I love advice. I can’t wait to hear it, swish it around like a fine glass of water, let it sink deep down into my soul, allow it to be knocked around inside my head, then ignore it completely. So please give it to me. I want all the advices. Let me know all about what you think I should do. Tell me what I should eat, what clothes to wear, what job I should slack off on, how to drive from the back seat, and which way to go in a video game. I’ll either go the opposite, 45 degrees to either side, or perhaps even tell you I’m going exactly the way you told me, and zig and zag somewhere else. Other the other hand, when it comes to giving out advice, I’m a legendary, all time world class dispenser of bad advice that somehow people listen to. As for now, I will be dispensing advice about how you can get other people to annoy you. Here are ways that you can get other people asking you the stupidest questions ever.
Wear a costume in public on a day that isn’t Halloween – I know this because as you might have read, this last weekend I attended a murder mystery party and I dressed up as an old west bartender. For some reason we had to get the world’s most expensive and seven layered cake ever called the Motherlode at Claim Jumper’s. And of course, I had to go in and pick it up, and of course it was super busy, and of course it wasn’t ready for 20 minutes. Commence weird looks and stupid questions. Like: Is this where we are supposed to go to get seated? (Don’t know, lady. Don’t have a name tag, so I can’t figure that out.) Or, “Am I crazy or did Halloween end on the 31st of October? My answer: “Yes, you are crazy.”
Carry a gun in public – When I went to Orlando to visit a place that wasn’t infested with talking mice(some people call it Disney World), we went to Universal Studios and as we were on our way out, the Despicable Me store had a gun used by Gru called the fart gun. Normally, I would totally be on board with something like this, but I had been robbed at amusement park point for far too long and getting one more useless thing to carry back with us, was just too much. But I relented because I was too tired to protest. So we packed it into our luggage and forgot about it. As we were leaving the lovely mouse infested city of Orlando, we went through the security line at the airport and got stopped. “Sir, we’re going to need to see you open your luggage.” They discovered a “gun” in our luggage and I was about to use it on the plane to be a fart terrorist.
Win an award – There is nothing bitter than getting an award. Usually it means you did something way better than other people. You know it and they know it, and it was your hard work that got it, yet when you accept the award you have to pretend that it was all these people in your life that helped you achieve your dreams, when in reality we know it was all us. All these other people are in your life, but it was you that did all the work. Otherwise they would have given the award to them.
Play loud music – A car stereo is made to be blasted to level 38. So of course, I need to play it at that level. What other reason would they have put that volume there? Yet for some reason, people think it is okay to give me dirty looks when I blast “It takes Two” by Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock at its highest level. Hey, I’m just trying to share my poor taste in music with everyone. And yet, over and over again, I get the annoying question, “CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN?” and my response is always, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING?”
Get in an accident – When you get in a car accident, glass is flying, metal is being bent and twisted, and smoke is billowing from the engine and the first thing you ask is, “Are you okay?” Really? Come on! How about, “Hey did you learn that maneuver in a movie?” or “How awesome was the spin out after you ran into me?” Some people are just so uncreative when it comes to good questions.
Get injured – Break and arm, or a leg, limp a little or get a little bit of red in your eyes and all of a sudden people think it is free reign on asking you annoying questions. At least they are consistent with the one stupid question, so you can rehearse your story over and over again, or completely embellish your story every time you tell it so by the time the third person asks you were rescuing a litter of kittens from certain death by volcano by hanging upside down for hours while you pulled them up.
Get someone flowers – Nothing gets the thumbs up of females in a hundred mile radius by goofy smile than picking up a dozen wilted flowers from a grocery store. Watch as they speculate and wonder what this fine gentleman did to ruin a poor innocent girl’s life that he had to go get apology flowers for his significant other. What kind of collossal screw up did this idiot do that he would have to get a dozen more of these…and yet the question is “Are those flowers for your Sweety?” “Nope, for a funeral.” Why does the look turn hostile all of sudden?
I know this isn’t an extensive list of things you can do to get stupid questions, but I don’t have all day. I have to get back to doing what I do best. Doing stupid things that bring about stupid questions. But I do have final advice for you. Don’t ever take advice from me. It only leads to bitterness.
Bitter Surefire Ben