit about ‘learning how to use “quotation marks” correctly,’ my Dear Ben. Because, somehow, that is One thing I do Not want to learn! …Anyway, Monday was doing well, stoking up on Tuesday, keeping his own rations safe for Wednesday. …Curses on fellows who swing their little girls by their hair. Tired already, what!


  2. BRAVO! Exercise is just deliberately wasting energy because you overate earlier. People wouldn’t need to burn off calories if they didn’t consume too many calories in the first place. Really, talk about your Rube Goldberg approach to life–that’s exercise.


    • If everything I ate like chocolate chip cookie dough didn’t cause so many calories, I wouldn’t have to exercise. Perhaps if salad and kale were high calorie food I would be fine cause I don’t eat those things.


  3. Oh! People who “fake” like me, AND acquiring the ability to use “quotation marks” properly is just what I need! 😀 I’m not quite sure I need those things enough to do any spinning though… Thats all kinds of craziness!


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