I went to lunch yesterday for my anniversary and must have had some bad combination of Chicken Alfredo, too much strawberry passion fruit limeade, and too little willpower to stop eating the unlimited breadsticks (I was just testing their limits), because when I left that place, I was sporting a nasty case of the hiccups (or as my kids used to call them wiccups). Hiccups are funny to laugh at when they are happening to someone else, (Ha Ha you can’t complete a sentence without hiccuping!) but oh so bitter when they are happening to you. The whole way home I was barely talking, because every time I tried to say something, I got interrupted by myself. There is nothing more annoying than getting interrupted, but it is even more irritating when it is by the most bitter person you know. What would be no big deal to a 6 year old or a 20 year old, becomes a big deal to a dude who can’t seem to take a walk outside without straining, or complaining or wincing about every small infliction happening in their 80 year old body. So, of course, my throat was hurting, my chest was caving in and I was hiccuping all the way home. I had heard of a new method of curing hiccups, but it involved liquid. As far as I know, restaurants haven’t started to send home take home juice boxes, so I couldn’t do anything until I got home.
When I got home I found the nearest cup and filled it with water and had my daughter pull my ears down. It worked almost immediately. Finally, my hiccups were gone. But that was just the beginning of my terrible, horrible, no good, very bitter day.
My stomach was bloated from the aforementioned endless breadsticks, so I laid down on our lovesack to relieve the bloat, only to realize that the remote control was like four inches beyond my reach. Nope, not gonna do it. There were no kids available to
order around ask for assistance, so I had to watch whatever inane thing was on the television. It took every effort I could muster after battling my bitter rival, the Wiccups, to turn over on my stomach. At that point I gave up and just took an unplanned 15 minute snoozer(about 3 3/4 hours shorter than I expected), and woke up with hope that either kids were around or the remote magically moved closer. None of those things happened as I expected, so I sacrificed the rest of my energy to reach the extra 4 inches to get the remote.
Remote in hand, channel changed, I realized that it was about 70 degrees inside (2 degrees above comfortable for me), so I turned on the portable AC. It was just about cool enough, but then it was too loud for me to hear the TV. I began this endless cycle of having turn the TV up, only to turn the AC down, then have to turn the TV down, and then it would get too hot. Add in the fact that commercials are even louder than the regular programs into the vicious TV/Air Conditioning/Commercial decibel level cycle and you can see why I was so exhausted.
After having to endure the cycle for 4 hours, I finally decided that I would get on my computer to check some really important junk mail I was meaning to get to as well as really important work stuff that I needed to get to (prep for my blog tomorrow). Luckily, one of the kids was around, so I got them to deliver it to me. I opened my
junkmail email and went through them for a couple of hours, checking to see if that the African Prince that I gave my bank account number to had put the $10 million in my account yet(still waiting), then went to prep for my blog today, when the spinning wheel of death (Mac owners know what I’m talking about) came on. It spun around for like 5 seconds and I just couldn’t take it any more. I can’t stand when computers can’t take trillions of bits of information and produce instant results to me. I just don’t have the patience for it, so I just threw my computer away. I know it’s only a year old, but I’ve thrown phones out for even less, so good riddance computer.
Then, I got a hangnail on my finger. I can’t even…I just…I give up…I’ve never had a worse day…
I understand there is civil unrest, war, famine, global warming, and buckets of cold ice water that need to be dumped on celebrities heads, but how am I supposed to concentrate on all those important things, when I am having to deal with all these hiccups in my day?
How about all of you? How do you deal with such bitter things?
Bitter Wiccups Ben