Water We Doing Bitter Friday Giftures

My favorite thing to do at work is chatting and chilling with my co-workers. Who needs headphones or distracting work when you can absentmindedly trade small talk with your co-workers. The day wouldn’t feel complete without having to get off your headphones so you can answer such questions as, “Good morning”. I feel like I’m on the hardest quiz show in the world, trying to figure out what to say back. I know they’ve said this phrase to me every day for the last two years, so I should have practiced the correct phrase back, but I’m drawing a blank.

I’ll have to go into my database of phrases to say back. Computing…

  1. Fine, Thanks
  2. Great
  3. Good Morning
  4. Good Day
  5. Working hard, or hardly working.
  6. Can I tell you a funny story about what happened yesterday?

I’m going to need to add another few responses to this database. “Buzz off! I’m on my headphones!” Unfortunately, my mouth couldn’t form the words, because my brain allows those thoughts, but there is an unacceptable phrase blocker in my mouth. So, unfortunately, my brain punishes me by replacing my bitter phrase with, “Working hard, or hardly working?” And now I’m using the cheesy phrase I would never voluntarily say in a million years.

On the other hand, they are embarrassed by it, and don’t know what to say back, so they put their headphones on, which gives me the socially acceptable excuse to go back to my comfort zone. So, while my brain betrayed my mouth, it worked out in the end. Back to my safe haven and zone in to work.

But what happens when our company does something radical like make us interact with our co-workers at a company retreat? You know, going offsite to present stuff and then do something fun like ziplining. When things get awkward there is no safe headphones or computer or work to use as a buffer from having to talk to people?

I’m not saying that this kind of thing happening today and I’m trying to use my blog as therapy to get through it. Because I’m not saying that.

Good thing, because that sounds downright awkward. Too bad my son doesn’t have a football game tonight that I really want to make instead of forced corporate fun bonding. Nope, it’s just going to be a regular day of boring work and listening to podcasts while I sail off boringly to 4 pm where work will end and the weekend of watching TV and being lazy will commence.

The only way I can cope is to allow all my readers and followers to share in the pain by seeing how painful I predict the day would go (if this was actually how the day was going to go): Enjoy the Bitter Friday Giftures as much as I’m going to not:


…please bring the cheese.

When people are just staring at you…

…waiting for you to take off your headphones.

Forced hugs are bad enough…

…but work hugs…

Exhibit #1 why…

…not to date a co-worker.

Dancing is always a great place…

…to start some awkwardness.

Screaming is always a good way…

…to build up more tension.

Exhibit #1 why to never…

…sit too close to a co-worker.

Or do a show…

…with your ex.

Or have a boss…

…who thinks he’s funny.

Do you remember the time…

…yeah that was the funniest.

So wish me the best as I go hang out with my fellow co-workers as homies. ITS GOING TO BE SO FUN! I now know why they call them retreats. Because I want to retreat.

Bitter Water We Doing HERE Ben

18 thoughts on “Water We Doing Bitter Friday Giftures

    • Right? Because what morning is good? Everything is worse in the morning. Have these people ever woken up and been like, man it’s good to be alive. Except maybe characters in movies. With their hair looking perfect and makeup perfect as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Solution: get to be the boss. Ban bullshipe like “bonding retreats.” Or declare them socially unacceptable for encouraging immoral behaviors like shaking hands, group hugs, honesty sessions, and truth or dare games. Or as a plebe, file suit for being forced to attend then mentally abused by all your co workers except Sally Weiness, the wannabe goth.


  2. I go on daily reading retreats with my coworker. Of course, my coworker is my dog, and our “retreats” are mostly playing fetch in the backyard. His small talk is mostly staring at me until I pay attention, so headphones are no good.


  3. I had co-workers who would not stop talking, and with the “open office” environment (code for everyone talk and do no work), I started wearing headphones to better concentrate on what we all were supposed to be doing…working. Everyone around me looked offended at that fashion statement, like I was not being a team player. Not that I’m bitter or anything…


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