There are a few routes I take everyday, that I can do them by instinct. Work to home, I’ve got memorized. Work to Pizza, I know that by heartburn. Couch to kitchen I can do in my sleepwalk. But when it comes to going from home to work or home to the hardware store or any other form of “work”, I need a GPS just to get within the same city. There are some things I have no trouble navigating, and that is remembering things I’m bitter about. I remember this one time when I was a baby. I was playing blocks with my “friend” Billy and he took one of them home. I was trying to spell out a blog post, but he took the “B”. Honestly, Billy, you knew I couldn’t do my bitter blog without a “B”. That’s like making a peanut bitter and jelly without the peanut bitter or the jelly. I never talked to him again. Or course, neither of us could talk at the time, but that’s beyond the point. He and I still don’t associate. Point being, I don’t forget things that I’m bitter about. And the readers of this blog should never forget all these posts either. So see below for another long lost post from earlier in my life (#TBTYA Turn back Two Years ago).
Batman makes me so bitter. I’ve got a beef with Mr. Bruce Wayne/Dark Knight man. Look Mr. Wayne, I get that you are bitter like me. Your parents were shot right in front of you. That would be pretty tragic. But let’s be honest. You have a lot of things to not be bitter about.
He has pretty much the coolest butler in the world. Not only does this guy bring him tea whenever he wants, and answers his door for him (you know because doors are so hard to answer), but he spews out all kinds of wisdom. Everything Alfred says is a movie quote, or the theme for the movie. I mean how many times have we heard someone re-quote, “Some people just want to watch the world burn!” There isn’t a parent in the world that does all those things.
This guy is so bitter about his parents that he goes all around the world to fight criminals. I am a bitter person and would probably do bitter things, but I could think of other things to drown my bitterness in. How about taking a dip in the world’s largest vault of cash? You are a billionaire Mr. Wayne. Use your money for something good like cash diving. Or wipe your tears with some $100 bills. After a little green therapy, you could replace all that bitterness. How about a look at your bank statements with all the zeros to cheer you up. Or play some football in your stadium sized front room. Maybe appear on Shark Tank so you can listen to some of the world’s stupidest people pitching you the world’s stupidest ideas. That is always good for a laugh. Definitely would cheer me up.
He is so bitter that he became a life sized bat and dressed up in a costume. We all want to hide behind a mask Bruce, but that is what Halloween is for, maybe the occasional costume party you could have at your mansion. If you want to fight crime, maybe get a uniform, joins the police force. If you want to fly, take up paragliding. If you want to go out late at night, try club hopping. There are solutions for you besides dressing up all the time. And we all get trying to compensate for failure in other areas. You don’t need such a huge automobile that you name after a bat. How about the Cool mobile or the Batterghini?
And what about you makes you so cool that you have to be named the Dark Knight? Did you go to jolly England to do a formal ceremony so you could get Knighted? Who was the one that decided on that name too? Did he run out of names when he was Knighting you and looked out the window and see that it was dark out? Did he then chuckle when he said, “It even has two meanings! Get it, Dark Night, Dark Knight? It am so hilarious!”
One other thing, Mr. Dark Knight. We really want to thank you for your kind service in saving us from all these crazy criminals, which I might add only came along when you did. Next time you fight these guys could you accidently kill some of them so they don’t keep reappearing at Arkham Assylm and escaping again and again? You’d think that Arkham Assylm would have gotten some bitter security by now. Could you use some of your millions to possibly get some upgrades?
And for goodness sakes, every time you get in a chase with a criminal could you not destroy the whole freakin city? Is it really worth destroying a criminal if you have to destroy the whole train system, the subway, the underground, the Narrows bridge and every other bridge in the city? Now that I think about it, maybe he is not really trying to save Gotham, but just taking out all his bitterness on Gotham. Maybe he is so bitter that he is using every last resource he has, all his billions of dollars on getting expensive destroying machines, the Batmobile, the Bat Jet and so forth and taking it out on all the city and he is just blaming the “1 or 2 criminals” he fights each year.
He’s “saving” Gotham by destroying it. He’s showing that he “cares” about people, by putting many in danger to save 1 or 2 people that he loves. And he built the bat cave so he could brood in bitterness.
In that case he is trying to be the most bitter person alive and thus making my bitterness inadequate. And that makes me more bitter. And makes me want to go compensate by buying a big truck.