Yesterday I was 39 years old and bitter. Today, I am old and bitter. For those of you who are smart (actually if you were smart you wouldn’t follow this bitter blog) you would have deduced that yesterday was the day before my birthday, making today….the next day. In honor of a day that now makes me 40 years bitter, I decided to do something that would be so time consuming, so mind numbing and so cliche that it would make everyone involved infinitely more bitter. This made perfect sense, since the whole purpose of this blog is to be bitter, to talk about bitter, to expand on our bitterness and to display new and inventive ways to be bitter. Thus the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness that was created two blog posts ago. So with further ado, ramblings and endless introductions, I present to you 40 things I am bitter about:
Okay rambling a little more: I presented a question on my Bitter Blog Facebook (which very few of you joined, which of course I am bitter about), wondering if you would be down for a contest in which if you compete in a simple contest, I will give you a very slim (like lottery slim) chance to win a prize. Would you really care about something like that? If so, would movie tickets be a good prize? Or a bitter T-shirt? Or would we all be bitter off just skipping such a stupid idea? Leave a comment in the comments.. Thanks. Now the list:
1. The baby formula I had when on my original birthday. It was so gross! How could I be forced to eat that stuff?
3. Bright lights. (See my past post on this one.)
4. Tuesdays. (See this past post.)
5. People shamelessly promoting old posts that aren’t funny at all or even worth reading.
6. Skydiving. I’ve never done it and I want to. Why do planes have to work so hard at not letting me jump out of them?
7. Ink blots. Why would you spill your ink all over a piece of paper and then ask me what it looks like? (It looks like your pen broke.)
8. Headaches. (Like the one I have right now.)
9. Blog post ideas from other people.(Just tonight I got 3 from weirdos I call family. Don’t worry, they don’t read my blog.)
10. Bed and Breakfasts. I mean why would I want cereal all over my bed?
11. Long lists that just go on and on and on….
12. Getting distract…
13. Lulls in conversations. (Most awkward words in the English language, So (pause)…
14. Grammar. I before e, except after c, and in some other cases…Does French have rules like that?
15. The red dashes under mispelled wurds. Can thay jusst b perple?
16. Fatty foods that make you fat. Can a steak and cheese sandwich just be slimming once in a while? Can a carrot be fattening?
17. Junk email. I’m still waiting for my $20 million from that guy in Africa that I sent my bank account number to.
18. Hoods. On cars. Why do they have to be so heavy? I can gently shut the hood myself. I’m pretty sure I will lose a limb someday from those things.
19. The number 19. Its such a random number. I mean who said that we had to have a number between 18 and 20?
20. Ice. It is always so cold. Can someone invent a kind of ice that is a little warmer?
21. Facebook birthday reminders. Come tomorrow I’m going to get wished happy birthday by someone that I don’t even know.
22. Hair. Girls have a love/hate relationship with it. I have a disgusting hair in a hairbrush that accidentally gets in my mouth relationship with it.
23. Toast. Does it ever get the right golden brown color it is supposed to be? Does frozen butter ever get spread the right way over it?
24. American Idol. It says somewhere that we aren’t supposed to worship Idols. Especially when they can’t sing.
25. Passwords. I have so many that I just started using Iamsobitterwiththesestupidpasswords as my password for everything.
26. The letter M and N. Can we just combine themn imnto omne letter? They are practically the same thing.
27. Air. Shouldn’t it be free? We have to pay for air to be warmed and to be cooled. Except in my car that only warms it.
28. Cameras. They have all these features that allow me to take a blurry picture of a place no one cares about.
30. Cows. The manatees of dry ground. All they have ever done for us is provide us with milk, meat and cow dung.
31. The ocean. Why does it always have to be so salty? Ever hear of freshwater, ocean?
32. Flies. These idiots get free flights, while I have to pay $500 to go South Dakota.
33. Barbecues. They never seem to clean up after themselves. What are they two year olds?
34. Soccer and Curling. In the Olympics, baseball isn’t. Relax rest of the world. I just think a little more scoring is better for all of us.
35. Math. x/y (2xy-x) * the hypotenuse. Like French, German and women, math is a foreign language.
36. Kardashian. If schadenfreude exists, please allow the KKKKS (Kim,Khloe,Kourtney,Klan, Scott) to get accidental horrifying plastic surgery to their faces.
37. Wind. Fast air. Since we have to pay for air, can we pay to get wind to stop?
38. Emptiness. My wallet is always empty when I need to buy a new Lamborghini, my head empty when people ask me to say something nice.
39. Interviews. Celebrity interviews consist of questions about hair, who they are wearing. My interviews consist of people asking me what is my biggest weakness.
40. Birthdays. Bitter because the fantasy is lavish parties, expensive, well thought out gifts, toasts for being wiser, more handsome, and wittier than ever. Reality is inane questions about how old you are, what you are going to do for your birthday and getting phone calls all day from 50 family member asking those same questions.
Happy Bitter Birthday to me. I wonder if I will even get one person to make it to the end of this fiasco.
Bitter Birthday Ben
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