When I was but a young budding bitterling in elementary school, I learned about this thing called money.  Back then it was just a bunch of semi-silver, copper and green paper.  A teacher probably told me that it had a value of some sort and then I probably shrugged and moved on to trading baseball cards with my friends. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized that this paper was so valuable.

As a long time user of money, I have some questions.  First, if money can’t buy happiness can it buy bitterness? There is a good way to find out.  As one of the most bitter people I know, I volunteer to go through a long term trial (say mine and my kid’s lifetime’s) where I recieve $1 million dollars in unmarked bills per year and I find a way to spend it.  I don’t ask for much right? Every several decades scientists can conduct a 10 minute evaluation on my bitterness to wealth ratio.  This should provide the smart scientists the evidence they need to properly evaluate the money to bitterness ratio.

Unfortunatly, I have been waiting for that piece of mail for a while and it doesn’t seem to be coming.  So my parents told me of a way where I could get small amounts of money but it seems to involve too much work, time and energy.  And if there is something that I don’t have a lot of it is energy.   It would be much easier to just go outside, plant a tree with a $10 bill and have that tree start growing money.

So inquiring minds want to know, why doesn’t money grow on trees? If there are ambitious horticulturists that can grow a hybrid of candy and fruit to create an awesome product like Air Heads, they certainly can mix a 10 dollar bill from my pocket with a seed to make $20, right?  I will be the 17th person in line to donate my money to grow on trees (it should only take them 16 times to get it right, correct?) as long as I get $100 to do it.  Hey, I shouldn’t do anything for free right?  If celebrities don’t do anything for free why should I?

I have been doing things for free for way too long.  It’s time I got paid for doing stuff like standing and appearing in places.  Not like magic.  That is too hard.  I’m talking about getting in my car, driving to a place and just being there and getting paid.  If Kim Kardashian can get paid just for standing in a public place and getting married, surely I should get paid for going to a mall and being there.  I have also been doing things like writing my name on a piece of paper for free too long.  I went to four years of college. I should be getting paid for writing my name.  I’ve signed dozens of autographs on car loans, report cards, and tax forms and have never gotten paid.  Where is my money for signing tax forms The government?  Did it get lost in the mail?

And speaking of the government, why do they get to charge me for things that are supposed to be free?  I’m pretty sure that the sky is the one that originated water, raining (or reigning) it down from the sky.  Yet somehow the government keeps sending me a water bill every month.   But that isn’t enough.  Even though the trees are the ones that provide us with oxygen and take our carbon dioxide, the government seems to want to charge us for the air. They spent a lot of time and money creating global warming so we would either have to heat our air or cool it.  We could never just have the temperature at 72 degrees.  Then how would the government charge us for air?  Luckily though, they government is always fiscally responsible.  Just like me, the government always pays their debts right?

So money makes me bitter because I haven’t seen enough of it.  As a bitter person if given enough money I will promise to spend a lot of it and thus help our economy thrive.  So how about it?  Do it get paid for that?  Or the advice I have written in this blog?  Or for giving carbon dioxide to the trees?  I will be waiting for the check in the mail.

Arrrggghhhh

Bitter Ben