So I heard it was your birthday…
It is again that time of year when I get to celebrate all the people asking me stupid questions like, “What are you going to do today?” and “What kind of cake do you want?” and “What presents did you get?” and “How can I annoy you the most today on the day that you want to be annoyed the least?”. “How can I make the day that you used to look forward to be the day you dread the most?”. “What cheesy phrase can I spit out from my arsenal of cheesy phrases that will make you groan the most?” I have several other questions that I just can’t wait to hear, but I’m hoping that you are smart enough to figure out the point by now. If not, I have a super deep hole you can jump in that will help you figure it out quite easily. As you know, I have a lot of things to be bitter about this year, but there’s something about this time of year that makes me want to reveal 41 things that make me bitter. So here goes:
Wow, you are looking so young.
1. Llamas. How is it that they are any different than alpacas? And any animal that is famous for spitting is bitter in my book.
2. Railroad signs.
3. Crowds. Cause other people.
4. Tree buds. Yeah more trees on the way.
5. Empty Pizza Boxes. So pointless!
6. Fone callz. Cause phone calls are bad enough.
7. Clowns.
Surprise…
8. Bags (under my eye).
9. Hair. It is everywhere except where I want it and costs money to remove.
10. Clocks. Cause ain’t nobody got time for that.
11. Flowers. They would be even worse if I were allergic to them.
12. Las Vegas. Cause every casino doesn’t look exactly the same inside.
13. Pictures of Sunsets. How do you know they aren’t sunrises?
14. Pillows on couches. When I have to throw 15 off the couch just to sit down, there might be too many.
15. Fingernails. They only protect the upper part of my fingers.
16. Toenails. They don’t protect my toes at all.
I’ve definitely gotten bigger…
17. Emoji’s. Still not a good one for bitter.
18. Candles. Too much of a middleman.
19. Plates. The splinter’s from them breaking aren’t hurting enough people’s feet.
20. Gloves with cut off fingers. Because why again?
21. Expensive sunglasses. Because I want them, but always lose them.
22. Flat tires. Because I got one at the worst time and I had to change it.
23. Wi-fi. Because it only works when I’m working on Word.
You don’t look old at all….
24. Bottlecaps. Soda blocker.
25. Cords. In order to have cordless things there always needs to be cords. What?
26. Tulips. Shouldn’t one be enough?
27. Sneezing. So I’m not allowed to open my eyes while sneezing just once?
28. Pants. Getting in the way of comfort since they were invented.
29. Skulls. Blocking my idiotic statements from getting out since 1973.
30. Rubik’s Cube. I guess Rubik was tired of trying to figure it out, so he sold his cube to see if someone else could figure it out.
31. Bitcoins. Because fake Monopoly money isn’t enough fake money.
32. Splinters. Who knew something so small could not only burrow itself so deeply into the skin, but irritate so completely.
You’re only 41? Um hmmm….
33. Bowling. Because it is possible for a little kid to beat a grown adult by accident.
34. School. Math? Science? Why?
35. Taffy. So much work to eat.
36. Bologna. Because blogs don’t taste like meat.
37. Scissors. Why can’t I run with them?
38. Lungs. They should store more so I can at least walk up some stairs without breathing heavily.
39. Convenience stores. What is convenient about paying 20 dollars for a hot dog that is spinning on some metal conveyer belt?
40. Facts. Because who needs them when you are in the middle of an argument?
41. Spots. Cause my eyes, and dogs and shirts don’t need them.
Enough of these shenanigans. I’m off to celebrate by getting annoyed by everyone and their stupid questions like, “So what was Moses like?” and “What was there before dirt?” jokes. I can’t wait.
If you need even more reasons to be bitter, check out last year’s 40 reasons to be bitter.
ARRRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Birthday Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
The picture of the men having a snow blower fight is hilarious.
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It reminds me of a long time ago when me and brother did fights like that. I think it was last week….
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A convincing argument for conversion to bitterism … I shall go and contemplate the truth of this by sitting in a sun beam and with a slightly smug smile on my face, the thought of which is my birthday gift to you for an addition to your next birthday list, Smug Hippies? Just a suggestion (you cant prove that i’m not dancing in a rainbow with frolicking lambs when I’m actually watching another repeat of Star Trek (the next gen) with my cheap wine and biscuits) … PS Apparently now its possible to create your own cybercoin … I you could be the first to be the proud owner of a million BitterofBitCoin ??
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Bitter coins sound like a great idea. I think they could be used to buy all the Bitter Merchandise that I probably will never make.
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While the rest of us are bitter that the merchandise has still not been made and even if they had our Bitter coins got lost when the hard drive corrupted And we are bitter about that too ! grrrr grumble
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Reblogged this on GlobeGalaxy.
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There’s so much to be bitter about lol glad this list exists! hope you’re birthday was full of bitter enjoyment and nagging,!
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I got some nagging and some annoying questions and all kinds of bitterness. It was just as I expected.
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happy bitter birthday!
love the bitter list!
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It just doesn’t keep getting better. I keep coming up with new things for next years list.
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Reblogged this on ermayankaggarwal.
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Your post is incredible, can’t wait for more updates
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I just don’t know if I can do anymore after exerting so much effort on this one.
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;/ 😉 :O
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That is a lot of emotions you are displaying there. Do you need a moment?
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I loved this! And your sarcasm is fantastic! 🙂
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I know I can believe what you say too, because you silentlyspeakthetruth.
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Reblogged this on SATYA'S BLOG and commented:
BiTtEr WoRdS.. 🙂
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Candles. Too much of a middle man.
Loved reading this.
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Probably not as much as riding an elephant. Or even taking a nap.
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Having a midlife crisis are you? 🙂
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Ever since I turned 18. I just never knew when it would come.
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#18?
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A middle man between fire and the fire place.
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1 & 25 best!
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Do you think they alpacas get shaved with cordless razors, with wires used to plug in the charger? You might be onto something…
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Gloves with cut off fingers because the world is too lazy to take off their gloves to send a text…
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Now I know why people ruin perfectly average pair of gloves. Perhaps I need to invent a cell phone that warms hands?
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Hahaha loved this post so much!
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Well, it was really hard to do. I had to get help from my daughter on about 40 of them. Good thing she is so smart.
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Hahaha nice!
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She’s nice. The bitter gene skipped right over her.
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Haha haha
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LOL!!!
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Capitalized and everything! And three exclamations! I will definitely need to tell my mom how I got such a compliment.
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=)
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My mom was so proud by the way. She couldn’t believe I got a positive comment from someone.
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I think #40 is my favorite.
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I’m much better at making things up. It also makes winning an argument easier. By the way, I want to learn how to be a villain from your blog.
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Being a villain isn’t hard. Being a GOOD villain is hard. Whelp, you’ll have to ignore anything about magic or superpowers but other than that my blog should probably serve that purpose, too.
It helps if you have a goatee.
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So true. I’ve been not shaving for three days. Does that sound evil enough?
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It does sound pretty evil. But then my current view has been skewed from living in Provo where any sort of scruff earns a glare.
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I was just in Provo 2 weeks ago to see some family. Now that you mention it, when I was down by BYU there were giving off the staring vibe.
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No beards might be a silly rule, but people take it seriously. Just another thing to be bitter about, I guess 😉
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Bitter Beards…hummmm….
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LOL. Happy belated birthday?
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Don’t worry. I usually miss my birthday too.
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Wow! You are a character! 🙂
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Well, thank you very much, Ms. Vee.
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You are most welcome Ben.
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Love it!
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I’m bitter about it!
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Good lord, this was funny! 😀
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Just wait until next year. I plan on doing something really original like 42 Things I’m bitter about. And I plan on reusing most of them because I’m lazy.
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Haha, I feel you there on the lazy part 😛
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Lazy is my signature ability.
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I’ve found my twin 😀 !
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Wait, so I’m an anime character? Sweet! I mean Bitter!
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Haha 🙂 I wish I was an anime character 😛 Anime is so much more awesome than real life!
Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that you actually have a sweet tooth 😉
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Thanks for keeping my secret safe. If I were an anime character I would still be bitter, but I would be superfast and have awesome sword skills.
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No kidding! Except, I’d prefer a giant scythe/gun like Ruby’s (From RWBY)
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Or anyone from Final Fantasy.
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Yeah, Final Fantasy is pretty cool, too 😀
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One of the all time greats.
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Yep 🙂
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My biggest bitterest birthday tradition is the blowing out of candles on the full cake. Isn’t that contaminating the entire thing? Of course, it’s great incentive to skip dessert. Happy Birthday.
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A little germs in your cake never hurt anyone. Except for all the people the get sick right after the birthday party.
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1. Alpacas are way cuter. Plus, they’re easily frightened, so if you spit first, you instantly win.
3. Of course crowds cause other people, it’s kind of their thing.
7. Completely correct and carpet bombing should begin immediately.
13. Easy. Sunsets are in double and then black out, sunrises look blurry, pounding, and bloodshot.
25. Because electricity. Unless you’re Dr. Doom or Storm and can summon it from the air with your mutant powers, cords are the best delivery system we have so far for under ten dollars.
28. Google “Utilikilt.”
33. Actually, that’s the only reason to GO bowling. Well, that and you can be drunk and still win. (See #13)
40. Two dozen streaming news shows can’t be wrong, pun intended.
42. There are only three words that rhyme with your name that are not boring as dryer lint.
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Love number 31!!!!!
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I thought I would throw and obvious one in there that everyone knows to get warmed up.
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I remember when i first heard of Bitcoins i thought the exact same thing….
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They just sound like Monopoly money.
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1. Alpacas are way cuter. Plus, they’re easily frightened, so if you spit first, you instantly win.
3. Of course crowds cause other people, it’s kind of their thing.
7. Completely correct and carpet bombing should begin immediately.
13. Easy. Sunsets are in double and then black out, sunrises look blurry, pounding, and bloodshot.
25. Because electricity. Unless you’re Dr. Doom or Storm and can summon it from the air with your mutant powers, cords are the best delivery system we have so far for under ten dollars.
28. Google “Utilikilt.”
33. Actually, that’s the only reason to GO bowling. Well, that and you can be drunk and still win. (See #13)
40. Two dozen streaming news shows can’t be wrong, pun intended.
42. There are only three words that rhyme with your name that are not boring as dryer lint.
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It looks like you thought a lot of these through. I think you could make quite a list for your birthday too.
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Every year is better than the last one, with the exception of the last one. I’d rather focus on the three beers I have left, not mourn the three empties. But, thanks.
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I can see that. Thanks for understanding my sense of humor about it.
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Happy Bitter Birthday! I would write somehing cheesy but I fear becoming an addition to your list – actually I might be ok – just put me near # 28 Pants – I can relate with your distaste for those things
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Don’t worry about becoming a part of this list. But if you keep it up and dream big you might make next year’s list of 42. Because there is one more slot open next year.
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Love this! Check me out!
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How should I check you out? Do you need me to scan your groceries?
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Pingback: In case you missed it…because you needed more things to add to your busy life | Ben's Bitter Blog
Well, I’m behind so I’ll wait until next year to say something stupid.
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Then you will have to be bitter about even more things next year.
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OK – I’ll start saving now
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I usually can think of things in my sleep. No preperation needed.
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Clowns should be #1. I hate clowns, they freak me out so much I could scream. I’m sitting here thinking of clowns and getting scared and there aren’t even any around. Or what if there are? I really should install a security system for cases like this…
I hope you had the bitterest birthday of them all, but it sounds like you already had the task well in hand!
Also, #39 – Diarrhea.
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Stupid clowns. And they aren’t even funny.
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Bitter Birthday, B-boy! Not knowing the exact date, hoping these wishes arrived late to add to your bitterness, and that all of your gifts made you gush:
“Oh. Gee…thanks.”
BTW, all loose sofa pillows must DIE. But facts during arguments? The ONLY way to argue. Some silly man once told me, in anger: “The problem with you is, you argue too LOGICALLY!”
(Eh. What else can one expect from a member of the ditzy gender?)
Funny post, sir.
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I am always throwing logic out the door whenever I argue. I also can’t stand how much pillows are getting in my way.
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Logical ditzyness.
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First, happiest of birthdays (sorry I’m a couple of days late).
Second, YES:
6. Fone callz. Cause phone calls are bad enough.
12. Las Vegas. Cause every casino doesn’t look exactly the same inside.
13. Pictures of Sunsets. How do you know they aren’t sunrises?
Third:
20. Gloves with cut off fingers. Because why?
Because your hands get cold but you still want to use your fingers the normal way. I buy them at the 99 Cent Store and cut off the fingers. They’re all pretty ugly. But my hands are no longer…bitter.
Fourth, the best logic:
25. Cords. In order to have cordless things there always needs to be cords. What?
27. Sneezing. So I’m not allowed to open my eyes while sneezing just once?
28. Pants. Getting in the way of comfort since they were invented.
33. Bowling. Because it is possible for a little kid to beat a grown adult by accident.
Hope you had as much fun on your birthday as I did reading your birthday post.
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I guess bikers and you agree on the cut off glove thing. My hands are always warm, so I don’t ever wear gloves anyways.
I did have bitterest of birthdays, so thanks for your bitter wishes.
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Happy birthday sweet bitterness. I hope the only thing that gets cut is the cake and that you get, at least, half-baked.
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Nothing sweet about it. Only bitter aftertaste from the cake and orange juice.
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Yup, orange juice does it every time!
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Freshly squeezed with a nice cereal will make you bitter every morning.
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I would suggest removing “(under my eye)” from bags. Bags just make me bitter in general. I don’t want them under my eyes, I also don’t want to carry them, I don’t want to use them to pick up dog poo (but I have to), I don’t want to keep tons of the plastic variety in my house but I have to because you never know when you’ll need a bag, and I don’t want to get dirty looks at the grocery store when I choose plastic instead of paper or the ugly $1 environmentally friendly tote.
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I know I should have removed it, but I’m too lazy to go back and change it. Bag ladies, gab spelled backwards, the list is limited.
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lol empty pizza boxes.
http://www.awordofsubstance.wordpress.com
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They should never be empty. Make me so bitter.
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Happy Birthday Bitter Ben!
I second you on your #1 annoying thing.
To answer #20 – because Micheal Jackson lol
Annnnnd for your birthday I’d get you grumpy cat =P
I think I speak for all women- leave our decorative pillows ALONE! Lol jk
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The stupid things could be alpacas of llamas, I would never know.
Oh Micheal Jackson, that’s the reason? Why again?
You can have all your decorative pillows, but if I ever come to your house, I’m throwing them on the ground and putting my bitter feet up.
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Lol
He liked to climb trees, so he wore them. Yea! I’m sticking with that story haha
EWW that’s pillow hair-as-ment! That’s just wrong =P
Since you like celebrating your Birthday, what’s do you want to do for the next one lol =P kidding.
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I’m am a full on pillow hair-as-sser. I’ve got no problem using them for fights, throwing them on the ground, kicking them out of bed, even putting my head on them all night. They have no rights in my opinion.
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Feliz cumpleaños mi amigo amarga!
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I hope one of those words means bitter.
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and here’s to many more bitter birthdays .
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The longer I live the more things I’ll have to be bitter about.
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Happy Birthday!!!!!!
Laughing……. I love them all, but 13 was hilarious.
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Thirteen was hilarious. What was it again? Oh yeah, I can’t remember.
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Smarticus……the sunset vs sunrise. 🙂
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Bittercus is more like it. They all look sunny and happy and that is definitely not my style.
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LOL…. Bittercus it is.
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Like Spartacus, but more bitter.
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Hee Hee…. :p
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And more destructive.
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I’ve got my 63rd coming up in a few months and my wife and kids think I’m getting even more bitter than they ever remember me being.
And they say it like that’s my problem, not theirs.
Some people, man.
I’m tellin’ ya ….
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Every year, I’m going to have more to be bitter about. Not much of a problem.
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Happy birthday, Bitter Ben. You look like an old, tired clown with bags under his eyes. And, put that damn taffy down! You’re on a fucking diet!
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I feel much worse than I look so it is even worse than it looks.
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Well, I turn 50 on Tuesday. Whoever said that 50 is the new 30 is full of shit.
By the way, do you want a free book by yours truly? Just to go my blog and reply to the posting. I’ll even autograph it! Please? I need money to feed my dogs!!!
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And whoever said 41 isn’t the new 80 is so wrong too. I feel like an old man shuffling in his slippers across the kitchen floor. I don’t know if it is possible for me to be any older.
Yes, I want a free book. So how are you going to make money if you give it away for free? By the way, your dogs can just eat grass or something right?
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don’t you hate when you buy beautiful sunglasses & your water bottle breaks them , in your handbag?
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I never break them. they always get lost way before I break them.
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i always break them, before i lose them.
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I did break two pairs in a matter of days, by stepping on them. I was pretty bitter about it.
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never done that.. i have to go .it’s almost passover & just started raining….hope not inside or i will have to go to my other condo….
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Is it still passover? Are you able to speak during that time?
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14-22 evening.. lol.. i can’t speak before during or after , but everyone else can.
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Well it is over now right? You speaking can now commence. Just found out I am getting Freshly Pressed.
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last night at 8 soemething…that is wonderful, mr. freshly pressed.. i have to go write the owner of this condo & tell him i am leaving & maybe leave before it rains again, if i have the strength..
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Let’s hope it doesn’t rain anymore. That would never happen.
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you have only 41 things to be bitter about?
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I’ve got way more, you know that. Just 41 that day.
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yes i knew the answer before i typed the question
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I try to limit myself to only to the years I am on my bday.
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wow, so you plan on having 80 at 80..speaking of #’s & weather at 10 am wind is 10mph at 11 , 11 mph at 12 12 at 1 13 at 2 14 at 3 15 tomm.
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yep 80 on 80 will be great. or traffic on the 7’s.
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traffic on the 7’s…should be every minute.it’s heavy is always the answer
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You should move to Latvia. The wifi is excellent. They even have it in taxis. And there are so many bitter, miserable people you’d fit right in! Plus, lard is easier to chew than taffy 😉
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I’ve been looking to move and if there are bitter people there, I might find that place to be something I want to move to.
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That is a terrible Brit gif. I love it. From someone who left 41 a month ago, I can honestly say it only gets crappier exponentially, from head to toe, mentally and physically. The upside is nothing. Except that you will find 41 more things to be bitter about, so that’s good. And while I’m at it: you have now outlived Sam Kinison, Anna Nicole Smith, JFK Jr, Flo Jo, Malcolm X, MLK Jr, Princess Diana, Marilyn Monroe, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Jesus (but He lives forever), Chris Farley, John Belushi, Karen Carpenter, and Sam Cooke. Yes, you know who Sam Cooke is. He sang, “Cupid, draw back your bow…” Stop forgetting things, Ben.
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Why couldn’t you say something like I’m not going to outlive people like Adam, Moses, George Burns and other bitter people?
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No chance of that.
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There is little chance that I will survive to be 42. If I don’t survive, I’m quitting work.
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i give up .every time i type 12 words = unresponsive (6 x’s) so 2. will wait til next year
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That must make it really hard to type haiku’s or easier. I can’t tell which.
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no it was only on your blog…every time i tried to comment 20 minutes went by .. arrow froze..unresponsive would you like to wait…i said yes & after 20 min. i shut google off & tried again..not fun.4 x’s
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I guess my blog is so bitter, it is toxic and causes comments not to be able to be done. That explains a lot.
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just 1 day of bitterness , i hope
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only 365 days of bitterness.
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what about leap year
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That day gets a whole bitterness in its honor.
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dogs can ask cats to marry them
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happy birthday! i bought a couch with only 1 pillow yesterday. i’ll trade with you?
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You can keep the couch. and all of its pillows.
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thank-you . all 1.. it’s also a bed for company . i would rather have my sofas, but they are in va & md
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I would rather have a sofa with only 1 pillow so I can lay on it and be lazy.
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i will use the pillow as a frisbee .that’s all 1 pillow is good for
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Unless it is one of those countour space pillows.
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i gave mine to my cousin.. i am unforgiving to most pillows
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I am pretty picky about the pillows I use.
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we should have a contest .what peanut butter do you choose? picky mothers choose jif
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Skippy is the best.
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i’ll try that next..i’m not liking the jif from amazon…the kroger store brand was a lot better in oct.
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Must have been expired.
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i hope not ,b/c it comes in packs of 6
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Hope you have a BAD-ASS BITTER BIRTHDAY, BEN!
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I will be the bitterest. Thanks for that picture of a can. What could I possibly do without that picture?
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Happy Bitterday!
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Bitterest ever!
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Happy birthday anyway, I guess? You have compiled quite a solid list, I have to say.
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I will have a bitter birthday and I’ve got quite more to add to the list too.
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