Bitter Problems

Perfect day outside for a stroll.

Perfect day outside for a stroll.

It’s a perfect day outside.  The sun is shining, traffic is light, birds are chirping, welcoming the season of spring gently.  A hard month end is over, so work will be light, co-workers will be happy and customers in a good mood.  Maybe I can even go outside for lunch, get a little sun and relax for an hour.  Perfect right? WRONG! None of those things ever happen! Especially on the same day.  Are you crazy? Some people think that problems are solved.  Those some people are delusional.  Problems never get solved.  They are like the principle of energy.  They can can’t be destroyed or solved, only delayed or transferred.  Don’t believe me?  That’s fine.  I wouldn’t believe me either.  I’m no scientist, just a master of problems.  But I have some anecdotal evidence.  Observe.

Sometimes I just want a light snack.

Sometimes I just want a light snack.

Hunger is a problem right? Not only in countries where there is lack of food or means to pay for it, but everywhere.  No matter how rich or poor you are, eventually you will need some.  For a lot of people, getting food is a matter of walking to your kitchen, finding something that is edible and cramming it in your face cavern.  Sometimes when nothing looks “acceptable” at home there are these places called restaurants, or delicatessens, or grocery stores that sell food for money.  They allow you to purchase with plastic, or paper, or coin a certain amount of food.  Most people like me will take that opportunity to eat as much as the eye wants, but way more than the stomach can hold.  Problem solved right? Wrong.  At the most, it will only delay my “problem” for about 8 hours.  Every single day, my stomach needs food, and my “problem” isn’t solved, but just delayed.

Stupid popcorn.

How can I live this way?

Sure that is only one example.  There are much more serious ones though. How about the world crippling problem of popcorn kernels? My microwave has this button that supposedly cooks microwave popcorn to just the right amount of time to pop ALL the kernels and not to burn them.  But for some reason, and I’ve checked, EVERY time I trust the microwave to do its job, it manages to fail me.  Sometimes it is as many as four, sometimes only one, but always, and I mean always, it manages to screw it up.  One time, it popped everyone, but one of the popcorns was not fully covered in the butter that was required of every piece.  See how much we have to go through with these stupid appliances? Sometimes I think about doing it manually to make sure every kernel pops and every piece thoroughly covered, but then I remember how much work it would be.  Then I stand in exasperation, shaking my fists in the air, screaming at ceiling like there is camera right above my head, and then get really tired and sit down from all that work.

Nooooo!!!!!

Nooooo!!!!!

I keep hoping that somehow my problems will be solved.  Then when I sit down and the news is on and I can’t change the channel, because the remote control is several feet away in plain sight, I breathe out a heavy sigh, and watch bitterly a segment on the news called Get Jesse, the Problem Solvers.  I perk up, thinking this is finally it.  This guy can solve my problems.  He can get me the solutions to all the problems I have so lazily been seeking.

He tells of a person that ordered a product that cost $19.99 that didn’t quite live up to his expectations.  He tried to return the product by calling the toll free number for returns, and had to wait on hold for 30 seconds.  Then when he spoke with the representative on the phone, he found out that indeed he could return the product for the full price, plus shipping, but that he would have to wait two days for a return shipping label to get there.  In addition, he wouldn’t be credited UNTIL THE PRODUCT WAS RETURNED.  This guy was outraged, and immediately called Jesse to get on the case.  Jesse went to the customer service rep and got that microphone and camera in his face.  “WHY DID YOU NOT REFUND THIS GUY’S MONEY RIGHT AWAY?” and “IS THERE SOME SORT OF CONSPIRACY GOING ON AT YOUR COMPANY?”.  Let’s just say Jesse would not back down on this rep.  It got ugly and mean, but eventually Jesse got this guy his $25 back and in the end, which he then went and spent on a Big Mac, fries and a lottery ticket, which didn’t win.  The guy ended up getting mad at Jesse because the ticket didn’t win and I think he was going to sue Jesse, but the segment cut off before we could hear what happened.  Either that or I fell asleep because the segment was sooo boring and I just couldn’t reach the remote control.

Yes Jesse.  That's how little you did for me in solving my problem.

Yes Jesse. That’s how little you did for me in solving my problem.

See what I mean when I say problems just don’t get solved?  Speaking of which, aren’t you just so bitter because reading this post just wasted a whole lot of time and energy and got you in trouble at work?  Let me know in the comments.  I may not be any good at solving problems, but I sure can create them.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Problem Ben

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46 thoughts on “Bitter Problems

  1. Impressive. Only you could roll right past starving peoples–after first raising the topic yourself–and get a laugh out of needing to restock our too-bounteous American guts every 8 hours. You continue to mellow in your bitterness, like the stinkiest of cheeses. (Wait a minute…I continue to hold my nose and laugh? Perhaps should have chosen a better simile. Too late : )

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  2. Pingback: In case you missed it…because you were busy looking at old letters | Ben's Bitter Blog

  3. I love how many well-deserved comments you get on your posts. Another great one (: I apologize, I feel like I should comment much more often on your work. Making a conscious effort. Doesn’t mean I don’t read though!

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  4. hey ben, thanks for liking one of my latest posts. sorry i’m such a slug. i know what you mean about problems; i can identify with your words completely, especially when it comes to health problems (as it always does). buddha said life is suffering. sisyphus never manages to push the boulder over the peak of the mountain. it always rolls back down. i would say “life sucks, then you die” (although in hinduism and buddhism, which preach reincarnation, the saying is “death sucks, then you live”). there’s only one thing i can’t understand: i watched one of the news videos you made with your wife and daughter, and they look like delightful people. how come you so bitter, dawg?

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    • We have a lot of slugs here in Seattle, so I’m used to it. Also used to people being slow. I drive in traffic you see.

      Oh and by the way, those people in that video weren’t my wife and kid. She was just another blogger that collaberated on that video with me. Though my family is delightful, I’m bitter about stuff anyways.

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  5. Are you one of the people who thought Jiffy Pop was definitely not Jiffy? I like popcorn but I think our society cannot seem to invent a good way to prepare it. You do know about all those chemicals in the microwave popcorn, right? And you are properly bitter about it? That being said….you must be fun in a movie theater where you can get free refills on the large tubs (they do that in Seattle right??) thus solving your Hunger and your Butter problems in one fell swoop, err Pop!

    Nice post!

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    • They bitter put butter on my bitter popcorn and refill it or there will be revenge of the highest degree. They will be fed to the pigs, uh I mean me! Then they will be bitter buttered popcorn.

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  6. All of the popped and all of the unpopped kernels cry out, “do not reheat us!”

    And I whisper, “No.” (and also: you don’t control me, packaging! and then: aw man, I burned my popcorn)

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  7. HI Ben, Loved the snail–was that you, by chance? Risky business but fun to watch. Don’t worry, I didn’t waste a lot of time at all–I learned how to skim-read in my trusty public high school many years ago. It’s kind of a challenge to skim, watch the GIF (is that what they’re called?), skim some more–very quick. Must go write a post on my bloggie now. Tata. Have a nice weekend! 🙂

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    • That was me. I moved over to England, made a snail costume, bought a cheap camera, propped it up in a building so I could capture just the right moment, then spent hours editing it for this very blog. I’m dedicated to my bitterness.

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  8. I’ve had the flu for 3 days now…(thanks for noticing) I was getting better until you barraged my immune system with your popcorn kernel issue. It reminded me of my own evil microwave and it’s apparent “inability” to pop corn without leaving a clump of burnt popcorn in the epicenter of the bag. Oh, it’s capable of doing it properly. I’m sure it is just bitter about having to work while the rest of us are having movie night.

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    • Where have you been! What do you have the flu? Too busy to read my blog? How dare you get sick when I have posts that need to be read! I’m pretty tired of your microwave not making my popcorn pop either. I’m gonna need you to look into it. Thanks.

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      • Well,I would have read your blog but I was half dead on the sofa watching a zillion hours of mind numbingly stupid TV. I have about 20 pounds of used tissues and lost a full 3 IQ points as a result. That makes me so bitter. Guess I should have put my reading glasses on, braved the migraine and kept up. At least that would be smarterer.

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    • You want a sammich that Selena Gomez was eating? I want one too.

      As far as gifs go, you just need to go to google, type in gifs, go to one of the many websites and right click and save to whatever folder. Then they are ready for any post, just by typing insert media.

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  9. I would die if I saw that snail crossing the cross walk!! Crazy Snail!!! As for the food issue, there is never enough of it and it doesn’t end up shoved in our mouths soon enough. We have to actually work for it and for that, I too am BITTER! Can’t food just appear in our mouths? Gah!

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  10. I have this problem where I’m at work and I just don’t care enough to do anything productive…. I haven’t found a solution yet so your theory holds strong.

    Also, kudos on the gifs/memes in this post. Just spectacular.

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    • I haven’t cared about doing anything productive at work for years. Unfortunately everyone around me keep wanting me to. I guess I need to make myself less valuable.

      I am now somehow becoming known for doing gifs(probably because I do a post on them every Friday). I guess it is because people don’t want to read a thousand words, they want to watch a 1000 words. Makes sense. A lot of lazy people would rather watch the movie than read the book. (I’m pretty lazy.)

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  11. Microwaves need to invent a better popcorn button that pops the kernels and doesn’t burn them. Nothing makes everyone in your entire house more bitter than the lingering aroma of burned popcorn.

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