The Bitter Cure BFG’s

I have a really low opinion of doctor’s, which I why I’ve spent most of my life avoiding them. It blows my mind that a person spends so much time in school learning how to help sick people, and how useless they are at helping sick people. It would be more helpful if they skipped medical school, and instead went to Final Fantasy University to study the healing arts. In FFU, master healers learn how to actually cure people, applying salve, give you potions that heal you 100%, and actual fix wounds. The best part is that they don’t even make you co-pay for it. Even better, they don’t deny you healing if you don’t have insurance, or don’t have a PPO. Earth doctors could learn a thing or two from their video game counterparts.

Real doctors don’t actually cure you. The only thing they do, is send you to a specialist that isn’t covered by your insurance. They WILL offload you to a “specialist” or send you to get an MRI or an X-Ray. Then later, they will tell you that the X-Ray didn’t find the pain, even though you still feel it. The reason they needed to follow up with you to tell you that they couldn’t find anything, is so they can get another co-pay. They will prescribe you some Ibuprofen because that helps alleviate 1% of your pain. What I know for sure is that it isn’t nearly as powerful as the Phoenix Down that my favorite Doctor in Final Fantasy gave my video game avatar.

Recently I had to go see my doctor because I needed a refill on my latest fix, I mean my prescription drugs. Since I’m the only one paying the co-pay, I try to get my money’s worth, by telling him EVERYTHING that is wrong with me. I know he won’t fix any of it, but I figure since his isn’t going to fix me, he can at least be my psychiatrist for a day. I whine about my aching back, my bout with a little satisfaction, my shredded neck, my daddy issues, my sore ribs, and my bad shoulder.

Of course, they always act like they’ve never heard mea talk about these things before, so they diagnose the same thing they always do. Prescribe some anti-happinesses, get an X-Ray, find out my shoulder is arthritic and tell me that the medical community hasn’t figured out a fix. I end up in a gifture (an infinite loop), except he gets a co-pay and I get more bitterness.

I’ve had a bad back forever and just live with that pain. I have a bad neck because I can’t seem to find a good sleeping position, and because I sit at a desk, typing random things on a computer with terrible posture, because I have a bad back. I get depression, because I don’t have my underground bunker yet.

My sore shoulder on the other hand, comes from carrying the weight of the Bitter WordPress Community. I’ve carried the weight of bitterness for almost 50 years, and the BWC for 10 years now and it’s starting to crush my shoulders. No amount of medicine, healing or sending me to a specialist will lighten that burden. I’d ask the rest of Bitter Blogging Community to step up, but we all know that they are as helpful as a doctor sending me to get some X-Rays.

Obviously, I’m the #1 Bitter Blogger in the world. There is no disputing that. The problem is that I’m also 2-10, 11-100, and 101-2,000,000. The next bitterest blog that isn’t me is all the way down at 2 million 42, and that doesn’t help me much. It’s like I’m the princess and the pea, except the next bitter blogger is buried so deep below the 2 million mattresses that not only are they suffocating, but even a bitter princess like me can’t detect any help down there.

I’d ask you all to help, but I know it’s too much work for you. Bitterness is in my DNA, it’s my oxygen, it’s in my bloodstream. I know no true happiness. Every other bitter blogger is just a doctor of bitterness. They study the affects of happiness in the body and how bitterness could slow it down or suppress it for a bit. But none of them truly know how beneficial bitterness is in curing happiness from the body.

Some of bitter bloggers might be able to send you to get an X-Ray and diagnose traces amounts of happiness in your body, but they are only treating the symptoms. My bitter blog methodology is the only true cure for happiness. Dr. Bitter Ben recommends reading all my blogs, taking two bitter pills, and observe the eternal loops (giftures) below…

Unlike video game healers…

…doctors still haven’t figured out how to cure swirling eyes.

In Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…

…one slice of pizza can heal half your power.

This is the way…

…doctor’s feel about co-pays.

In Legend of Zelda…

…Link get’s all his life back just by visiting a fairy.

In Dark Soul’s…

…he just drinks some soda to restore 100% health.

My doctor…

…prescribes two of these for 1% pain relief for two hours.

Or he’ll send me to get one of these…

…so I can learn that I’m blue inside.

Since I co-pay so much…

…I at least try to get a session in.

No wonder I have such sore shoulders…

…I’ve been carrying the Bitter Blogging Community for 10 years.

I can’t feel any of your bitternesses…

…below all these mattresses.

Bitterness is just…

…in my core, my blood and my bones.

So I’m the only one with the true cure…

…to happiness.


12 thoughts on “The Bitter Cure BFG’s

  1. The medical thing I can SO relate to. I’m stuck in an endless loop of driving my mom to and from appointments like these. One appointment to actually address the issue, and like 10 more for followups. I get you, Ben.


  2. I was almost happy, but after just one of your blogs, my bitterness completely recovered. Doctors won’t tell you about this miracle cure. It’s only available on the internet until it’s shut down by the FDA.


  3. I hate to tell you this, but your blog posts only manage to make me feel happy. Zero bitterness. (Though that gif with the mattresses just infected me with incurable swirly eyes.) 😵‍💫

    Liked by 1 person

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