The forest is a place full of mystery, wonder and trees.  Lots and lots of trees.  Forests would be awesome if it wasn’t for all the trees.  If you haven’t noticed, especially at this time of year, trees are kind of jerks.  They litter constantly, they are always swaying and scratching and making spooky noises at night, and always knocking over powerlines.  It’s almost as if they want us not to have power.  And if there is ever a place that is spookier to get lost in, it is a forest full of trees.  Well, that is besides, Disneyland with all the screaming and annoying kids.

Continuing the journey of bitterness of the last two weeks, we go now to Epcot where we visited the great big Golf Ball in the Disney sky.

I’m going to get out my Giant Bitter Golf Club and whack the the happiness out of Disney.

Each of the four Disney Parks have a symbol of the park, essentially not only the theme of the park, but also the center of the park. Magic Kingdom is of course the princess castle, Animal Kingdom is a big tree (yes, a tree), Disney Studios(which we will talk about later) is the Magic Hat that Mickey wears in Fantasia, and Epcot’s is a big silver Golf Ball. It made me want to grow to the size of a giant, grab a giant golf club and whack that thing to the other side of Disney. Then maybe I could get some of my bitterness out.

Epcot is basically a schizophrenic; 50% future, 50% the countries of the world and 100% educational. Basically it was Animal Kingdom on 5 hour energy learning. Epcot was the giant golfer of teaching and we were the golf ball students(I am actually more of a goof ball, okay back to the point) getting wacked over the head with the learning.

Speaking of getting whacked on the head, he looks like this because Happy Gilmore(the golf ball whacker guy) whacked him on the head with the Disney Golf Club. If he doesn’t get the tolls changed, it’s gonna get worse.

Schizo area number one was the future. We got to learn about energy with Ellen Degeneres (pre-talk show Ellen) and Bill Nye the science guy. I am pretty bitter about Bill Nye the science guy, not only because he ryhmes his name with his occupation, but because he is the guy in the advertisments in Seattle concerning the tolls on one of our freeways. As you will learn later, tolls make me bitter so by extension, so does Bill Nye. Instead of talking about energy Bill Nye, maybe you should just pay for our freeways so we don’t have to pay tolls. I mean they must have paid you a good sum to make this energy film with Ellen, right?

Gary Sinise. Is this the face of someone we can trust to land us safely on Mars?

We had just enough energy to go on a journey to Mars with that guy from CSI NY, Gary Sinise (thanks for that Google). Gary Sinise is a bad guy in a Mel Gibson movie. If you have the ability to make us cheer in a movie for Mel Gibson, then you are most certainly a bad guy. I don’t care what you do in the future, whether it is to save the citizens of NY from crime scenes or are the command tower guy in this Mars ride, my kids can’t trust you. We definitely can’t trust you to get us safely to Mars. Of course I was right. The mission went wrong and Gary Sinise was sitting there calmly in his ivory tower (or command center) with his sinister grin, telling us that we would be alright as we are crashing into Mars. Let’s just say we aren’t going to invite that dude to my kids birthday parties.

I can’t wait to be king…so I can tell humans how bad they are at the circle of life.

Speaking of bad birthday parties, this park of all the parks in the greater Florida area, had the least amount of rides. Unless you count this building called The Land where we got to do one slow boat ride called Living with the Land, where we got to see plants. That’s right, we got to do a tour of a Disney Greenhouse where they were growing plants. I might have mentioned before that I don’t like paying for things that I could see in my backyard. Maybe it would have been okay if they were mutant plants that talked or Venus flytraps that kidnapped you on a 4D adventures through space, but this was a ride to see a garden. But even better was the Lion King Circle of Life guilt trip show where we got a lecture from Simba about humans destroying the earth and not being a part of the circle of life. We even got our own villanous soundtrack music. It was great.

Let us not forget the second part of Epcot’s schizophrenia. Like I mentioned in my post yesterday, Disney has the magic ability to represent a country in a small space. We got Canada which was represented by a movie and a store that sold hockey jerseys. France was represented by a movie and a store that sold berets. America was represented by a movie and a restaurant that sold hot dogs. China was represented by a movie and a restaurant that sold, yes Chinese food. Luckily we were able to make it all the way to Norway where we would be able to get to go on a Viking Boat Journey, one of the only rides in the whole Showcases of the World. But, the bitter curse would rear its bitter head and after waiting only 20 minutes, we were told the ride was closed down and wouldn’t be available until tommorow. Yeah, no real rides today! Just what roller coaster riding person wants to hear!

How hard would it be to make one of these in XXL?

Luckily we completed the whole country tour and were able to look at some of the souvenir stores for shirts that might be funny, like a Doofenshmirtz shirt from Phineas and Ferb. He is the funniest, gadget creating, evil genius villian in all of cartoondom. If there was anywhere on earth that I would be able to find a funny T-shirt of him it would be right here in a Disney park where Perry the Platypus was featured. And since Disney employees are the happiest, joyfulest, people on earth and it is almost Christmas they would be especially happy to help me right?

Me: “Do you have and Doofenshmirtz shirts in XXL?”

Employee: “No.” and then she walked away.

Me: “Um, wait, uh, do you have any Doofenshmirtz…” Why am I talking anymore? She walked away.

So what did we learn today? My feet are 75% ready to go to the feet graveyard and came back in ghostly form, countries are made real by a 15-30 minute film and Doofenshmirtz only comes in S-XL.

Well, at least we are trying something new tomorrow. We are going to Universal Islands of Adventure. There should be no bitterness tomorrow right…?

ARRRGGGHHH

Bitter Ben