Cross my heart and hope to die, I did not photoshop this in any way(Microsoft Paint, dude. Come on! Like I know how to use Photoshop?)
If there is something that I am good at besides being bitter about something all the time, it is being lazy. I’m not as good as I used to be, but I have lots of experience. Someone that is probably smart once said “Write what you know.” So of course, I write this blog about something that I know about. But in order to bring in money so I don’t have to get off the couch, I have decided to write a book. And by write a book I mean steal this picture from the internet and scratch out the name of the person who actually wrote this book and superimpose my name over the name of the person that came up with the idea.
Don’t worry though, because someone smart also said that there are only about seven different stories ever created and the rest are just variations of those. So, by me taking this cover and superimposing my name on it, I am just doing my “variation” of this story. So boom! Take that, whoever my critics are!
And besides, I will write this book someday, and it will be while on my couch after I take a nap after going through a strenuous several hours of video games. I will email this to some editor that will reject it. And I continue to waste my life complaining about things that will never change. And that will make me bitter and I will post about it. And then take a nap.
Arrrghhh
Bitter Ben “the Author”
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Don’t forget all the time you’re going to waste preparing book proposals and mailing them off to literary agents and publishers, half of whom won’t even bother to reply even though you’ve provided the self-addressed stamp envelopes.
Or am I sounding bitter? Oh, Ben …
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Yes, and I know exactly what you mean! I have received exactly zero out of zero responses of all the book proposals that I have not sent in! I get how bitter you are!
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Be sure and publish your book on Amazon. 😉
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Yes, as awesome as my other book is, I may consider doing somehting like this. It might sell more because who doesn’t want their life to amount to nothing?
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Where can I get this fake book? I think it’ll be a bestseller on the list that compiles the books that sell the least amount of copies.
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Well, if you actually pay the money for the book then it would sell at least one copy and get off the New Jersey’s Worst Seller’s list and you would ruin it all for me! So bitter!
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Being more optimistic than you (but not much more energetic) I have decided to start a publishing company for people who are thinking of writing a book. They can send me a submission fee for their idea and I will send them a professional looking rejection slip telling them that their idea is not quiet ready for publication but keep thinking of ideas and sending them for submission- along with the small fee.
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Dang I am so mad that I didn’t think of the old fake publishing company. I am so bitter now. And here is my fee for my book. So I will be published soon right?
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Sorry but your manuscript idea is not suitable for writing at this time. Please think of a better idea and submit it to us at a later date. (Your fee is non-refundable.)
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You will not discourage me. I will keep submitting to your company over and over again until I get a yes. Here is my non refundable fee for my second time.
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We do want you to know that we appreciate your business and we hope you will keep submitting your non-existent, non-publishable material. It is our pleasure to keep charging your for your humiliation and to help you succeed in being the most bitter human on earth.
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Thank you so much for helping me achieve my dreams!
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That is what we are here for.
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You’re delightful! I came by your blog after you “liked” mine and I was intrigued by your avatar. And I love your variation on the theme of bitterness in each blog post. Cracks me up. Wishing you all the best. In these times, we need people who will make us laugh because there is so much to cry about. Cheers!
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Well you can cry about your bitterness or you can laugh about it and I choose to laugh! Bitter on!
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Um, you will have to put the entire book into quotation marks and say you quoted it all. :p good plan.
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If I could just get a ghostwriter, then I could do the whole thing without getting off the couch. Then I could just get someone else to submit it for me. Then all I would need is one of those Forever Lazy things and I would be gold.
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HAHHAHHA oh man. That sounds crazy!
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Does procrastination fall into the category of accomplishing nothing? I’m a superstar at that!
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You got it sister! Keep perfecting your procrastination and soon enough you will be a pro at doing nothing!
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I’m pretend buying your pretend book right now. Here’s some pretend money. $$$$. Now your pretend rich! Pretend congratulations!
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I am going to send you a pretend autographed copy of my book for your loyalty. Look out for my next pretend book “Send me money for sitting on the couch” next fall.
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LOL so quoting jerry seinfeld, if a book about not accomplishing anything doesn’t sell, is it a success?
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Either way it is a sucess because if it doesn’t sell then that means people aren’t buying the book because they are lazy and they are doing as I instructed and that gives me more power. If it does sell then, yeah money.
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