There was a time in my life when I was fast. In seventh grade, I remember running a mile in under six minutes. In basketball, my sophomore year, I was the fastest guy on the team. I ran track and mowed the lawn. It was because I naturally gifted and incredibly in shape. I was really fast at homework too. I would speed right through problems, getting them completely wrong. I was really efficient at not double checking my homework. The great thing about being fast was that you got things done and over with so you could be lazy.
I realized later in life that getting things done too quickly meant people wanted to award you efficiency with more work. If you got all the problems wrong, they wanted to assign you more. If you ran a mile too fast, they wanted you to do another. Being the quick learner that I am, I realized that I should slow down on things. Practice makes perfect, but what if you don’t want to practice or be perfect? I started to perfect just enough. I didn’t want to be fast anymore. Then along came computers.
Computers took away all my excuses. I used to be able to get out of doing a paper because the typewriter was broken. Now I can type up a paper on the phone. I used to be able to say the dog ate my homework. Check your hard drive. Can’t make it into work? You can telecommute. Can’t find my house to help me move? GPS it. Dang it!
I used to be so good at avoiding people. Calling me on the phone (remember land lines?) was their only option. All you had to do is pretend that you couldn’t make it to the phone on time. How can I be able to go to your lame graduation from college, when I couldn’t get to the phone? Thanks to computers though, you can cyberstalk me. If I don’t answer my home phone, then you can immediately call my cell phone, text me, tweet me, Face me, or turn on the spy cam in my house that you set up. You can even use the voice on the camera to tell me that you know I’m home, doing nothing and can come to the graduation.
I used to pride myself and no one knowing anything about me. Computers now tell you everything. I used to be bitter to only a small number of associates, or what other people call friends. Only the people that I lived with(others call them family) knew about all my irritating habits. Now with Facebook and Twitter and Google and Stalker.com, people can find out things I don’t want them to know about me, like my extensive work experience and my strong resume that would make me eligible to be a CEO or NBA star. Or that I have a hilariously bitter blog that will make millions laugh, which would attract a talent scout from Comedy Central to force me to do a half hour special. This would then cause me fame and attention or what I call…work. Lazy people would watch me on TV instead of me watching them on TV. So much work!
Computers promised that they would change society. Since the 90’s they have made things faster and smarter and blah, blah blah. Where are all the innovations that computers promised us? Where is my flying minivan? Or my robot that can switch the channels for me? Or the computer that was going to replace my job? Why haven’t they destroyed Zion like they promised in the Matrix? What about the computer’s promise to create clouds that created meatballs? All we get is silly cat videos? We could have done all that on America’s Funniest Home videos. Why are computers so lazy? The only jobs computers are replacing is my job of sitting on the couch and watching TV.
Bitter “Mr. Anderson” Ben
- Wanted: Bitter Rival to Share Bitter Feud with (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Lazy Saturday Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Day after Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)