40 reasons to be Bitter

Ben's Bitter Birthday Bash.  See y'all at Chuck E. Cheese's!

Ben’s Bitter Birthday Bash. See y’all at Chuck E. Cheese’s!

Yesterday I was 39 years old and bitter.  Today, I am old and bitter.  For those of you who are smart (actually if you were smart you wouldn’t follow this bitter blog) you would have deduced that yesterday was the day before my birthday, making today….the next day.  In honor of a day that now makes me 40 years bitter, I decided to do something that would be so time consuming, so mind numbing and so cliche that it would make everyone involved infinitely more bitter.  This made perfect sense, since the whole purpose of this blog is to be bitter, to talk about bitter, to expand on our bitterness and to display new and inventive ways to be bitter.  Thus the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness that was created two blog posts ago.  So with further ado, ramblings and endless introductions, I present to you 40 things I am bitter about:

The B.I.T.T.E.R. school as imagined by my blogger friend Tutti.  She has been my unofficial artist. (By unofficial, I mean unpaid.) Check out her whole post athttp://tuttisworld.wordpress.com/2013/04/08/a-new-school/

The B.I.T.T.E.R. school as imagined by my blogger friend Tutti. She has been my unofficial artist. (By unofficial, I mean unpaid.) Check out her whole post at http://tuttisworld.wordpress.com/2013/04/08/a-new-school

Okay rambling a little more: I presented a question on my Bitter Blog Facebook (which very few of you joined, which of course I am bitter about), wondering if you would be down for a contest in which if you compete in a simple contest, I will give you a very slim (like lottery slim) chance to win a prize.  Would you really care about something like that?  If so, would movie tickets be a good prize?  Or a bitter T-shirt?  Or would we all be bitter off just skipping such a stupid idea?  Leave a comment in the comments.. Thanks. Now the list:

1. The baby formula I had when on my original birthday.  It was so gross! How could I be forced to eat that stuff?

2. Rice.

3. Bright lights. (See my past post on this one.)

4. Tuesdays. (See this past post.)

5. People shamelessly promoting old posts that aren’t funny at all or even worth reading.

6. Skydiving.  I’ve never done it and I want to.  Why do planes have to work so hard at not letting me jump out of them?

7. Ink blots.  Why would you spill your ink all over a piece of paper and then ask me what it looks like? (It looks like your pen broke.)

8. Headaches. (Like the one I have right now.)

9. Blog post ideas from other people.(Just tonight I got 3 from weirdos I call family. Don’t worry, they don’t read my blog.)

10. Bed and Breakfasts.  I mean why would I want cereal all over my bed?

11. Long lists that just go on and on and on….

12.  Getting distract…

13. Lulls in conversations. (Most awkward words in the English language, So (pause)…

14. Grammar.  I before e, except after c, and in some other cases…Does French have rules like that?

15. The red dashes under mispelled wurds.  Can thay jusst b perple?

16. Fatty foods that make you fat.  Can a steak and cheese sandwich just be slimming once in a while?  Can a carrot be fattening?

17. Junk email. I’m still waiting for my $20 million from that guy in Africa that I sent my bank account number to.

18. Hoods.  On cars.  Why do they have to be so heavy?  I can gently shut the hood myself.  I’m pretty sure I will lose a limb someday from those things.

19. The number 19.  Its such a random number.  I mean who said that we had to have a number between 18 and 20?

20. Ice.  It is always so cold.  Can someone invent a kind of ice that is a little warmer?

21. Facebook birthday reminders.  Come tomorrow I’m going to get wished happy birthday by someone that I don’t even know.

22. Hair.  Girls have a love/hate relationship with it.  I have a disgusting hair in a hairbrush that accidentally gets in my mouth relationship with it.

23. Toast. Does it ever get the right golden brown color it is supposed to be?  Does frozen butter ever get spread the right way over it?

24. American Idol.  It says somewhere that we aren’t supposed to worship Idols.  Especially when they can’t sing.

25. Passwords.  I have so many that I just started using Iamsobitterwiththesestupidpasswords as my password for everything.

26. The letter M and N.  Can we just combine themn imnto omne letter?  They are practically the same thing.

27. Air. Shouldn’t it be free?  We have to pay for air to be warmed and to be cooled.  Except in my car that only warms it.

28. Cameras.  They have all these features that allow me to take a blurry picture of a place no one cares about.

29. Phones.  Duh.  (See mine or much better Sass and Balderdash’s post about them.)

30.  Cows.  The manatees of dry ground.  All they have ever done for us is provide us with milk, meat and cow dung.

31. The ocean.  Why does it always have to be so salty?  Ever hear of freshwater, ocean?

32. Flies.  These idiots get free flights, while I have to pay $500 to go South Dakota.

33.  Barbecues.  They never seem to clean up after themselves.  What are they two year olds?

34.  Soccer and Curling.  In the Olympics, baseball isn’t.  Relax rest of the world.  I just think a little more scoring is better for all of us.

35. Math.  x/y (2xy-x) * the hypotenuse.  Like French, German and women, math is a foreign language.

36. Kardashian.  If schadenfreude exists, please allow the KKKKS (Kim,Khloe,Kourtney,Klan, Scott) to get accidental horrifying plastic surgery to their faces.

37. Wind.  Fast air.  Since we have to pay for air, can we pay to get wind to stop?

38.  Emptiness.  My wallet is always empty when I need to buy a new Lamborghini, my head empty when people ask me to say something nice.

39. Interviews.  Celebrity interviews consist of questions about hair, who they are wearing.  My interviews consist of people asking me what is my biggest weakness.

40.  Birthdays.  Bitter because the fantasy is lavish parties, expensive, well thought out gifts, toasts for being wiser, more handsome, and wittier than ever.  Reality is inane questions about how old you are, what you are going to do for your birthday and getting phone calls all day from 50 family member asking those same questions.

Happy Bitter Birthday to me.  I wonder if I will even get one person to make it to the end of this fiasco.

lazy arrrghhhh

Bitter Birthday Ben

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127 thoughts on “40 reasons to be Bitter

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  4. Everything about this post made me smile which is the opposite of your intention. So you lose. Wait, no, I guess that would make you more bitter. So maybe you actually win.

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  10. Happy birthday! I made sure to not be on the site the actual day of your birth so that when I did log in later it would prove to be an extra bitter reminder of how I snubbed you on your Day of Days and Day of glorious rebirth mr old man yo.

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  12. Bitter Birthday to you, old man. May you pass out and not remember the rest of this awful April day. But really, 19? Do you hate the song “19” about the Vietnam War? Nothing to be bitter about regarding Vietnam. That all went our way so well. What about the song, “Hey, 19?” A man is old like you and dating a teenager who has never heard of Aretha Franklin. Oh, I guess that is bitter.

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  13. Ben – now I am bitter. You didn’t add “Freshly Pressed” to your list. Apparently nepotism exists even in the blogging world. So many mediocre bloggers are chosen (often more than once!) for Freshly Pressed while other talented bloggers are ignored. Freshly Pressed makes me very bitter.

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    • Freshly Pressed I will never be for they like positive and uplifting and non bitter. I will show them by getting millions of followers and showing them I don’t need no stinking Freshly Pressed.

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  14. *Narrator with a snotty posh voice*

    “Pink Flip-Flops Chick took a sip from her beloved Pepsi Max as she sat down on the sofa. The browser on her even more beloved Mac had WordPress open and Bitter Ben had apparently posted a new blog entry. She usually liked reading Ben’s blog…especially on mondays when she’s extremely grumpy and mad at the world for ending the weekend so soon. She began reading the entry…..apparently Mr. Bitter had turned the big Four O…’Well congratulations!’ she thought. Wait…was that inappropriate to say…? After all he sounded rather …well….bitter about getting old. Even more so than usual. But who was she to talk about hating birthdays – after all, her own plan is to stop aging at 28 and jump straight 40 when its getting hard to explain about having children nearly as old as herself. But…well surely, he did know….right? Or didn’t he? She mentally asked herself.
    ‘Didn’t he know that 40 is the 35 for men?’ ….She read further down the entry…and then came the list. Unfortunately she had just taken a huge gulp of her drink as she read;

    ‘1. The baby formula I had when on my original birthday. It was so gross! How could I be forced to eat that stuff?’

    and then promptly began to laugh and choking on cola and air….which resulted in a very….wet….Macbook. Cola all over the screen and keyboard….

    ….Everywhere….

    By some kind of divine intervention (Perhaps Steve Jobs must have blessed all of his products), the Mac still worked! Pink Flip-Flops chick composed herself, cleaned up the mess while bitterly grumbling about her precious Mac baby almost losing its life due to a mans birthday issues…. and then began to read again….The list continued….

    ’17. Junk email. I’m still waiting for my $20 million from that guy in Africa that I sent my bank account number to.’

    ’19. The number 19. Its such a random number. I mean who said that we had to have a number between 18 and 20?’

    ’25. Passwords. I have so many that I just started using Iamsobitterwiththesestupidpasswords as my password for everything.’

    ’36. Kardashian. If schadenfreude exists, please allow the KKKKS (Kim,Khloe,Kourtney,Klan, Scott) to get accidental horrifying plastic surgery to their faces.’

    ….and so did her laughter….as she read nr. 40 on the list, she thought to herself ‘Man, I hope he does one of these lists on every birthday. Bitter logic is hilarious!’ ”

    Hilarious post and happy 28th! 😉

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    • I must say that this is the longest comment I have ever had and I am so bitter about your Mac being almost ruined. You have no idea how bitter I would be If I read someone else’s post and found Pepsi all over my Mac. So I have decided that I will no longer to bitter, funny posts and only do bitter ones. Thanks for your input.

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  15. I turned 40 a month ago. Congrats on getting through the first 23% of your life. (I tried to find something on Google about bitterness/longevity. They all said that happy people live longer. That’s why I gave you such a big percentage. If this was a happy blog, I would have said 17%. Except I wouldn’t have been reading it.)

    Sadly, I read your entire post – which means I have way too much free time or stuff just didn’t get done today. I did accidentally laugh out loud at a few of them. My apologies – I tried not to.

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  16. About # 25, consider adding LastPass to your browser and then you will only need one password for everything. But then again, now that I think about it, it would be one less thing to be bitter about which might defeat the purpose of your blog. You could replace #25 with the bitterness that you may experience when people offer you unsolicited help.

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    • I appreciate your bitter wishes. You really get me. I am going to be like Tom hanks in Green Mile when he was cursed to a really long life of bitterness because he let that dude ride the lightning.

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  17. I am sure that birthdays are not to be bitter about! Are you saying you would rather be the alternative? Not grow older, or worse, be in the ground or in the waves as ashes? No sir! You will be happy one of these days! I just know it!

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    • I am bitter about birthdays because I want people to leave me alone so I can enjoy it and they just want to tell me happy birthday and congrats on making it to 40. I am surprised I made it this far too!

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      • I’m bitter against Ivy League jerks who I just know got in with connections. I’m bitter that teddy Roosevelt somehow managed to memorize every book he read and took 13 mile walks everyday–probably because he came from a rich family with better genes (though his brother died a drunkard and his sister was a cripple . . . and his wife and mother died on the same day . . . and he was shot . . . hmm. I’m still bitter that he was rich.

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  18. Boy how I can relate to EVERYTHING you wrote about, except TOAST, I love toast, but alas, toast doesn’t like me, so goes my “Love Affair” with toast. (Oh and my family, they don’t read my blog or Twitter.)
    I have to say the most despicable thing out there are people who say : “You Know”, at the END of every sentence. They hack me off….YOU KNOW? Ooooops. Now I feel bitter about myself. I’m gonna go home and cry into a pillow.
    By the way, 40 is not bad. Age is “Just a State of Mind”. Jee Wiz, I say that every time I sit a while, and can’t get back up. (My husbands thinks it’s funny… he’s a meanie.)

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  19. I wanted to smash my computer when I read 23. Everyday, no matter how long you leave the butter out before, it’s just big stupid butter chunks of either still not toasted enough bread, or cajun style.

    Either way, happy birthday! Here’s a poem for you.

    It’s your birthday.
    Whoop-dee-doo.
    40 years bitter,
    Let’s go to the zoo.

    TA-DAH!

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    • Wow, that is the best poem anyone has ever written for me on my 40th birthday. And also the only one. I want to smash my computer on toast too, but I think the toast would have won that contest too.

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  20. RICE?! What. I don’t really like rice but rice?
    5. Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    8. Yep
    13. Heheheheheheh that’s when you ask WHAT’S THE CRAZIEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE? And they reply I don’t know you weirdo!!!!!!!
    21. Yes you are.
    26. No it is not Somnya (I cant even do it! That took me three tries)
    32. hehe
    40. 😦 Happy Birthday anyway Ben!!!!! I hope it’s a great one.

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  21. May your followers always be numerously.
    May your computer always work reliable.
    May your drafts alway be saved.
    May your comments always be witty.
    and may your real live be vivid and spirited like your blog.
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

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  22. I made it to the end, smiling the whole way 🙂 I think you are being too kind in number 36. I’m pretty sure that obliterating those people from the face of the planet would be a more humane way to “take care” of them.

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