Computer Bitterness

Me before I realized my true calling of laziness and Bitterness.

Me before I realized my true calling of laziness and Bitterness.  Though I still had my bitter look even then.

There was a time in my life when I was fast.  In seventh grade, I remember running a mile in under six minutes.  In basketball, my sophomore year, I was the fastest guy on the team.  I ran track and mowed the lawn.  It was because I naturally gifted and incredibly in shape.   I was really fast at homework too.  I would speed right through problems, getting them completely wrong.  I was really efficient at not double checking my homework.   The great thing about being fast was that you got things done and over with so you could be lazy.

I realized later in life that getting things done too quickly meant people wanted to award you efficiency with more work.  If you got all the problems wrong, they wanted to assign you more.  If you ran a mile too fast, they wanted you to do another.  Being the quick learner that I am, I realized that I should slow down on things.  Practice makes perfect, but what if you don’t want to practice or be perfect? I started to perfect just enough.  I didn’t want to be fast anymore. Then along came computers.

Computers took away all my excuses.  I used to be able to get out of doing a paper because the typewriter was broken.  Now I can type up a paper on the phone.  I used to be able to say the dog ate my homework.  Check your hard drive.  Can’t make it into work?  You can telecommute.  Can’t find my house to help me move?  GPS it.  Dang it!

I was a specialist in stalking people.  Computers came along and now any old Joe or Jane can do it.  My future as a private investigator was ruined.

I was a specialist in stalking people. Computers came along and now any old Joe or Jane can do it. My future as a stalker private investigator was ruined.

I used to be so good at avoiding people.  Calling me on the phone (remember land lines?) was their only option.  All you had to do is pretend that you couldn’t make it to the phone on time.  How can I be able to go to your lame graduation from college, when I couldn’t get to the phone?  Thanks to computers though, you can cyberstalk me.  If I don’t answer my home phone, then you can immediately call my cell phone, text me, tweet me, Face me, or turn on the spy cam in my house that you set up. You can even use the voice on the camera to tell me that you know I’m home, doing nothing and can come to the graduation.

I used to pride myself and no one knowing anything about me.  Computers now tell you everything.  I used to be bitter to only a small number of associates, or what other people call friends.  Only the people that I lived with(others call them family) knew about all my irritating habits.  Now with Facebook and Twitter and Google and Stalker.com, people can find out things I don’t want them to know about me, like my extensive work experience and my strong resume that would make me eligible to be a CEO or NBA star.  Or that I have a hilariously bitter blog that will make millions laugh, which would attract a talent scout from Comedy Central to force me to do a half hour special.  This would then cause me fame and attention or what I call…work.  Lazy people would watch me on TV instead of me watching them on TV.  So much work!

The newest of computer innovations. The couch computer is taking jobs from me in being lazy.  Arrrghhh!

The newest of computer innovations. The couch computer is taking jobs from me in being lazy. Arrrghhh!

Computers promised that they would change society.  Since the 90’s they have made things faster and smarter and blah, blah blah.  Where are all the innovations that computers promised us?  Where is my flying minivan? Or my robot that can switch the channels for me?  Or the computer that was going to replace my job?    Why haven’t they destroyed Zion like they promised in the Matrix? What about the computer’s promise to create clouds that created meatballs? All we get is silly cat videos? We could have done all that on America’s Funniest Home videos.  Why are computers so lazy? The only jobs computers are replacing is my job of sitting on the couch and watching TV.

So bitter.

Arrrrgghhhhh

Bitter “Mr. Anderson” Ben

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128 thoughts on “Computer Bitterness

  1. The chip will come soon. Than you can get rid of these bulky boxes. And yes, hope to see you soon on TV! Than can tell my friends that we are cyber buddies 🙂

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  2. Hey Ben, I got a not too terrible snarky comment on Reddit on my Who’s Minding Your Wild Mind post. So far no one has commented on your post. I think they get points for being snarky and they couldn’t think of anything to say. Also, can’t believe anyone can find anything on Redditt, and yet I’m still getting ‘views.’ 19 yesterday, 15 today.

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  3. You are forgetting about the one magical moment that computers have brought us. The time when the internet connection goes down at the office. All work must cease! Everyone takes to loudly chattering in the hallway! And, if the crisis persists for at least 10 minutes, everyone is sent home. Nothing can happen without the Internet! Nothing (even though, before 1998, no one doing this exact job had a computer and somehow managed to make it work)! Complete crisis!

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  4. You need not experience the Arrrrgghhhhh-mageddon of computer overload. Dig up a computer that can only handle dial-up, get a rotary phone and live in a cave so far away from civilization there’s no hope of finding an electrical source to hijack. Soon, you’ll truly become a wild and crazy guy. The bitter will just be the dried up icing on the moldy cake.

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  5. Yeah, computers suck. Technology sucks. LIFE SUCKS!!! But, thanks to Ben’s Bitter Blog, I can complain about how sucky everything is and STILL sound like Pollyanna compared to him. So maybe computers and technology don’t suck as much as I thought they did a moment ago. Thanks to computers, no matter how much my life sucks, I can always console myself with the certainty that it doesn’t suck as much as Ben’s (and if that observation makes you bitter, Ben, all the better).

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  6. Nice to know the bitterness started early. The expression is perfection. Bitter perfection. And, who are the Bittermaliens? Dense on that — hey, something for me to be bitter about myself on.

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  7. Pingback: The Cyber Dog Ate My Homework | To Inform is to Influence

  8. I used to walk the dog down my mile long driveway to get the mail. It took me 25 minutes. I taught him how to open the box and bring the mail back to me at the house. I don’t have to go to the mailbox anymore. I am trying to teach him to pay the bills.

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  9. This is all my little brother’s fault. He developed a computer program for CSIS that can slap together a profile on anyone who turns on their computer, anywhere in the world, in just under five seconds. Yes, he sold it to every intelligence agency in the world. I can give you his address and phone number and which room of the house he sleeps in by way of retaliation, if you like…

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  10. Yes..you can run but not hide..someone is stalking you right behind..got your movement linked up with mobile..move around but escape not in sight..you were perfect in being invisible and slippery..not anymore..don’t be bitter or a bore..get better but please don’t bite..its your keyboard 🙂

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