Bitter Quote of the Week – Shakespear

So that is how you fit inside a heart.  You find the lost puzzle pieces.  Mine are all dusty and under the couch and I'm just too lazy to pick them up.

So that is how you fit inside a heart. You find the lost puzzle pieces. Mine are all dusty and under the couch and I’m just too lazy to pick them up.

“Love me or hate me, both are in my favor…If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart…If you hate me, I’ll always be in your mind.” Shakespear

I think this guy is famous for some play that he was in once so he gets quotes and stuff.  I find this quote quite advantageous as long as you replace a few words.  Be bitter about me or don’t be bitter about me, that is the question…uh both are in my favor.  That has been the great thing about bitterness and blogging.  If you hate my blog, I will be bitter about you, your family, your dog and cat, your gerbil(or hamster), each of your elementary schools, middle schools (or junior high), your high school, your junior college, your bachelor’s degree college, your master’s and doctorates(medical or legal) your job and career and also your online profiles(social, dating, or business).  Bitterness will come from the core of the earth and bubble up like lava underneath a volcano and erupt, then come sliding down the mountain of bitterness to destroy your homes as you sit quietly playing Monopoly with your family.  Metaphorically speaking.

Alright, listen up, people. A bad comment has been on Ben's Bitter Blog for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive's name is BitterBloggerhater . Go get him.

Alright, listen up, people. A bad comment has been on Ben’s Bitter Blog for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive’s name is BitterBloggerhater . Go get him.

But, on the other hand, to paraphrase what this Shakespear guy says, if you like, comment, or follow my blog then it is like angels are ascending from heaven to bestow the almighty gift of happiness, joy and pure and utter unadulterated glee.  Tabernacle choirs will rejoice loudly, light will shine brightly, smiles will widen, pats on the back will be extended, video cameras will descend,  cameras will pop and flash, and rage will come from me because, the angels are flying too fast causing too heavy of a gale force wind, the gift of happiness, joy and pure unadulterated glee was non returnable and not even on sale, the choir was way too loud, the light too bright so as to almost cause blindness, the wide smiles will show me too much tooth decay and yellowing, pats on the back will cause too much back pain, video cameras will invade my private breakfast, and the cameras will cause near blindness with their flashing.  Metaphorically annoying the heck out of me and causing more bitterness.

Alright, listen up, people. A bad comment has been on Ben's Bitter Blog for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive's name is BitterBloggerhater . Go get him.

Alright, listen up, lovlies. A nice comment has been on Ben’s Bitter Blog for ninety minutes. Average flight speed of human barring injuries is 600 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of 800 miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive’s name is Niceblogger2000 . Go get him or her.

The third option of apathy, will bring crickets, hipsters, Tommy Lee Jones, Grumpy Cat and Mckayla Maroney .  Crickets make that annoying sound, hipsters claiming that they liked my blog before it was cool and TLG, GC and MM not being impressed.  Bitter, Bitter and more bitter.

Not impressed.

Not impressed.

Nice quote, Shakespear.  Maybe do something famous before you try to say some clever thing.

Arrrggghhhh

Bitter Ben

All images courtesy of Google

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47 thoughts on “Bitter Quote of the Week – Shakespear

  1. Ok, I am going to ask the question. Bitter Ben, “Did you leave off the “e” in Shakespeare’s name because you are Bitter? If so, I love it and I am going to start leaving letters off of words as a tribute to your bitterness and mine. Hav a nic da.

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  6. This post reminds me of a page-a-day calendar I once had that was composed entirely of insults from Shakespeare (which made it rather difficult to use as a calendar, in the absence of things like months and day numbers). To my knowledge, they only made that calendar for that one year, which I was very bitter about; but then it’s not like Shakespeare is producing much new material these days. Meanwhile, you might get a kick out of his plays Richard II and Coriolannus, both of whose title characters had so much to be bitter about….

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  7. I’m totally going to be even nicer to you now just to reap your bitterness because it’s Harvest Time.

    P.s. This is such an awesome and inspiring and inspirational and kind and wonderful blog post!! Keep up the great happy work!!

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  8. With captions like those, I believe you could be a screenwriter for action films. Girl’s heads don’t form sentences like that. Yes, I’m a reverse sexist pig. In McKayla’s defense, if you’re not first, you’re last. And last sucks. So I take her apathetic look to be seething rage. Mostly against China.

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    • I actually can’t take credit for those lines. If you remember that is an almost quoted line from the Fugitive. Remember when Harrison Ford escapes? Anyways, I just doctored a few lines and stole it! I am a thief! However, I would like to write for Hollywood action flicks. I would only have to use a few dumb words and off they go!
      I loved the whole McKayla thing when she lost. Especially after those announcers were saying how awesome she was!

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      • You’re not a thief if your audience is too dumb to pick up on the references. On an unrelated note, I was reading on chowhound a bad review about an Austin restaurant called The Bitter End. It was so hateful, so bitter, and I thought of you–double bitterness, like Duran Duran but with bitter squared instead. And I didn’t think of you fondly at all.

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        • I’m glad you don’t think of me or my blog fondly. I think that is the whole point. On a completely related note, I want to go to the restaurant in Austin and teach them what real bitterness is.

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  9. I woke up ths morning not feeling great, because I KNOW that boredom awaits me at every turn. Then, as if by some MIRACLE, Benbitterblog made me laugh my butt off. Are you serious? Who are you?? You are ‘da man ! I feel that anyone who invented “WHINE” should be given a medal, and you Ben “Bitter Mouth” deserve a big shinny Gold medal. (And 14 carat gold, not like the Popes’ ring either, that is ONLY Gold Plated!) Whew… you blew me away. Oh and Shakespeare? HE WAS A NANCY BOY.

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    • I am a giant glowing ball of bitterness that was forged in the center of the earth nearest the roots of bitter plants. By no coincidence at all, I came out slightly bitter. I would like a shiny metal like Wreck it Ralph, but unfortunately it would melt near my earth hottened skin. But thanks anyways. And Shakespeare, who is he anyways?

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  10. is tommy lee wearing an ipad or cell phone, on his jacket ,in a shakespeare play?

    the only thing i know about shakespeare is : my niece was 5 and she asked my brother, who he was and he said “ah that is the question. some think perhaps he was the most
    famous person of all time”. she said ” oh, i thought that was whoopie goldberg”.

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