Winning the Complaining Game

I'll take number 1 please.

I’ll take number 1 please.

Some people think that America’s pastime is baseball, lacrosse, or barbequing on the Fourth of July.  Sure, those things are all pretty American, but those things on occupy our time when we have leisure time.  I don’t know about you, but I spend most of my time at work dreaming about leisure time, that other things are getting in the way of.  America’s real past time is complaining. Since I am a world renown expert on complaining, I am here to offer you tips on how to be better at it.  (FYI, you can try, but will fail if you go up against me.)

Pounce on them now!

Pounce on them now!

Start early.  Most of you aren’t morning people and can barely mutter a word before 8 am without the aid of caffiene.  You can use your weirdest, lamest or stupidest complaint ever, but if you use your ammo when they are sleepy, they don’t stand a chance of competing.  This is the time to launch your weakest stuff.

 

Guess what? Nobody cares that your city is flooding.

Guess what? Nobody cares that your city is flooding.

 

Don’t ever use the weather.  Nobody cares about the weather.  It raining, its poring, that complaining is boring.  If you are complaining to people in your workplace, they are experiencing the same crap you are.  You are on an equal plane.  And if you are complaining about weather with someone in another area, they can just come back and say, “Well you chose to live there, idiot. You knew what you were getting into when you moved there.”

Start with your small violin complaints then move upward.

Start with your small violin complaints then move upward.

Start small.  As I said above in the Start Early section, use your weak stuff in the morning and build from there.  Usually your complaining opponents will blow it and vomit their big complaints early.  Keep your trump card for late in the afternoon when someone tries to say how miserable of a day they are having.  Play that card just as they are about to win.

Switch it up. Most people are pretty good about complaining about what is going on right now at the very moment(work, party, home, etc).  Just when that complaining can’t get any more boring, switch to a different kind of complaining that will drive others crazy with envy.

Practice makes bitterness.  Take any opportunity to complain.  Do it at work, do it at home, do it to your barista, to your co-workers, or even to you kids.  The more confusing the bitter.  Talk to your wife about the Olympics, your dog about world events, and your co-workers about sports.  This will give you all kinds of experience in even the roughest conditions.

Annndd, I have a call now.

Annndd, I have a call now.

Put down the Boom. When there is an especially heated battle, bring out your trump card, then find a way to get out of the situation.  For instance, talk about how you just found out that your mom was diagnosed with a cold, then take a phone call.  Even if they had something bigger, they couldn’t respond fast enough and by the time your phone call is over, their momentum is stalled, the subject is changed, or they get a phone call and all anyone will be able to remember was what a martyr you were.

 

Now that is a crappy job.

Now that is a crappy job.

 

Have a terrible job. This will give you all kinds of material from which to mine.  It will also give you all kinds of leverage in almost any argument.  And you can always say “Do you want to switch jobs?”  They will cower in fear of that remark every time.

These are just a few tips on how you can win your complain game every day.  One last pep talk.  Give up.  Live the miserable life you were meant to live.  Just remember, the more miserable your life is, the better the chances you will have in winning this game.  So get out there and don’t live.  Be miserable.  Do your least.  Give up.  Stew and get angry.  They can never take that away from you, even if you want them to.  Take lemons and make them into to really bitter lemon juice with no sugar.

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Complaining Champion Ben

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79 thoughts on “Winning the Complaining Game

  1. These are all excellent tips, but one my favorite types of complaining is complaining about other people’s complaining. Here’s how it works: my boyfriend complains about someone else’s driving, I start to complain to him about his complaining. Passive aggressive remarks and bitterness ensue.

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  2. Pingback: In case you missed it…because you were watching some award losing movies | Ben's Bitter Blog

  3. I loved the part about not-morning people. I can be a morning person after I’ve woken up, brushed my teeth, and made it down to the kitchen in one piece, but before that, you don’t even want to talk to me. My dad helps me get ready in the morning, and one day a few weeks ago he came into my room and was very talkative and kept changing the subject, mid sentence, and he finally asked me a question, and the only reply I could manage was (in an extremely whiney voice) “You’re talking too much.”

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  4. I feel I must join this club. After all, I am sure I was born complaining. I’m sure my birth was greeted with my loud protest, “What the HELL? Cut that light, will ya, doc? PUT ME BACK!” So if that alone is qualifier enough to run with this crowd, I hope there’s room for this belly-acher!

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  5. Could you offer any advice for when people tell you to quit whining? This usually happens, not because you didn’t bring your A game, but because people do not bother to listen. In fact, you could have been mentioning something fairly innocuous, but since they wanted to talk while you were talking, they’ll say you were whining. I complain about this all the time. I suppose I don’t always bring my A game, but with your excellent bitter coaching, I’m sure I can improve. Thank you for this public service. If only we could all share our talents so generously.

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      • Ooh, and then I could complain about how the text exacerbated my disastrous life, or that I have seen something REALLY bitter by staring into space (as I usually do). Excellent advice. Thanks. Uh, or should I have ignored your comment? These situations are so difficult.

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        • Staring into space is usually the best way at getting people to stop talking to you. Mumbling about a text is not only a good idea, but they would have no way of knowing that I was just a text from T-mobile that you are over your data for the month or an angry text from the President.

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  6. Weathering weather complaints is the hardest. We all went through the same nonsense to get to our destination and unless we’ve got plane tickets for someplace else in the near future we all have to go out and back in the same weather for the forseeable future. People are always asking…”what’s the weather supposed to be like on this or that day?” Do you think ANYONE really knows? The “forecasters” don’t. If you want a job where you can be wrong consistently and stay employed, get those resumes in to the Weather Channel.

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  7. This is my tippy-top favorite of all the posts of yours so far. The carefully bitter planning…I like it. You’ve really DONE that phone move, haven’t you? With this Gripe Guide, you’ve set the bar at a new depth for all we Danny- and Debbie-Downer wanna-bes out here. I bow to you, sir.

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