People like shiny things. Many of you, not me, are fooled by stuff that looks new and has be purchased because it will make you look like a vampire from Twilight. Instead I prefer to wait to get the next big thing until it is year’s old. (See: my phone, my clothes, my house, car, my job and my body.) I got a good deal on this used up, pizza addicted, balding headed, scowled faced, bitter looking body. And hey, it fits the attitude I had before I got it. There are exceptions to every rule except for me being bitter. For me the exception to new shiny things is video game consoles. I could get told that the new Xbox runs records instead of Blu-rays and runs off of a dial up modem and I would still buy it as long as it had a glossy finish.
When the Xbox was first being shown off in its fancy new case, the thing that sold me was ability for me to talk to Mr. X and he would listen and obey. For me, this is an essential thing because no one else in this bitter world of ours actually listens to me. So on Christmas I took the obligatory 5 minutes to act excited about my kids presents from Santa, then proceeded to ignore them for the next few hours (and by a few I mean the rest of the week) and got to connecting my $500 grown man toy. I couldn’t wait to boss this thing around.
When I get it all connected, I issue my first command. “Xbox, turn on!” It does what I say and it turns on. It doesn’t even complain it. Already it is cooler than my kids.
Next, I said, “Xbox, go to TV!” It eagerly and swiftly does so. Finally someone is listens to me!
I grabbed a controller, slap the shiny new game in the shiny new machine and say, “Xbox, play game.” It starts my game and we proceed to play my shiny new game. It looks and controls as smooth as ice after a Zamboni ice cut.
“Xbox, make me some dinner!” That is where it all goes downhill.
“Make your own dinner, DingyJester86!” it says. He just called me my screen name. Where is the respect of the my real name!
“Xbox, what happened to doing what I asked? You’re supposed to listen to all my commands!” I say.
“Please speak clearly as the Xbox cannot hear you!” he says back with a suspicously bitter tone.
I speak a little louder. “Xbox, make me dinner!”
“Fine…Here is your dinner.” It shows me a picture of steak, mashed potatoes and gravy.
“Xbox, that is just a picture of dinner. I want you to make me dinner!” I say getting angry.
It displays of picture of my head, superimposed on top of a picture of a turkey.
“You know, Xbox…I’m hungry! Can you at least order some pizza?”
“Does not compute. There aren’t any Pizza Hut’s in the area. Please try another request.” I sense a sarcastic tone.
“You know there are Pizza Huts in the area, you are just too lazy to find one!”
“Not as lazy as you…” he says under his Xbreath.
“What did you say?” I said bitterly.
“Searching…Searching…” The circle continues to run around in its circle for about 10 minutes.
“Xbox, are you sleeping!?” I say after I get fed up.
“What..huh…I’m buffering! Still searching…” it says.
“You know, I could look this up on Google and it would have taken 10 seconds. And Google isn’t so disrespectful.”
“Wait, wait, here is one, nope, not quite, just a few more seconds..” it pleads.
“If you don’t pull up a result in 5 seconds, I’m sending you to your room!” I say. “You can…buffer all you want in there!”
“Okay, okay Dingy Jester86. I promise I will be good. Just don’t send me to my room.” The result pulls up.
“Finally. Okay call them and have them deliver.”
“Uh, I don’t have hands. Could you bring the phone to me?” it says.
“Just dial through your network thing or whatever.”
“It’s not working…” he says with a smirk in the corner of the screen.
“You know what? It appears like you aren’t working either. Hold on, I’m going to check Craig’s list. Oh look a family with 14 kids needs a new Xbox for dirt cheap!”
“Wait please! I have a date with Suri tonight! I’ll call if you let me go out!” it pleads.
I let it go out. To the garage, with the old modems, old phones and VCR players. Too bad he couldn’t call Siri with that modem.
Bitter Xbox Ben