Ben’s Bitter Birthday Bash. See y’all at Chuck E. Cheese’s!
Yesterday I was 39 years old and bitter. Today, I am old and bitter. For those of you who are smart (actually if you were smart you wouldn’t follow this bitter blog) you would have deduced that yesterday was the day before my birthday, making today….the next day. In honor of a day that now makes me 40 years bitter, I decided to do something that would be so time consuming, so mind numbing and so cliche that it would make everyone involved infinitely more bitter. This made perfect sense, since the whole purpose of this blog is to be bitter, to talk about bitter, to expand on our bitterness and to display new and inventive ways to be bitter. Thus the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness that was created two blog posts ago. So with further ado, ramblings and endless introductions, I present to you 40 things I am bitter about:
- The B.I.T.T.E.R. school as imagined by my blogger friend Tutti. She has been my unofficial artist. (By unofficial, I mean unpaid.) Check out her whole post at http://tuttisworld.wordpress.com/2013/04/08/a-new-school
Okay rambling a little more: I presented a question on my Bitter Blog Facebook (which very few of you joined, which of course I am bitter about), wondering if you would be down for a contest in which if you compete in a simple contest, I will give you a very slim (like lottery slim) chance to win a prize. Would you really care about something like that? If so, would movie tickets be a good prize? Or a bitter T-shirt? Or would we all be bitter off just skipping such a stupid idea? Leave a comment in the comments.. Thanks. Now the list:
1. The baby formula I had when on my original birthday. It was so gross! How could I be forced to eat that stuff?
2. Rice.
3. Bright lights. (See my past post on this one.)
4. Tuesdays. (See this past post.)
5. People shamelessly promoting old posts that aren’t funny at all or even worth reading.
6. Skydiving. I’ve never done it and I want to. Why do planes have to work so hard at not letting me jump out of them?
7. Ink blots. Why would you spill your ink all over a piece of paper and then ask me what it looks like? (It looks like your pen broke.)
8. Headaches. (Like the one I have right now.)
9. Blog post ideas from other people.(Just tonight I got 3 from weirdos I call family. Don’t worry, they don’t read my blog.)
10. Bed and Breakfasts. I mean why would I want cereal all over my bed?
11. Long lists that just go on and on and on….
12. Getting distract…
13. Lulls in conversations. (Most awkward words in the English language, So (pause)…
14. Grammar. I before e, except after c, and in some other cases…Does French have rules like that?
15. The red dashes under mispelled wurds. Can thay jusst b perple?
16. Fatty foods that make you fat. Can a steak and cheese sandwich just be slimming once in a while? Can a carrot be fattening?
17. Junk email. I’m still waiting for my $20 million from that guy in Africa that I sent my bank account number to.
18. Hoods. On cars. Why do they have to be so heavy? I can gently shut the hood myself. I’m pretty sure I will lose a limb someday from those things.
19. The number 19. Its such a random number. I mean who said that we had to have a number between 18 and 20?
20. Ice. It is always so cold. Can someone invent a kind of ice that is a little warmer?
21. Facebook birthday reminders. Come tomorrow I’m going to get wished happy birthday by someone that I don’t even know.
22. Hair. Girls have a love/hate relationship with it. I have a disgusting hair in a hairbrush that accidentally gets in my mouth relationship with it.
23. Toast. Does it ever get the right golden brown color it is supposed to be? Does frozen butter ever get spread the right way over it?
24. American Idol. It says somewhere that we aren’t supposed to worship Idols. Especially when they can’t sing.
25. Passwords. I have so many that I just started using Iamsobitterwiththesestupidpasswords as my password for everything.
26. The letter M and N. Can we just combine themn imnto omne letter? They are practically the same thing.
27. Air. Shouldn’t it be free? We have to pay for air to be warmed and to be cooled. Except in my car that only warms it.
28. Cameras. They have all these features that allow me to take a blurry picture of a place no one cares about.
29. Phones. Duh. (See mine or much better Sass and Balderdash’s post about them.)
30. Cows. The manatees of dry ground. All they have ever done for us is provide us with milk, meat and cow dung.
31. The ocean. Why does it always have to be so salty? Ever hear of freshwater, ocean?
32. Flies. These idiots get free flights, while I have to pay $500 to go South Dakota.
33. Barbecues. They never seem to clean up after themselves. What are they two year olds?
34. Soccer and Curling. In the Olympics, baseball isn’t. Relax rest of the world. I just think a little more scoring is better for all of us.
35. Math. x/y (2xy-x) * the hypotenuse. Like French, German and women, math is a foreign language.
36. Kardashian. If schadenfreude exists, please allow the KKKKS (Kim,Khloe,Kourtney,Klan, Scott) to get accidental horrifying plastic surgery to their faces.
37. Wind. Fast air. Since we have to pay for air, can we pay to get wind to stop?
38. Emptiness. My wallet is always empty when I need to buy a new Lamborghini, my head empty when people ask me to say something nice.
39. Interviews. Celebrity interviews consist of questions about hair, who they are wearing. My interviews consist of people asking me what is my biggest weakness.
40. Birthdays. Bitter because the fantasy is lavish parties, expensive, well thought out gifts, toasts for being wiser, more handsome, and wittier than ever. Reality is inane questions about how old you are, what you are going to do for your birthday and getting phone calls all day from 50 family member asking those same questions.
Happy Bitter Birthday to me. I wonder if I will even get one person to make it to the end of this fiasco.
lazy arrrghhhh
Bitter Birthday Ben
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Can I ask what’s up with the rice?
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I guess because it wasn’t a pizza. I don’t remember .
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This list is extensive. And I laughed a lot. At you or with you? I don’t know. Bright lights piss me off, too.
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There was so much to be bitter about that day.
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Everything about this post made me smile which is the opposite of your intention. So you lose. Wait, no, I guess that would make you more bitter. So maybe you actually win.
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Bitterness has many layers, all of which I know about. As you can see I have a school to teach bitterness as I have so much to teach people about it. So whether you make me lose, which I will be bitter about, or win which I am also bitter about, I am bitter. See how deep bitterness can be?
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You sir, are a bitter genius.
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I’m definitely bitter. Genius about one thing…bitterness. So yeah, I guess.
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LOL @ #5 AND #20! love this!
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You think 5 was bad, check out my post today! Ice just needs to chill out sometimes. Or be a little hotter.
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hhaha sure thing : D
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I just don’t want to turn 41 because then I have to make up 41 things and that is so much work!
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Happy birthday! I made sure to not be on the site the actual day of your birth so that when I did log in later it would prove to be an extra bitter reminder of how I snubbed you on your Day of Days and Day of glorious rebirth mr old man yo.
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I was actually pretty bitter about it, so thanks.
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i take full credit for any accolades you get after right now since it’s clear my extra push for your bitterness is what finally gave you the catalyst to greatness. JUST SAYING.
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You can have all my blog awards. They are just right for a person like you and not at all for a person as bitter as me.
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Happy birthday for the other day!
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It was a bitter day for sure. No one wants to turn that age.
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happy belated birthday!!!!!
Is it sad I agree with every one of your points? Thank you for welcoming me to the bitter side of things. Although, brown rice makes me even more bitter.
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Of all the things on the list, I got more people commenting on the rice. It’s probably because I didn’t explain it like everything else. And no it isn’t sad that you agree with them all. It is just helping you realize that you are bitter like me.
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I have embraced my inner bitterness. I thank you.
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Thanks for coming to the bitter side.
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Oh….well a belated Bitter Birthday…….sorry it’s late. I was doing something important. 😎
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Everything is more important ‘cough’ golf, than my birthday.
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Happy birthday! Here’s to 40 more bitter years! (and hopefully more if you want to be really old)
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I don’t want to be old. I want to go right before I go insane. Which is almost upon us….
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Bitter Birthday to you, old man. May you pass out and not remember the rest of this awful April day. But really, 19? Do you hate the song “19” about the Vietnam War? Nothing to be bitter about regarding Vietnam. That all went our way so well. What about the song, “Hey, 19?” A man is old like you and dating a teenager who has never heard of Aretha Franklin. Oh, I guess that is bitter.
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My daughter and son will ship the ages of 19 and you will just have to get over it. The 19 songs will just have to be erased from history. Sorry.
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Ben – now I am bitter. You didn’t add “Freshly Pressed” to your list. Apparently nepotism exists even in the blogging world. So many mediocre bloggers are chosen (often more than once!) for Freshly Pressed while other talented bloggers are ignored. Freshly Pressed makes me very bitter.
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Freshly Pressed I will never be for they like positive and uplifting and non bitter. I will show them by getting millions of followers and showing them I don’t need no stinking Freshly Pressed.
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*Narrator with a snotty posh voice*
“Pink Flip-Flops Chick took a sip from her beloved Pepsi Max as she sat down on the sofa. The browser on her even more beloved Mac had WordPress open and Bitter Ben had apparently posted a new blog entry. She usually liked reading Ben’s blog…especially on mondays when she’s extremely grumpy and mad at the world for ending the weekend so soon. She began reading the entry…..apparently Mr. Bitter had turned the big Four O…’Well congratulations!’ she thought. Wait…was that inappropriate to say…? After all he sounded rather …well….bitter about getting old. Even more so than usual. But who was she to talk about hating birthdays – after all, her own plan is to stop aging at 28 and jump straight 40 when its getting hard to explain about having children nearly as old as herself. But…well surely, he did know….right? Or didn’t he? She mentally asked herself.
‘Didn’t he know that 40 is the 35 for men?’ ….She read further down the entry…and then came the list. Unfortunately she had just taken a huge gulp of her drink as she read;
‘1. The baby formula I had when on my original birthday. It was so gross! How could I be forced to eat that stuff?’
and then promptly began to laugh and choking on cola and air….which resulted in a very….wet….Macbook. Cola all over the screen and keyboard….
….Everywhere….
By some kind of divine intervention (Perhaps Steve Jobs must have blessed all of his products), the Mac still worked! Pink Flip-Flops chick composed herself, cleaned up the mess while bitterly grumbling about her precious Mac baby almost losing its life due to a mans birthday issues…. and then began to read again….The list continued….
’17. Junk email. I’m still waiting for my $20 million from that guy in Africa that I sent my bank account number to.’
’19. The number 19. Its such a random number. I mean who said that we had to have a number between 18 and 20?’
’25. Passwords. I have so many that I just started using Iamsobitterwiththesestupidpasswords as my password for everything.’
’36. Kardashian. If schadenfreude exists, please allow the KKKKS (Kim,Khloe,Kourtney,Klan, Scott) to get accidental horrifying plastic surgery to their faces.’
….and so did her laughter….as she read nr. 40 on the list, she thought to herself ‘Man, I hope he does one of these lists on every birthday. Bitter logic is hilarious!’ ”
Hilarious post and happy 28th! 😉
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I must say that this is the longest comment I have ever had and I am so bitter about your Mac being almost ruined. You have no idea how bitter I would be If I read someone else’s post and found Pepsi all over my Mac. So I have decided that I will no longer to bitter, funny posts and only do bitter ones. Thanks for your input.
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I turned 40 a month ago. Congrats on getting through the first 23% of your life. (I tried to find something on Google about bitterness/longevity. They all said that happy people live longer. That’s why I gave you such a big percentage. If this was a happy blog, I would have said 17%. Except I wouldn’t have been reading it.)
Sadly, I read your entire post – which means I have way too much free time or stuff just didn’t get done today. I did accidentally laugh out loud at a few of them. My apologies – I tried not to.
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I have been telling people that I will be cursed like Tom hanks in the Green Mile where he had to live a long bitter life because he let the healer guy ride the lightning.
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About # 25, consider adding LastPass to your browser and then you will only need one password for everything. But then again, now that I think about it, it would be one less thing to be bitter about which might defeat the purpose of your blog. You could replace #25 with the bitterness that you may experience when people offer you unsolicited help.
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There will always be another 50 things waiting in line, when one of the weaker bitter things on the list fall off.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
May you feel the cold, stale breath of the reaper for many more years. Bitter, miserable, horrific years…
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I appreciate your bitter wishes. You really get me. I am going to be like Tom hanks in Green Mile when he was cursed to a really long life of bitterness because he let that dude ride the lightning.
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I am sure that birthdays are not to be bitter about! Are you saying you would rather be the alternative? Not grow older, or worse, be in the ground or in the waves as ashes? No sir! You will be happy one of these days! I just know it!
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I am bitter about birthdays because I want people to leave me alone so I can enjoy it and they just want to tell me happy birthday and congrats on making it to 40. I am surprised I made it this far too!
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So you think I’m stupid for reading this? Thanks. You made my day.
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I also think that toast is a bitter thing, so you know how smart I am.
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I’m bitter against Ivy League jerks who I just know got in with connections. I’m bitter that teddy Roosevelt somehow managed to memorize every book he read and took 13 mile walks everyday–probably because he came from a rich family with better genes (though his brother died a drunkard and his sister was a cripple . . . and his wife and mother died on the same day . . . and he was shot . . . hmm. I’m still bitter that he was rich.
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And that he got a spot on Mt. Rushmore. I am going to start a place called Mt. Bittermore. I will be on there 4 times.
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Have a poxy birthday. I will like your facebook page as a gift! Wish I could do that with family. Cheap present!
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What is Poxy? Is that stuff that is really sticky? I am a cheap present guy. All I ask for is millions! Muhahaha!
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It is the equivalent to “have a rotten/bad birthday, but a nicer way to say it! I think it sounds really bad now that I am explaining it, to someone outside of Ireland! But I did like your page.
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You know you can tell me to have a bitter day. It is okay because I have them all the time.
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Boy how I can relate to EVERYTHING you wrote about, except TOAST, I love toast, but alas, toast doesn’t like me, so goes my “Love Affair” with toast. (Oh and my family, they don’t read my blog or Twitter.)
I have to say the most despicable thing out there are people who say : “You Know”, at the END of every sentence. They hack me off….YOU KNOW? Ooooops. Now I feel bitter about myself. I’m gonna go home and cry into a pillow.
By the way, 40 is not bad. Age is “Just a State of Mind”. Jee Wiz, I say that every time I sit a while, and can’t get back up. (My husbands thinks it’s funny… he’s a meanie.)
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Toast is just so bland. It needs at least one other thing to be interesting, you know? 40 or any other age is bad for me. Just one step closer to the grave.
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made it to the end… even read all of the little share icons and other people’s comments (my life is so empty..!)
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Not as empty as I am bitter. Perhaps you should extinguish the flames that are on your head on your icon. Perhaps you would have better luck then?
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That was a bodaciously bitter list, Birthday Boy! I look forward to benefiting from the wisdom that comes with your advanced age.
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That is it! I wrote this post when I was 39 years 364 days and 23 hours old. Once I turned 40 all wisdom left the building.
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I wanted to smash my computer when I read 23. Everyday, no matter how long you leave the butter out before, it’s just big stupid butter chunks of either still not toasted enough bread, or cajun style.
Either way, happy birthday! Here’s a poem for you.
It’s your birthday.
Whoop-dee-doo.
40 years bitter,
Let’s go to the zoo.
TA-DAH!
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Wow, that is the best poem anyone has ever written for me on my 40th birthday. And also the only one. I want to smash my computer on toast too, but I think the toast would have won that contest too.
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RICE?! What. I don’t really like rice but rice?
5. Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. Yep
13. Heheheheheheh that’s when you ask WHAT’S THE CRAZIEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE? And they reply I don’t know you weirdo!!!!!!!
21. Yes you are.
26. No it is not Somnya (I cant even do it! That took me three tries)
32. hehe
40. 😦 Happy Birthday anyway Ben!!!!! I hope it’s a great one.
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Wow! It appears as if you have actually made it all the way through and analyzed it. Thanks for the birthday wishes. Looking for jobs is pretty terrible but what better way to be bitter than looking for jobs on your birthday.
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That’s so very lame… how did it go?
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I got one interview but for the most part everyone wants you to apply online.
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I got one for Friday that I got through knowing someone. Cool. I’m praying for that one. Wish me luck!
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I wish you tons of luck! The luck of the Irish, lucky rabbits foot (still attached to a rabbit because that is clearly way luckier than having a dead animal in your pocket), a four leaf clover, a rainbow, and some fairy dust I wish you that much luck!!!!!!!!!!!
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Then I have no chance of failure.
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None at all.
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Which means I should go sell my house and move here straight away right?
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No, you must get settled first.
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Fine. I’ll wait then.
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Good plan
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I would ask you why you’re so bitter about rice, but I think that’s pretty obvious. It’s because it both rhymes with and looks like lice, which is just stupid.
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I think it is because it is so starchy and takes so long to cook, plus your reasons are good too. Lice and rhyming are bitter things too.
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Well, here’s on less thing for you to be bitter about–at least you’re not 44 years bitter like I am today!! lol
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No way! We share the same bitter birthday? No wonder….
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You got it! Explains my extremely foul mouth and general bad attitude, huh? lol
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It explains my bitterness and your extremely foul mouth. I guess Aries are a little naughty.
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happy birthday.i could be the stranger person you wish happy birthday to on facebook if i had facebook and my birthday wasn’t in 8 days.
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You have to be able to be techy in order to do Facebook. I guess you can be the stranger on my blog wishing me a bitter birthday.
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i checky i’m not techy…but i guess i am bitter, because we have the same bitter horrorscope.
also facebook puts all kinds of wrecky spyware on your computer.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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And I suppose wordpress has a satellite dish that take photos of all its bloggers.
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lol…uhoh i hope not.
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Facebook will just come and sign you up without your permission.
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i think you;re joking, but i think you are right also.lol
hey happy birthday. it’s still your bday.don’t pay attention to wordpress time. they think it’s tomorrow.
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Far as I am concerned I still have 30 minutes left to be bitter about it.
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you deserve a week to be bitter about it
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If you give me a week I will take a year.
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lol. i’ll give you a year.
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You’re so kind.
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lol
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no more loling when something isn’t funny. Besides you have to distinguish between laughing out loud and laying on leather.
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LOL it was funny.. it was lol funny not LOL funny…
i never lay on leather . it’s too hard.
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♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸Bitter Birthday to you ¸.•*¨*•♫♪
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Wow how do you do those note things. That must have taken a lot of practice.
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Haven’t a clue
I cheated – a reader posted that birthday greeting to me on madhatters. I just copy/pasted it here after changing the text part to read Bitter Birthday instead of Happy Birthday 😳
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Now I am bitter that I am just a copy and paste. Doesn’t surprise me though. I am bitter about at least 40 other things.
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May your followers always be numerously.
May your computer always work reliable.
May your drafts alway be saved.
May your comments always be witty.
and may your real live be vivid and spirited like your blog.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
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So kind my favorite artist, and adopted blog friend from Germany.
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Welcome in a new decade. The 40s have new many reasons for being bitter. Loosing hair, a nice range of ailments and midlife-crisis: looking back and see what you missed und looking into the future and worry about modest pension. I’shure you will enjoy it bitterly 🙂
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I look forward to a whole new decade of bitterness. You are definitely right about that.
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Happy Birthday Bitter Ben… For your birthday I will shave my head. Hope you will love it. (#22)
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You will not shave your head. I will be the one that does.
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I think a contest would be pretty cool. Also, you’ve really opened my eyes about the 19 in ways I never thought possible.
Happy Bitter Birthday!
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Well then let the contest end in bitterness and shame. Never thought I would get so many bitter birthday wishes.
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I’m sure the Kardashians will get plastic surgery, but we’re not lucky enough for it to be botched.
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I’m sure they have already and I hope it is painful and scarring for life.
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Happy Bitter Birthday!
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Trust me, it will be a bitter birthday.
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Ugh, hit the button too fast. Happy birthday you bitter young man!
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Thanks very little. I don’t think you get that I don’t want the age change, just the cake and presents.
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I made it to the end, smiling the whole way 🙂 I think you are being too kind in number 36. I’m pretty sure that obliterating those people from the face of the planet would be a more humane way to “take care” of them.
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I don’t want humane. I want torturous. So I think letting them live to see their unfixable faces is way more cruel and bitter.
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Many happy returns of this bitter Bitterday Tuesday!
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How about bitter returns for feeling so old?
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OK here’s to bitter bad returns for a bitter bad day that brings bitter woe to the bery bitter forties.
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I’m forty. I didn’t get past your OK before I started falling asleep.
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Welcome to the club you bitter bastard! It doesn’t totally suck, but it doesn’t rule either…
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Thanks a lot for bringing me into terrible club I never wanted to be a part of.
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hope you live to be a hundredddddd
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That will be my curse like Tom Hanks in the Green Mile. I will have to live that long in order to repay all my bitterness.
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