Some people think that America’s pastime is baseball, lacrosse, or barbequing on the Fourth of July. Sure, those things are all pretty American, but those things on occupy our time when we have leisure time. I don’t know about you, but I spend most of my time at work dreaming about leisure time, that other things are getting in the way of. America’s real past time is complaining. Since I am a world renown expert on complaining, I am here to offer you tips on how to be better at it. (FYI, you can try, but will fail if you go up against me.)
Start early. Most of you aren’t morning people and can barely mutter a word before 8 am without the aid of caffiene. You can use your weirdest, lamest or stupidest complaint ever, but if you use your ammo when they are sleepy, they don’t stand a chance of competing. This is the time to launch your weakest stuff.
Don’t ever use the weather. Nobody cares about the weather. It raining, its poring, that complaining is boring. If you are complaining to people in your workplace, they are experiencing the same crap you are. You are on an equal plane. And if you are complaining about weather with someone in another area, they can just come back and say, “Well you chose to live there, idiot. You knew what you were getting into when you moved there.”
Start small. As I said above in the Start Early section, use your weak stuff in the morning and build from there. Usually your complaining opponents will blow it and vomit their big complaints early. Keep your trump card for late in the afternoon when someone tries to say how miserable of a day they are having. Play that card just as they are about to win.
Switch it up. Most people are pretty good about complaining about what is going on right now at the very moment(work, party, home, etc). Just when that complaining can’t get any more boring, switch to a different kind of complaining that will drive others crazy with envy.
Practice makes bitterness. Take any opportunity to complain. Do it at work, do it at home, do it to your barista, to your co-workers, or even to you kids. The more confusing the bitter. Talk to your wife about the Olympics, your dog about world events, and your co-workers about sports. This will give you all kinds of experience in even the roughest conditions.
Put down the Boom. When there is an especially heated battle, bring out your trump card, then find a way to get out of the situation. For instance, talk about how you just found out that your mom was diagnosed with a cold, then take a phone call. Even if they had something bigger, they couldn’t respond fast enough and by the time your phone call is over, their momentum is stalled, the subject is changed, or they get a phone call and all anyone will be able to remember was what a martyr you were.
Have a terrible job. This will give you all kinds of material from which to mine. It will also give you all kinds of leverage in almost any argument. And you can always say “Do you want to switch jobs?” They will cower in fear of that remark every time.
These are just a few tips on how you can win your complain game every day. One last pep talk. Give up. Live the miserable life you were meant to live. Just remember, the more miserable your life is, the better the chances you will have in winning this game. So get out there and don’t live. Be miserable. Do your least. Give up. Stew and get angry. They can never take that away from you, even if you want them to. Take lemons and make them into to really bitter lemon juice with no sugar.
Bitter Complaining Champion Ben