This is the time of year I dread. People are dressed up in costumes, offices are doing their best to immitate living in an overgrown batcave, and worst of all people are being encouraged to eat differently than other times of the year. That’s right, October is the month we celebrate World Vegetarian’s Day(at least you do). It was a nightmare trying to find a good hamburger that day with all the vegetarians out, giving me semi-passive aggressive stares as I entered Burger King. You can breathe a sigh of relief though, as I made it through the drive through without being mobbed by really hungry, yet in shape vegetarians. Thank goodness that bitter holiday passed, so we can now concentrate on less scary holidays like Halloween. Every year, World Vegetarian Day is a scary day for me, but it helps me reflect on things that bring bitter shivers down my spine.
Hair. I got a hair in my food. If there is anything in this world that causes a delicious one pound burger to go in the trash, it is a hair. If I was a superbitter villain like I always dreamed of becoming, hair would be my kryptonite. I can’t sit behind someone that has a sweater with a loose hair clinging to it and not reach out and pull that hair off, stomp it into the ground and burn it fast enough. Hair should be banned from being anywhere near food, my face, my nose, or my back. I am going to march on Washington and protest in front of Congress until they ban hair from being anywhere near me. No wonder people are so afraid of Sasquatch. Have you seen his mane? Hair is so scary, that I don’t think anyone should even to be allowed to have the name Harry. You are on notice, J.K. Rowling. If you don’t rename your book Harold Potter, I am not going to read the books for the seventh time, or watch the Harold Potter Marathon again this weekend.
Stairs. I had to walk up one yesterday and it was terrifying. I was short of breath, my knees were aching, and my face was flushed from having to make the sudden change in elevation. Remember when Ace Ventura of Ace Ventura When Nature Calls, was climbing the rope between two mountains? Remember the terror and dizziness you felt when you there with him on the rope, knowing that one slip would cause you imminent doom? This was nothing like that. It was way worse. The whole time I was climbing the stair I kept thinking, what if I fall? How humiliating would that have been for me in front of no one because my wife and kids were asleep and it was dark, but that would have been really scary if it had caused them to stir a little bit. How about if I had snagged a toe nail? Or spilled water all over the carpet? Yes, a complete nightmare.
Bread. The most essential thing in my life, as shown by the physical I got at my doctor’s once. He broke down my mass into it’s essential elements and I was 5% water and 95% bread. If bread all of sudden disappered from the face of the earth, I would quickly and painfully shrink into a tiny few drops of water. I know that will never happen, because that would be the end of days. Rioting would start. First at grocery stores, then at 7-11, then at the discount day old bread stores. One time I had a nightmare that when I went to make my sandwiches of the day, we only had three pieces left. I woke up in cold sweats, ran to the kitchen, realized there was a whole loaf left, and breathed a sigh of relief.
My couch. One time I got up from my couch to go get a sandwich and when I stood up I couldn’t feel my legs. I started freaking out, but as a Certified Lazyman, I didn’t panic. I took a deep breath, realized what I had done and spoke to myself. “Don’t panic, me, just remember your training. Remember that you are supposed to breathe, remain calm, talk to yourself like a crazy man, and what was the next step?” I forgot, started to panic, started hyperventalating and fell to the ground. “Get a grip, me! What was the acronym for this? BRCTTYLACMLBD! Right! Okay, so Breath, Remain Calm, Talk To Yourself Like A Crazy Man and LBD, what was that again? OH YEAH, Lay Back Down!” I remembered my training! I reached out my arm and with the outstreched tip of my finger, grabbed a part of the couch. I pulled myself toward it, and with the last of my strength did a twist move you only see in Olympic high diving or the Matrix. I landed perfectly on my back, and comfort was restored. I know that I will never be able to replicate that move again, but for me, in that moment, I know I needed it. And because of it, I was able to overcome the scariness of being away from my couch.
Most of you will never have to encounter such scary things in your life. I actually WOULD wish these things on my Bitterest Enemies. And possibly my Bitter Friends too. The lesson here is that they can be overcome, but not by you. Only me. Overcome your own scariness. Or don’t. I don’t really care.
Bitter “Scary” Ben
- Early Friday Halloween Picture Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter Stuff You’re Glad you missed… (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Happy World Vegetarian Day! (treehugger.com)