There are a few routes I take everyday, that I can do them by instinct. Work to home, I’ve got memorized. Work to Pizza, I know that by heartburn. Couch to kitchen I can do in my sleepwalk. But when it comes to going from home to work or home to the hardware store or any other form of “work”, I need a GPS just to get within the same city. There are some things I have no trouble navigating, and that is remembering things I’m bitter about. I remember this one time when I was a baby. I was playing blocks with my “friend” Billy and he took one of them home. I was trying to spell out a blog post, but he took the “B”. Honestly, Billy, you knew I couldn’t do my bitter blog without a “B”. That’s like making a peanut bitter and jelly without the peanut bitter or the jelly. I never talked to him again. Or course, neither of us could talk at the time, but that’s beyond the point. He and I still don’t associate. Point being, I don’t forget things that I’m bitter about. And the readers of this blog should never forget all these posts either. So see below for another long lost post from earlier in my life (#TBTYA Turn back Two Years ago).
Batman Bitterness
He’s bitter because, you know, it’s raining outside. The weatherman said partly cloudy with a small chance of rain. Weatherman!!!
Batman makes me so bitter. I’ve got a beef with Mr. Bruce Wayne/Dark Knight man. Look Mr. Wayne, I get that you are bitter like me. Your parents were shot right in front of you. That would be pretty tragic. But let’s be honest. You have a lot of things to not be bitter about.
He has pretty much the coolest butler in the world. Not only does this guy bring him tea whenever he wants, and answers his door for him (you know because doors are so hard to answer), but he spews out all kinds of wisdom. Everything Alfred says is a movie quote, or the theme for the movie. I mean how many times have we heard someone re-quote, “Some people just want to watch the world burn!” There isn’t a parent in the world that does all those things.
This guy is so bitter about his parents that he goes all around the world to fight criminals. I am a bitter person and would probably do bitter things, but I could think of other things to drown my bitterness in. How about taking a dip in the world’s largest vault of cash? You are a billionaire Mr. Wayne. Use your money for something good like cash diving. Or wipe your tears with some $100 bills. After a little green therapy, you could replace all that bitterness. How about a look at your bank statements with all the zeros to cheer you up. Or play some football in your stadium sized front room. Maybe appear on Shark Tank so you can listen to some of the world’s stupidest people pitching you the world’s stupidest ideas. That is always good for a laugh. Definitely would cheer me up.
He is so bitter that he became a life sized bat and dressed up in a costume. We all want to hide behind a mask Bruce, but that is what Halloween is for, maybe the occasional costume party you could have at your mansion. If you want to fight crime, maybe get a uniform, joins the police force. If you want to fly, take up paragliding. If you want to go out late at night, try club hopping. There are solutions for you besides dressing up all the time. And we all get trying to compensate for failure in other areas. You don’t need such a huge automobile that you name after a bat. How about the Cool mobile or the Batterghini?
And what about you makes you so cool that you have to be named the Dark Knight? Did you go to jolly England to do a formal ceremony so you could get Knighted? Who was the one that decided on that name too? Did he run out of names when he was Knighting you and looked out the window and see that it was dark out? Did he then chuckle when he said, “It even has two meanings! Get it, Dark Night, Dark Knight? It am so hilarious!”
One other thing, Mr. Dark Knight. We really want to thank you for your kind service in saving us from all these crazy criminals, which I might add only came along when you did. Next time you fight these guys could you accidently kill some of them so they don’t keep reappearing at Arkham Assylm and escaping again and again? You’d think that Arkham Assylm would have gotten some bitter security by now. Could you use some of your millions to possibly get some upgrades?
And for goodness sakes, every time you get in a chase with a criminal could you not destroy the whole freakin city? Is it really worth destroying a criminal if you have to destroy the whole train system, the subway, the underground, the Narrows bridge and every other bridge in the city? Now that I think about it, maybe he is not really trying to save Gotham, but just taking out all his bitterness on Gotham. Maybe he is so bitter that he is using every last resource he has, all his billions of dollars on getting expensive destroying machines, the Batmobile, the Bat Jet and so forth and taking it out on all the city and he is just blaming the “1 or 2 criminals” he fights each year.
He’s “saving” Gotham by destroying it. He’s showing that he “cares” about people, by putting many in danger to save 1 or 2 people that he loves. And he built the bat cave so he could brood in bitterness.
In that case he is trying to be the most bitter person alive and thus making my bitterness inadequate. And that makes me more bitter. And makes me want to go compensate by buying a big truck.
Arrrggghhh
Bitter Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
oh the stupid weatherman here too: 2 am they said 70 from 1-4 pm & it was 65..so u know how bitter i am!
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It must be so horrible to have 70 degree weather in December.
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it’s horrible to tease me, so i get excited ,i cam open boxes outside & not die from toxic mold & dust & then 65 is high…they now say sunday is 71. i won’t believe it
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The weatherman are quite rude telling you temps that aren’t going to happen.
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yes they are & i forgot to say, every time they say 70,it always rains all day….sunday the same..it says 72 now & rain.
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What do they say for Seattle? 70’s too?
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rain..no, i need a zip code to check?
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I assume there is always rain, but can it be 70- and rain? 98059 zip.
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FINALLY!! Someone else bitching about Batman other than me. Setting aside the fact that he isn’t actually a “Superhero” because that implies having inhuman powers, the Batman has no reason to complain. I talk about this all the time and the fact that (although bleak), he’s lucky to not have parents. That’s probably why he has to fight criminals because he’s not wasting his time arguing with his mom and dad. But before I ramble too much, I completely agree on all fronts. (I do like the word “batarang” though. I’d like one myself.)
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Lots of people have lost their parents but have not had the same luck of being able to land on a soft billion dollar 12,000 thread count sheets. Anyways, he definitely is luckier than your average orphan.
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Indeed. (I realize now that my comment sounds rather gauche, but I really didn’t mean to be offensive. Just to be clear lol.)
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Just by knowing the meaning of gauche, you proved that you are more gauche than me. I had to look the freaking word up on Google. By the way, okay to do on this blog.
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Haha it was a “word of the day” on my vocab calendar the other day. I went around using it to sound like a jerk but then it got fun lol
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It’s pretty awesome. I’ll have to use that word in a jerky way all week too.
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I’m slightly bitter about you not mentioning a certain round table haha. Batman makes me bitter too…but then again, I do like brooding men.
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That is inexcusable to forget the Dark Knights of the Round Table. Of course, I always forget something in my posts. I should have an editor, but they don’t pay me enough to do this blog. And they definitely don’t pay me enough in my real job.
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It might be possible that Batman became bitter because Bruce Wayne was played by so many bad actors and was never billed as a Broadway play. Just sayin’. That just makes me bitter…how pathetic!
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The Batman never made a play? Now that is a reason to be bitter. I mean Spiderman got his own failed play. Why not Batman?
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Batman does seem to be one of the most bitter of superheroes., and he’s one of my favorites. Have you ever seen “Bat Dad”? He’s a good laugh.
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Yes, Bat dad is pretty funny. I see he has some new stuff too. To me, the best part is when he scares his wife and she wants to kill him, but then holds it in for the camera, because she probably knows he wants to pursue his career in YouTubery. I’m guessing as soon as he stops the camera, she beats him bloody.
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Yeah, the wife is a good addition. She always looked so thrilled (*sarcasm*)!
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You’re bringing bitter back.
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I wish I was but it seems like a losing battle.
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It’s the holidays and people are full of all that false cheer. Just remind them that soon it will be over and then it will just be cold and grim with nothing to look forward to except a really lousy Valentine’s Day!
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Yes, the bitterest time of the year! January – March. The dark, bitter gloomy months. I can’t wait!
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I’m looking forward to them myself!
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The bitter is coming (like the winter, but even colder.)
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Yeah, well here in L.A. the winter’s aren’t too cold! That doesn’t leave me too much to be bitter about which makes me bitter so I guess it all evens out in the end.
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And when you do get bad weather, like rain, you guys all freak the freak out. And that is funny to the rest of us.
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Well, I’m originally from NY so I think it’s funny too!
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That’s funny. I was born in CA, lived there til I was 6, then moved to NY, then South Dakota. I know cold, warm and in between (Seattle).
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