As you may know, I was recently preparing my speech for my nomination to get into the Bitter Hall of Fame. Though I was nominated, I didn’t get in. As per normal, I got within in one vote of getting in and I blame the people who don’t follow my blog. To say I am bitter about it is an understatement. I know one of you out there didn’t vote for me and I’m going to get to the bottom of it.
To make matters even worse, I was contacted by James Lipton of Inside the Bitter Actor’s Studio for an interview before the nominations were official. He was also anticipating that I would make the BHOF, so he wanted to interview me. The interview went badly as all my interviews do, but that wasn’t even the worst part. The interview wasn’t captured on film, because of some freakout of nature. The cameras weren’t working. Not Bravo’s, or NBC’s, not even the college news camera person managed to record it. In fact, YouTube didn’t even bother to show up, so you can’t even find it there. I did, however, manage to bring a recorder in my pocket, just in case these idiots all forgot their cameras, so below you can see a transcript of the interview.
You know, this guy.
James Lipton: Welcome, Bitter Ben. Can I call you Bitter?”
Bitter Ben: Can you call me bitter? Of course you can. That’s what I am right? Right JAMES? Can I call you BAD AT INTERVIEWING?
JL: No, what I meant was can I call you bitter for short?
BB: No I am not short, BAD AT INTERVIEWING, but I’ve noticed you are. What are you like 4’11? My daughter is taller than you Frodo.
JL: Moving on, where do you come from?
BB: Well if you did any research you would know that I come from the Planet Earth. Where do you come from, Frodo? Mars? Nebula?
JL: I apologize. What I meant was where were you born?
BB: Are you deaf, Frodo? I was…BORN ONNNN EARRRTHHH! I swear dude…
JL: Alright then. Um..who were your influences? Who inspires you?
BB: Influenza? No, James, I don’t have the flu. And as far as my inspirations, do you not know that I am going into the Bitter Hall of Fame? I don’t have inspirations. I have bitterspirations. Did you do any research for this thing? Me looking at an audience member. What are you laughing at? Did I say something funny? Dude shuts up.
JL: I’m sorry for my audience. I’ll get him removed. So who bitterspires you?
BB: I was born this way, James. The only bitterspirations I have are from the mirror. And only when I am standing in front of it.
JL: So what you are saying is that you uh, bitterspire yourself?
BB: Yes, James. Did I stutter?
JL: N,no. When you wake up in the morning, what gets you motivated?
BB: Okay, you want to go there? How about this James? I wake up at the crack of dawn, to a cold room, go into the bathroom, turn on the blinding light, shower, look at the reflection of my bitter face, comb my hair and brush my teeth and realize all those things have done nothing to improve me at all. Then I go and avoid eating breakfast, look outside at the clouds, rain, and feel the bitter cold hop inside my messy car, drive for an hour in miserable traffic and work at my job all day. What more do I need to get bitter motivated?
JL: Fascinating. Oh, look at the time. It looks like the students have to get back to their classes. Let’s do my famous wrap up questions.
BB: You’re famous? For what?
JL: You know, for asking questions. Let’s get to the first one. What is your favorite word?
BB: Are you kidding me with this question? Uh, I don’t know, maybeeee BITTER!
JL: What is your least favorite word?
BB: Again, I don’t know the opposite of Bitter. Sweet. Or maybe James Lipton.
JL: What turns you on?
BB: Dude, are you kidding me with this? Anger, frustration, anything that makes others bitter.
JL: What turns you off?
BB: Jennifer Lopez, Julia Roberts.
JL: What sound or noise do you love?
BB: Screeching of breaks, the crashing of thunder, the despair of others.
JL: What sound or noise do you hate?
BB: Your voice. Your theme song, the soundtrack of your life.
JL: What is your favorite curse word?
BB: James Lipton.
JL: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt.
BB: Beekeeper. So I could learn how to unleash the poisionous sting of bees upon you.
JL: What profession would you not like to do?
BB: College professor who is a wannabe host of a show called Inside the Actor’s Studio.
JL: If heaven, exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
BB: I don’t know what I was thinking when I created that Lipton guy. Sorry about that.
I know it wasn’t as bad as you were thinking, but there was a whole lot that I missed. Let’s just say that James Lipton was completely unreasonable when he asked all those bodyguards to come and beat me senseless. I was nothing but completely bitter the whole time.
ARRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Interviewee Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Too bad you couldn’t use the interview on your BHOF qualifications
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A day late, a dollar short. The life of a bitter man.
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Does this guy have anything to do with Lipton tea? That’s the only Lipton I need in my life. This guy seems like a tool.
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He is a tool. Will Ferrell did a great job of being a tool that wasn’t that big of an exageration. You were probably too young when Will was on SNL though.
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The screeching of breaks, the crashing of thunder, the despair of others.
Hahaha made me laugh out loud.
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Not as much as your blog makes me laugh. I thought your story about your husband getting tampons was awesome.
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You nailed the Liptonator and his “I’m so smart with my notecards” fact recitation, adding question marks at the end to trick us into thinking he’s actually asking a question. He clearly forgot to read the “how to interview people” notecards.
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Maybe he should go back to college to learn that instead of doing this show. Also, asking the same questions to every person at the end. Shouldn’t you try to surprise a person when asking a question?
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Loved your bitterview. 😦
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Well, everyone there thought it was terrible, but it felt good to make of that dude.
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Well, as long as you’re bitter about it then I’m bitter for you.
By the way I need to know what grade I’m in at BB’s school of bitterness. Whenever people ask what grade I’m in I feel the need to 🙂 and that makes me 😦
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You are a freshman in the School of Bitterness. As you are getting started. You are getting straight B- grades. Keep up the bitter work!
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😦 I’ll bitterly work on getting bitterer.
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Someday you may get to wear a cap and gown that smells like rhubard.
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I would be very embittered about that. 😦
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Then, you can go to Bitter University for lots of money.
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😦
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My bitter plan is working already.
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It’s a bitter pill to swallow, (Motley Crue), that jagged little pill (Alanis Morisette) will make me gag the whole way down.
But I’ll be a bitter person for it.
😦
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I have a whole bathroom cabinet full of bitter pills. Any time you want, you can borrow some of mine.
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I am running out of Percobitter. 🙂
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What is Percobitter? Is it something you put on toast?
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Yes…..lol ehm 😦
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I like bitter butter for toast.
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Yes….with bitter jam…and not the toe kind 😦
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Just the fact that your blog asks me to “Join 3,498 other followers” makes me bitter. BTW, James Lipton is my favorite registered French Pimp
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Don’t worry, none of those people actually follow me. They just accidently hit the follow button.
He’s a pretty fly french pimp.
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JL: What sound or noise do you hate?
BB: Your voice. Your theme song, the soundtrack of your life.
You crack me up! Congrats on the interview. 😉
“Matt, Matt, Matt, you’re glib. – You need to be responsible.” LOL!
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It was a disaster of an interview and even more of a bummer when I found out I missed out on the Bitter Hall of Fame.
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so ya think Tom will get his brainprint on the psycho hall of fame? glad you didn’t get into the bhof….more bitterness to offer,,,go to ihop and eat it off 🙂
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It’s just another thing for me to be bitter about. I will be back next year bitter than ever.
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A bitter Tour De force, as per usual…
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I was going to do the Tour de France, but my bike was broken…and also I’m too lazy.
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Eww. The thought of sweaty spandex just makes me so bitter. And also grossed out. I’m glad you didn’t race, Ben… your talents are better spent sharpening your poison pen.
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My talent for writing instead of riding is much better suited for my sedintary, couch laying lifestyle.
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Bitter is as bitter does, time for a box of chocolates that have been dipped in venom. Time for affairs with a broken heart. Time for more rejection because you enjoy it. Welcome to what use to be my world.
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It must have been so awful to have chocolates with a bit of venom. All my food has venom.
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Gag us with a spoon. Bitter taste in my mouth between the rotten teeth. If I was drowning in quicksand my friends would throw me an anvil.
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Whoa, you have friends? What is that like?
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Dangerous. The adage goes hold your friends closer than your enemies. You know where your enemies stand, it is your friends who will let you down.
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“there is no such thing
as a chemical imbalance”
what a Fruitcake
& B.
“i don’t talk about
things i don’t understand”
yes CLEARLY you do!
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I always talk about things I don’t understand. I say the word math a lot.
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LOL yes that is true on both counts
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and by counts, you mean counting?
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counting was one , i forgot let me sit down
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lol. How did you not win with all that super bitterness! It must have been fixed! 🙂
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Of course it was rigged. There is no way I shouldn’t be in there. I am outraged and bitter!
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Lol! 😉
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