Thanks to a lot of cartoons I watched when I was young, I know way more about the universe than scientists. I learned from highly literary sources such as He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, Transformers, and of course, the Superfriends. I learned that there is definitely intelligent life out there and it isn’t us. I also learned that we are a young planet full of really weak humans. Everyone out there is really strong, and has advanced technology and we have a long way to go if we are going to compete in their space (Get it? Space?).

As a species, we have done a little bit to reach out to other intelligences in the universe. We built Universal Studios in Florida and California, as a means to entice people to visit Earth. We’ve encouraged them with our greatest natural resource, amusement parks, and the most excellent smelling churros. We could lower the prices a little on the food, and the cost of the fastpass though as it seems like it might be a deterrent for them. In fact, with inflation making it so expensive to visit the earth, we might be driving away even the richest of civilizations away. Thankfully, most of them are fans of Harry Potter and his Harry Potter World in general. Many of them want to get a personalized wand based on their favorite character and find out what house they are in (most of them are Slytherins). Many of them are really curious what Butterbeer tastes like and they definitely want to ride the Hogwarts express to the other side of the Universe-al Studios. If we can deceive them into thinking that there are no lines at Universal with our clever marketers, we get an advanced alien civilization to visit any day now.

On the other hand, we may need to rebrand the Men In Black ride. Instead of calling it Men In Black Alien Attack, we should probably change it to Men In Black, Welcome Aliens Back.

For now, let’s just have Universal lower the prices.

It might also help if Universal could release some movies that don’t make us seem insane, like Cocaine Bear that is coming out at the end of this month. We might all want to see it, but the aliens might think that we feed bears cocaine, if we let them see that one. Let’s just stick to superhero movies for now.

Speaking of the Universe, people like to say that people with big ego’s “you think you are the center of the universe.” People with big ego’s aren’t the center of the universe. I am.

You probably think that I’m the most egotistical person in the universe right now. Maybe, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m the center of the universe. It is correct that I am not the sun, because if I was, it would be really hot right, because I’m not 93 million miles from earth. It’s also true that I’m not a black hole, because that would suck…you all in.

It’s also true that I’m not the center of attention. I hate being the center of attention. I can’t even go to a party and be the only one talking. I definitely don’t like being the center of a meeting. I don’t even like being to the right of the center of attention, because some of that attention might spill on me by accident. Find me a nice wall and I will hold it up all party long. I mgiht even have a full on conversation with the wall, because talking to you is worse than talking to a brick wall. I’m allergic to attention. It gives me hives and I break out in stuttering. The center of attention, I am not.

That doesn’t mean I’m not the center of the universe. From my perspective, everything that happens in the universe centers around me. It starts right in my brain and in my hands and in my feet and in my long intestine. That’s not an ego thing, it’s just what I see. No matter where I go, the universe follows. Definitely not a fan of the universe stalking me.

In fact, I may need to go to the police to get a restraining order on the universe, because it seems to be following me everywhere I go. I’m very uncomfortable with the universe tailgating me. I’m going the speed limit and no faster. I don’t even do anything interesting, so the universe should just move on to someone else on TikTok. The universe is putting me in a spotlight, even though its the only one looking at me and I don’t appreciate it.

No matter how hard I try to escape gravity and just be left in my corner of the universe, it keeps putting me right back into the center of it all. I’m like Michael Corleone in Godfather 3. Just when I thought I was out, it pulls me back in. Except instead of the mob, the universe just uses gravity to keep me in the center of the universe.

I just need to find Superman, Thor and He-Man so they can teach me how to fly, wield the mighty Mjolnir, and use a sword to transform myself from a weakling to He-Man, Master of the Universe. I will be able defy gravity, and learn how to breathe in space. Then I can go to some unused corner of the universe, where I will finally have time to write my novel, play video games and watch TV as late as I want. The best part is I won’t be invited to any parties, because no one will be able to find me, even on a powerful telescope. And the square footage in my space will be unlimited. I will finally have my own space. Get it?

Until then, I’m stuck here in the center of the universe, with all your beady eyes laser focused on me. Please stop, or when I learn to use my laser eyes, I will use them to get rid of you.

ARRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Center of the Universe Ben