This is the time of year I dread. People are dressed up in costumes, offices are doing their best to immitate living in an overgrown batcave, and worst of all people are being encouraged to eat differently than other times of the year. That’s right, October is the month we celebrate World Vegetarian’s Day(at least you do). It was a nightmare trying to find a good hamburger that day with all the vegetarians out, giving me semi-passive aggressive stares as I entered Burger King. You can breathe a sigh of relief though, as I made it through the drive through without being mobbed by really hungry, yet in shape vegetarians. Thank goodness that bitter holiday passed, so we can now concentrate on less scary holidays like Halloween. Every year, World Vegetarian Day is a scary day for me, but it helps me reflect on things that bring bitter shivers down my spine.
Hair. I got a hair in my food. If there is anything in this world that causes a delicious one pound burger to go in the trash, it is a hair. If I was a superbitter villain like I always dreamed of becoming, hair would be my kryptonite. I can’t sit behind someone that has a sweater with a loose hair clinging to it and not reach out and pull that hair off, stomp it into the ground and burn it fast enough. Hair should be banned from being anywhere near food, my face, my nose, or my back. I am going to march on Washington and protest in front of Congress until they ban hair from being anywhere near me. No wonder people are so afraid of Sasquatch. Have you seen his mane? Hair is so scary, that I don’t think anyone should even to be allowed to have the name Harry. You are on notice, J.K. Rowling. If you don’t rename your book Harold Potter, I am not going to read the books for the seventh time, or watch the Harold Potter Marathon again this weekend.
Stairs. I had to walk up one yesterday and it was terrifying. I was short of breath, my knees were aching, and my face was flushed from having to make the sudden change in elevation. Remember when Ace Ventura of Ace Ventura When Nature Calls, was climbing the rope between two mountains? Remember the terror and dizziness you felt when you there with him on the rope, knowing that one slip would cause you imminent doom? This was nothing like that. It was way worse. The whole time I was climbing the stair I kept thinking, what if I fall? How humiliating would that have been for me in front of no one because my wife and kids were asleep and it was dark, but that would have been really scary if it had caused them to stir a little bit. How about if I had snagged a toe nail? Or spilled water all over the carpet? Yes, a complete nightmare.
Bread. The most essential thing in my life, as shown by the physical I got at my doctor’s once. He broke down my mass into it’s essential elements and I was 5% water and 95% bread. If bread all of sudden disappered from the face of the earth, I would quickly and painfully shrink into a tiny few drops of water. I know that will never happen, because that would be the end of days. Rioting would start. First at grocery stores, then at 7-11, then at the discount day old bread stores. One time I had a nightmare that when I went to make my sandwiches of the day, we only had three pieces left. I woke up in cold sweats, ran to the kitchen, realized there was a whole loaf left, and breathed a sigh of relief.
My couch. One time I got up from my couch to go get a sandwich and when I stood up I couldn’t feel my legs. I started freaking out, but as a Certified Lazyman, I didn’t panic. I took a deep breath, realized what I had done and spoke to myself. “Don’t panic, me, just remember your training. Remember that you are supposed to breathe, remain calm, talk to yourself like a crazy man, and what was the next step?” I forgot, started to panic, started hyperventalating and fell to the ground. “Get a grip, me! What was the acronym for this? BRCTTYLACMLBD! Right! Okay, so Breath, Remain Calm, Talk To Yourself Like A Crazy Man and LBD, what was that again? OH YEAH, Lay Back Down!” I remembered my training! I reached out my arm and with the outstreched tip of my finger, grabbed a part of the couch. I pulled myself toward it, and with the last of my strength did a twist move you only see in Olympic high diving or the Matrix. I landed perfectly on my back, and comfort was restored. I know that I will never be able to replicate that move again, but for me, in that moment, I know I needed it. And because of it, I was able to overcome the scariness of being away from my couch.
Most of you will never have to encounter such scary things in your life. I actually WOULD wish these things on my Bitterest Enemies. And possibly my Bitter Friends too. The lesson here is that they can be overcome, but not by you. Only me. Overcome your own scariness. Or don’t. I don’t really care.
Arrrrgggghhhhh
Bitter “Scary” Ben
Related articles
- Early Friday Halloween Picture Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter Stuff You’re Glad you missed… (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Happy World Vegetarian Day! (treehugger.com)
Pingback: Bitter Things that Won’t Go Away | Ben's Bitter Blog
Pingback: Exercise Bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog
thanks, ben, for this refreshingly terrifying post. if you’re afraid of hair, you might want to move to korea, where body hair is much prevalent than it is in the west, although most young korean women have long hair (which I happen to like–sorry). i know what you mean about trying to leave the couch–dangerous! thanks also for liking my most recent blog piece. i hope you find my work as entertaining as i do yours.
LikeLike
I really don’t think I want to move closer to hair thanks. But if enjoy your long hair if you want it.
LikeLike
The only thing scarier than getting off of the couch is getting out of bed.
LikeLike
Unless your bed is the couch. Or your couch is the bed.
LikeLike
Pingback: If you missed bitterness this week, your aim was a little off | Ben's Bitter Blog
Did you know the wheat content in bread has protein in it – ergo is good for you?
LikeLike
Sounds goo to me. Besides it was one of the first foods, so they can just chill.
LikeLike
just sayin’ – you won’t find a hair on a carrot stick – nowhere to hide, unlike your burger
LikeLike
Why would I put a carrot stick on my hamburger? A piece of cheese tastes bitter.
LikeLike
The closest you’ll ever come to being a vegetarian is being a couch potato. 🙂
LikeLike
I thought potatoes had meat in them.
LikeLike
Only if you sprinkled them with bacon bits. 🙂
LikeLike
Or put whole strips of them on the potato.
LikeLike
After I finally stop laughing at the picture of Nicholas Cage, perhaps I will get something done this morning. Haha. I would like to point out that it probably isn’t a good idea to tell the world what your kryptonite is, so soon after becoming a member of a super-evil organization. Heroes and good guys could be reading too, you know. And other villains, who will most certainly exploit your weaknesses and fears against you (and be encouraged to do so).
LikeLike
You know that it is an evil guy trait to monologue about your weakness so the hero has time to foil your plans. But you will never do that because are the leader of Chaos.
LikeLike
Alll thaat ggrreeatt stufff tto ccoommment oon and thee kkeybbooard is actingg upp.. how bitter iss that!!! stooopud ccommpuuter.. veery bbiiteeer nnow. muustt geet oofff ccouch to geet bbreaaad, maayoo annnd chilii cheesee dog…arrggghhhh….seee thaat ccame out perfecltty! Arrrgghhhh….
LikeLike
Arrrrggghhhh is right. I guess you will have to do a post on Bitter acting up keyboards.
LikeLike
My uptight boss is ruining Halloween by throwing a medieval themed party instead of the usual free for all. I am going dressed as the plague. Bitter enough for you?
LikeLike
Absolutely. That bitterness makes my soul darken. Thanks for that.
LikeLike
Bitterly friggin hilarious and I’m with you on the ‘hair’, ewwwwwww, it has happened. I could be absolutely starving and first bite, if I find a hair, it’s over, done, kaput, total loss of appetite, even if it’s my own! A bitter way to diet!
LikeLike
It’s not a diet for me. I just get another burger, ice cream sandwich or steak.
LikeLike
You crack me up! Thanks for the laughs……even though you are so bitter! 🙂
LikeLike
And bitter I shall remain.
LikeLike
Ew. You just reminded me of the human hair pillow in Silence of the Lambs. And now I will forever associate meat, hair and bread, so I’m bitter.
LikeLike
I’m not the one that made you watch that movie, just pointed out how bitter hair makes me.
LikeLike
You are the one that reminded me.. and you are the one who keeps luring me back to your bitter blog with your bitter cleverness…
LikeLike
You know I was about to sign up for you clothing contest when I realized that it was female stuff. So bitter.
LikeLike
Okay, I love this one! I sooo get the hair in the food, gross! Now if I could only get it off my back…
LikeLike
I hear waxing works for that. Getting it off my back, would be a little harder.
LikeLike
Bread soothes the bitter soul.
LikeLike
My soul will always be bitter. Bread just helps fill out the rest.
LikeLike
And muffle the bitter screams of said soul.
LikeLike
Mostly to muffle the screams of others who see the soul.
LikeLike
I now understand the alarmingly non-bitter tone of your comment on my blog earlier. You’d apparently poured all your bitterness into this. And understandably…hair? Seriously, disgusting.
LikeLike
Hair is disgusting. Is that why women have such a love/hate with their hair?
LikeLike
The comment about shriveling down to a few drops of water just made me *guffaw* and I rarely *guffaw*
LikeLike
Well, your was a chortle and I never chortle. Thanks a lot for ruining that for me forever.
LikeLike
Hair! World Vegetarian’s Day! 95% bread! No worries though, your bitterness is only slightly exceeded by your hilarity. Hats off.
LikeLike
I would take my hat off but then there would be all kinds of lost hairs and I would be really grossed out.
LikeLike
Isn’t it bizarre how hair, one of the prettiest features of many people, becomes disgusting if it in food. He inverse is true, appealing food looks gross in hair. Pizza cheese that drips into a beard, for example.
LikeLike
It may be why I don’t like cats or beards or Harry Connick Junior.
LikeLike
I can tell you must really hate a hair in your dish–an’ who doesn’t–because as a man composed mostly of Bread, twas a dangerous thing for you to toss away!!
funny as ever, o Bitter One. You are top-tier humorous!! 🙂 🙂
LikeLike
If the government cared about us at all, they would ban hair or at least provide us health care against stray hair.
LikeLike
The thing about your posts is that just one line of bitterness will trigger so much bitterness in me that I had not been dwelling on, like last weekend going to Elevation Burger and when I asked about the double patty, the cashier said he was vegetarian. !! I asked him if he rode here on his bike, but he said no, he had a car that wasn’t even a hybrid. He clearly doesn’t know the vegetarian rules of self-righteousness. Why would he work at a burger place? And that reminded me how pissed I was that they only had fries in olive oil. Where were the onion rings? This is AMERICA! And last night at band practice, a girl told me her secret to losing 40 lbs was no bread and pasta. WTFrick? No bread? That’s like no air. I feel you, Ben.
LikeLike
It is my bitter hope that someday all I need to do is write one line and the whole world turns bitter. Still some way to go, but I’m almost there. Who am I kidding? I’m not even close. And bitter about it.
LikeLike
run and hide, vegetables, if you know what’s good for you!
LikeLike
There is no threat from me. I never touch the stuff.
LikeLike
Kelp would most enjoy if you were to become Superbitter Villan Ben for Halloween.
LikeLike
I will be Superbitter Villain for real soon. I just need to purchase a few Superbitter Villain gadgets and weapons. Fundraiser soon.
LikeLike
I think I bitterly peed my pants.
LikeLike
Go wash up before you report to bitter work or go drive in bitter traffic.
LikeLike
I became so embittered after reading this I sent a telegram to Ant out of Ant and Dec and told him that I sometimes like to pretend I’m him by looking at my reflection in the back of a spoon. That’s how embittered I was! Oh yes.
LikeLike
That is pretty bitter. You may apply to be one of my minions now.
LikeLike
Cheers Ben I shall consider it a bitter-sweet achievement. Enjoying reading your copy btw. Great stuff 🙂
LikeLike
Good luck in your application process.
LikeLike
Absolutely Ben. Looks like I’m gonna need it squire, but at the end of the day the poor working stiff needs a goal in life, no matter how risible and hopelessly out of reach it may be.
LikeLike
I try to set my bar for goals really low so I can fall only mildly short instead of way short.
LikeLike
I’ve never been able to afford a bar. I have to content myself with raising, lowering, or indeed setting, a small, garishly coloured plastic stick that I found lying on the ground…in a pool of dog piss.
Oh yes.
LikeLike
yes stairs are terrifying.also makes your heart beat too fast, that 1 stair and when you fall it’s an expensive day at the hospital.
however i am not afraid of vegetarian day. they should have more than 1 day & give out pumpkin pie.
LikeLike
isn’t there meat in pumpkin pie?
LikeLike
i think that’s mince meat pie, but it isn’t actually meat.
LikeLike
mince meat pumpkin pie. Gross.
LikeLike
those are 2 different pies. i want both .
LikeLike
i’ll take vanilla creme thanks.
LikeLike
that sounds good; what is it
LikeLike
that stuff between oreos.
LikeLike
really ? a pie out of that? and that’s good?
LikeLike
such good pie. ice cream cake too.
LikeLike
ohhhh. how about an oreo ice cream pie. then you get 3 things you love.
LikeLike
i was already there.
LikeLike
lol. you are fast
LikeLike
not really fast anymore. i’m getting old and getting bad knees don’t help.
LikeLike
you are young. maybe your knees would like some icy hot or calcium.
LikeLike
40 isn’t young on most scales. I would like those things yes.
LikeLike
40 is the new 20. i hear that on tv…. pizza & ice cream are calcium,so they are good for your knees & hot chocolate.
LikeLike
I should get going on the ice cream and pizza right away.
LikeLike
you should. but you don’t have to go; have someone bring them to you.
LikeLike
just found out i got freshly pressed. so freaking bitter.
LikeLike
you did. that’s great.. i know you must be bitter er
LikeLike
although it is a nice bump on the stats, it means i will have to deal wth people that have no idea what my sense of humor is like.
LikeLike
do those people exist, people who don’t know your sense of humor?
LikeLike
I think most of the world doesn’t get it.
LikeLike
lol. well then it’s their loss.i think they get it
LikeLike
Most people don’t.
LikeLike
if i can get it, anyone can .
LikeLike
You would think, but I’ve met a lot of people with no sarcasm detectors.
LikeLike
i bet that is scary. do they yell at you?
LikeLike
metaphorically yes.
LikeLike
well you just yell right back at them…metaphorically and metaphysically
LikeLike
I’m not a screamer. Hurts my voice.
LikeLike
me too..just an ice screamer
LikeLike
i scream for carmel.
LikeLike
how about salted carmel or carmel apples? i scream for camels but they never hear me.
LikeLike
It’s cause they are really good at ignoring people.
LikeLike
they are.even if you sit on them,they ignore you & never answer.
LikeLike
and they aren’t even that tasty.
LikeLike
i hope it’s against the law to eat camels
LikeLike
Camels yes, but not carmels.
LikeLike
no never carmels.not kraft carmels
LikeLike
Carmel in Milky Way.
LikeLike
ooh i like carmel in milky way lite…did they quit making that?
LikeLike
So you do like carmel. As long as it is in Milky Way you are okay?
LikeLike
i do. i like carmel cake & milky way
LikeLike
not so bad carmel, huh?
LikeLike
no it’s not bad at all. when i say go night night carmel it listens.
LikeLike
and I don’t so caramel is better than me.
LikeLike
i don’t either so caramel is better than me too…carmel & caramel are the same thing right?
LikeLike
Like Dumb and Dumber.
LikeLike
caramel is caramellier than carmel
LikeLike
That was a great movie.
LikeLike
yes i loved caramel and caramellier.
LikeLike
It made me Snicker.
LikeLike
lol… it didn’t make you – way milky….that was purposeful dyslexia for milky way/
LikeLike
clever use of your dyslexia.
LikeLike
your snicker was cleverer.. it was pay day..i used to eat those when i was little, b/c i was allergic to chocolate.
LikeLike
That really pay dayed off.
LikeLike
lol..i’m re sea d out of reeses
LikeLike
You are definitely by the sea.
LikeLike
i am in the sea with hi C fruit punch. what happened to my last post . there’s no line that i sent it
LikeLike
What post?
LikeLike
one i wrote about the weather. it just disappeared….omg i just looked…see how dumnb they are… early it said it would be 73 every hour today til 5 & 69 at 8 am…..then at 11 it said it would be 75 every hour….NOW it says the high was 81 at 1 pm…????
LikeLike
Are you seeing easterly winds from the west?
LikeLike
yes westerly winds are the best for fishing…east is the least
LikeLike
and northwest is a kardashian baby.
LikeLike
really? they named it northwest? i like to fly eastern airlines.
LikeLike
North is his first name, but Kayne’s last name is West, so he is north west.
LikeLike
i heard that somewhere on tv or something one day.my animal dyslexia has me confused.
LikeLike
You should really watch TV more.
LikeLike
i should b/c 20 hours a day is not enough
LikeLike
I know right? What do you do with the 4 hours you don’t watch TV?
LikeLike
try to sleep when men aren’t taking my floor away & cutting wood & carpet outside my bedroom
LikeLike
They are doing that at 2 am?
LikeLike
8 am..3 days in a row now.will this never end?
LikeLike
I think that same thing about work.
LikeLike
work never ends
LikeLike
I keep hoping it will someday.
LikeLike
oh it will & then you will wish you were there..no just joking last part
LikeLike
Yeah, I will wish I was there playing games while everyone else works.
LikeLike
LOL what will they wish for?
LikeLike
don’t care what my co-workers wish for.
LikeLike
oooohhh .they not your favorite bitter people?….
LikeLike
Nope. They are a big reason why i started to blog. That and other people.
LikeLike
ah i see. did they keep you after church today, for being too bitter or something.
LikeLike
I make bread. Light, fluffy, clean-tasting white bread. In fact, i’m going to go make some right now. Wouldn’t it be much more relaxing if you had the recipe to your BMI and could manufacture it at will? *turns on copier*
LikeLike
If I don’t have some of that bread that you are making soon, I may die a bitter old man. So like most days but dead instead of alive.
LikeLike