This last Saturday, I was convinced that I was the only person in the tri-state area(Washington, Canada, and Portland) that thought that I would be able to walk in at 9:00 am(or a little after) for the 9 am doorbuster to a get the new Call of Duty game I only kinda wanted for $19.99 at the Microsoft Store. When I showed up and was greeted by the
doofus dude in the red Microsoft shirt telling me that in order to get the special price on the game, I would have needed to be have been there at 8 am, I raised my fists to the air and said, “NOOOOOOOO!” Not that I cared that much about the game, or even that the price now was too prohibitive. It was the fact that I needed to be there for 9 am doorbuster at 8:00 am. Screw you, doorbuster for not being good at telling time. If you want me to show up at 8 am you print that on the ad. Besides, I could clearly see stacks of the game right behind him. “Well, you can get the all day price of $29.99 though.” Yeah, I could have done that online at home. The reason why I got up at 9:00 am was to get the $19.99 price, you letter of the law, waste of a red shirt, too excitable at 9:00 am on a Saturday, piece of Microsoft Zune.
There are too many people in the world like this Red Shirt at Microsoft. The energy drinks, spiked with mocha latte, drizzled with uppers and caffeine. There is far too much extreme eggs with Red Hot Chili Choptle Jalepeno Merange sauce. Far too many Extreme Cooking Housewives of MTV County Survival Cupcake War of the Century of the Week shows. Far too many Epic Movie Explosion Hunger Game Horror VioRomanticom Kidellin Induced Sugar Coma movies. Far too many Skatejetted Lamborcedes InstaFueled SuperSkurfboarding MegaSkiYacht HydroPlane RazorSkooter Bikeatrons.
There is too much energy. Even when we go on vacation, we think we have to rush around the Hawaiian island like our swimming shorts are on fire. If we don’t cram adrenaline into every second we are on the island, we and Facebook, Instagram, MySpace, WordPress, and Amazing Race will ever accept us back. Don’t get me started on all the things people want us to do at work every day. Reports meticulously done that no one ever reads, orders that are screwed up for items that will be used once then crammed in the closet, status updates that will be ignored the minute before they are even sent, paper taken straight from the tree so we can write something useless, so we can put in the recycle bin, so they can be “recycled” for something else useless to be “recycled” again.
We need to start being way more lazy with the energy that we have. Let’s start not only being lazy on vacation, where we are supposed to be lazy, but at work. Slack off the “important tasks” like answering an urgent email that someone would have somehow been able to do themselves had you been sick or on vacation that day. Take a nap for an extra 20 minutes after your lunch or break, because some customers urgent order would get out the same day if it was entered urgently at 9 am or just as urgently 2:30 pm the same day. Do one less credit, file one less paper, make one less cookie, spread 15% less cheer, attend 1 less useless meeting.
For some people, that might sound like an impossible task. I feel totally bad for you(not really), but I have a solution for you. It will cost you money, but it is like 50% worth it, so roll the dice, crazy person. I have a bitter tasting new product called Bendrenaline. It is habit forming, has all kinds of side effects(and front effects because that is the point) and will help give you that boost of laziness you need right at the time when you need to be lazy the least. It will help you form new enemies at work, at school or in the public. It will help you lose that pesky file, that urgent note, that so unnecessary job you have. It will help move you from productive member of society, to utterly useless in a matter of minutes. It will help you go from polite, warm smiling guy or girl to bad mannered, whiner-slacker in a matter of a few minutes. People are tired of you being on time, productive, dependable and happy all the time. Become like the rest of us. Do things that will help you be an outcast just like the rest of us. Stop fitting in. I assure you, your holiday season will be much more angry and bitter just like the rest of ours if you just try some Bendrenaline. Because every one is doing it. Just try it once. No one will ever know. It’s only highly addictive. Become your least self, your teenager that just “Can’t even”. Take Bendrenaline.
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH or after Bendreneline argh
Bitter Lethargic Ben