It is that time of year. You know what I’m talking about. Summer. Okay, not calendarly for another 3 weeks. And not weather wise because it is still gray and cloudy. Not in school terms either, because our kids aren’t out yet. And not summer barbeque wise yet, because we haven’t had any summer bar-b-que’s at work yet. (Though if I may be so bitter, we haven’t had those for three years now, so it is summer in terms of we haven’t had any barbeques).
The bitterest thing of the summer isn’t going outdoors to the beach or camping, fishing or boating, working on the house, or inside stewing about the heat with the air conditioning on or watching summer re-runs or sleeping lazily in a sweat nap. The bitterest part of the summer is the Movie Trailers. Or in other words, the fastest way to go from super pumped to bitter. Though I am the Agent Smith of Bitterness, Movie Trailers get 3 1/2 stars out of 4 in Bitter Entertainment Weekly(You are welcome for that mixed metaphor).
What makes a Bitter Movie Trailer? The employees or “characters”. Let’s start with Title. As the boss of Movie Trailer, Title feels like it is the most important part of the whole process, when in fact, all it does is appear at the end while taking all the credit. He may appear in the beginning as well, but don’t count on it. Sometimes he doesn’t even appear in the Trailer at all or he is so well hidden that Neo would have to fight Agent Smith just to cover your hide, so you could go into the Matrix to find the Title in a meeting or “motivating” the rest of the Trailer.
Trailer Music is tired of inspiring you. TM has been manipulating your emotions by manipulating the same 12 notes with uptight violins, psychotic drums and operetic style opera singers in tandem with exploding explosions for so long that she hears the music in her sleep. Trailer music just needs a break. Day after day, she sits in her cubicle, back straight, staring at the same green screen with PREVIEW HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR ALL AUDIENCES bouncing on her screen trying to think of just the right notes for you. The worst part of Trailer Music’s life is the fact that she works so hard to be good for the trailer only to be left out of Actual Movie. Talk about bitter.
One of the veteran’s of Trailer, Loud Explosion has been around for a while. He has bad knees, bad back and a really large headache. He wants to retire, but can’t because of the constant need for Loud Explosion to be in every trailer. It has been a disatrophe. In fact, the other day, he was asked to do an explosion in a romantic comedy. It played so well, that now other romantic comedies are asking for him. He just started pounding his head on his desk and exploded.
Camera angle’s head is loopy because of all the years of being spun around, carried as a handheld, moved up and down on a pole, its eyes being focused forward and back, and being forced to be put in impossible places. It just wants to sit in a room for just a few minutes and well….just stare straight ahead. Real movie camera angles at least occasionally get to sit still.
Trailer Car has a speed..ing problem. He barely ever takes time to stop and smell the rose scented car freshener. His life has been speeding by so fast, he was just a year old 2 months ago. Now he is 40 and his exhaust is exhausted. He just wants a moment to ponder, but between his Movie Trailer day job, and his Minivan wife and two Mini-Coopers at home, he barely gets a moment to tinker in his garage when he gets home.
In contrast to Trailer Car, Close up Slow-mo feels like her career is going nowhere fast. She looks cool for sure, and she is a little bit of a drama queen, but is never on time. She never seems to be able to keep up or get any jokes. In fact, she can’t even keep up with her pets, the three toed sloth Gunit, and her turtle Turbo. She would be break down and cry at home, if she could ever get there by the end of the day.
So when you think of how terrible the movie is in contrast to the movie trailer, remember these poor bitter souls that toil bitterlessly to make this great trailer, only to be blamed for how terrible the movie was. You think you are bitter you got nothing on Bitter Movie Trailer people. Only I do.
And a bitter summer to you…when it starts.
Bitter “Agent Smith” Ben
P.S. Looking for something else to bitter about on Friday? Check out my new Page of Bitter Pictures. Click on tab called Bitter Pictures above.
- Movie trailers: too much of a good thing? (bechereremily.wordpress.com)
- National Association of Theater Owners Pushes for Shorter Movie Trailers (slashfilm.com)
- Are Movie Trailers Too Long? Theater Owners Think So (entertainment.time.com)