Backpack Bitterness

Does this backpack make me look fat? What?  Like a dork?  How dare you!

Does this backpack make me look fat? What? Like a dork? How dare you!

I am not a teenager anymore.  I don’t go to school.  I don’t have important things to carry around.  I don’t go on extended hikes in the mountains so I can get lost and find my way out.  Despite the fact that  I am none of those things, I still carry around a backpack.  I know I am a dork for doing so, but at least I am an efficient, bitter dork.  Some people like to carry things with their hands or inside their brains, or in a tiny cell phone.  I am too bitter to do that, so I carry things on the weakest part of my body.  My back.

So why do I carry a backpack?  (Or as my kids call it a packpack).  Because a packpack carries things that I am too lazy to carry myself.  For instance:

Jealousy.  How else can I be jealous of celebrities for getting to order people around while paying them minimum wage, just so they can be in the mere presence of someone who has been in 7 terrible movies and 2 failed TV shows?  How else can I be jealous of someone who makes way more money than me, so they have a house that they will be more in debt for and raise 2 more bratty kids with, and have 2 more high monthly car bills for a car that still break down?  I am jealous of people with more creativity than me.  I mean how creative do you have to be to combine a blanket with a hood and call it a Snuggie? Awesome.  I am jealous of people that have more time than me.  Did you know that some people get 8 days a week and 25 hours a day?  Can you imagine what I would do with all that time?  Couch. Sleep.  Snuggy.

Whoever invented this thing is like the most creative person ever! I am so jealous!

Whoever invented this thing is like the most creative person ever! I am so jealous!

Anger.  Anger is great.  I love arguing with people about things that are so miniscule that by the end of a two hour argument, we both can’t remember why we were fighting.  I love having such a red face that I could  just apply a little more makeup and look like Bozo the Clown.  I love yelling so much that afterwards I’m shaking like a scared Chihuahua.  I love being so angry that my brain is about to burst open.  Those sensations just make me feel alive.

After I yell at people I'm like a shaky Chihuahua.  What isn't fun about that?

After I yell at people I’m like a shaky Chihuahua. What isn’t fun about that?

In another section of my backpack of course I carry bitterness.  There is bitterness for that game that Spurs played back in 2003 that they should have won, but Derek Fisher cheated and made a shot that should have taken 3 seconds but apparently only took .4 seconds.   There is the bitterness I carry towards my parents for not giving me a tragic backstory, a requirment for being driven to suceed at all costs so that I could become wealthy, powerful and mean to mankind(one out three isn’t bad I guess).  There is the bitterness in having to go to Sam’s Club tonight because I got a stupid nail in my rear tire that caused a flat.

In the last section of my backpack, there is a computer, a couple of magazines that have now ceased publication, some old paystubs, an old broken Ipod and an old Thesauraus that I never use because I don’t know what a Thesauraus is.  Maybe I should look it up.  What did you think, that my backpack was just filled with metaphors of emotion?  Weirdos.

What backpack isn't made more useless than having an old Thesaurus?

What backpack isn’t made more useless than having an old Thesaurus?

So actually backpacks are useless, and yet I carry one everywhere.  You never know,  someone might ask me how much sicktime I had in Jan 2013, or what my bitterk, tragic backstory is.  But no one ever asks those things, so I just keep carrying around a thing that gives me back pain.

Makes me bitter.


Bitter Backpack Ben


64 thoughts on “Backpack Bitterness

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  3. Keep the backpack and rock on! Dont go satchel or something like that….With a backpack you actually take more care of your body as the weight is more equally distributed on the back than a satchel that WILL ruin your shoulder forever and ever…I went satchel for a while….EPIC mistake! My shoulder muscles took some serious damage during that satchel month. You may look more….I wanna say retro but in my world the backpack is retro, so I’ll use mainstream instead…. but your body will hate you…whereas a backpack you’ll barely notice is there….


  4. Snuggies are COMPLETELY useless. They are for people who don’t want to hike to the closet and pull out a blanket. (What a strain that would be.) As for hiking, I have gotten lost. The only thing that saved me was dirt bike dudes…I followed the sound and got to the road. Dirt bike riders NEVER get lost. They are too busy following the roads. Thank God I got outta there alive, with my luck, the Donner Party was waiting for me ’round the bend. Cheers ! 🙂


    • I got lost once too. I had to walk all night until I found an abandoned trailer to sleep in. When we woke up, we found a neighbor, used his phone, called the police. I was stuck out there with just shorts, a wintery coat and no socks. My legs got shredded to bits and I was so tired….


  5. I’ve got your pizza right here. In my backpack. No, really, it’s right here on my desk. Must have been mis-delivered. I’d bring it to you but I’m too lazy to carry a backpack further than my car and WAY too lazy to drive to your corner of the world. Mmm. Delicious.
    Lucky me. Bitter you. 😉


  6. I love back packs and think you are cool (bitterly cool) to carry around a pack full of metaphors and emotions. I usually try to carry an extra supply of badassness in mine…in case of a bad-ass emergency. I think a thesaurus might be a dinosaur that feeds on a diet of words, but I should probably look that up… 😀


  7. Your packpack seems equivalent to my purse.. Used to carry things which may or may not be important. Although it is still not too socially acceptable in the western world for males to carry purses, and fanny pacts are stupid, a packpack seems very functional………… I got a pink snuggie a few years ago for christmas. best gift EVER… Until I got my electric heated blanket.


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