Defending My Territory

I was just looking at some photos of Scotland this morning. They really took me on a stroll down memory lane. My favorite memory of Scotland? That I wasn’t at work, and I wasn’t writing a stupid blog post that would get 15 views and 25 likes. Those were some pretty great memories. If only I could go back to Scotland, just so I could avoid working again. What would they do if I was in Scotland? Try to make me work? I would just claim that both the Wi-fi and I refuse to work in Scotland.

There are a few more memories I have of Scotland, though it was a month ago, so forgive me if I forgot everything about that trip. If there was one other thing that I really liked about Scotland, it was that I finally understand my roots, I discovered my people. Scot has a history. He has a history of constantly being bullied from his older and stronger brother, England. England was always going into Scots room, telling him that this room belonged to England. Scot was allowed to live in his room, but he had to pay his older brother England a living in his own room tax. And whenever Scot has a girlfriend, England got first dating rights before Scot could date her. England always got the better food (like Blood Pudding), while Scot ended up having the leftovers like haggis.

Haggis gives us superpowers.

Now do you know why Scots have so many castles? Besides the fact that everyone else in Europe had castles and they just had to jump on the year 1200 Instagram trend? Because Scots always had to defend themselves and their land. Well, Scotland stepped in a huge way and formed a middle ages version of the Superfriends. It was started by William Wallace who could shoot fireballs out of his eyes and lightning out of his…you know. Then there was Robert the Bruce, who could leap tall castles in a single bound and destroy 50 Englishman with his bare hands. Then, there was Mary Queen of Scots who weaved her hair into a lasso of truth that could compel kings to tell the truth and had bracelets that could block fiery arrows. The most underrated and powerful duo was the Wonder Twins named Craig and Charlie Reid, a powerful duo who went by the stage name the Proclaimers, and sang the song “500 Miles” which rallied troops like no one ever could.

The most important Superfriend? The Proclaimers.

I was given the same powerful Scottish strength as my forekings and forequeens because I am constantly under attack just as they were. Except my territory is called introversion and it is attacked every single day. My enemies are much more powerful and nefarious. They are called little kids and extraverts and they attack me at home and on the outside. Little kids come when I least expect it, both day and night. They use such brutal attacks as ringing our doorbell, which pierces not only to the center of my earlobes, but to my very heart. This immediately sends me into attack mode. I defend my fortress daily from little kids who enter my land unprovoked.

I immediately spring into action. The first thing I do is hold up my hand close three of my fingers and my thumb and raise my index finger firmly to my mouth. Then I clamp my teeth together and form the sound. SHHHHHH! This simple and swift motion of shhhing, let’s my family know the pre-planned strategy. They are prepared. They leap to their feet with the quietest possible touch. They know every floorboard, every uneven surface in the fortress. They know if they step on one tiny crack, it will break my wife’s back.

The power of the Shhh!

My daughter goes for the curtains and shuts them in the quietest and smoothest way. My wife turns the TV down, and shuts down Alexa, so Alexa doesn’t spill that we are home. I walk down the hall avoiding the floorboards that will give us away. I try to see who it is through the peephole, without being discovered by the enemy.

The enemy is persistent though. They try to penetrate the fortress of introversion with their most powerful weapons. They ring the doorbell again. And they wait. Persistence, annoyance and Complete Lack of Self-awareness is their strength. They want the holy grail of FREE CANDY not on Halloween, but this will not be their day. I must be like Gandalf. THEY MUST NOT PASS.

They must not be allowed to have the candy. It will make the too strong in battle.

I look at my wife as she shuts down Alexa. I can see her cracking. She’s about to give in. I must not let her. If she allows these menaces to pass through the gates, with the spoils of candy, they will never stop trying to get more. They will have tasted the power of sugar and the sugar will never let them stop. It makes them stronger and bolder. And soon, they will bring more of their miniature soldiers for more candy. If that happens, our kingdom of Introversion will never be safe again.

We had not counted on our son, who was upstairs and one of the rare extroverts in our kingdom. What if he tired of the doorbell and let the miniature rascals in. I had to prevent him from opening that door. I can hear him stirring in the upstairs of the castle. He must be warned. But I must sneak past the very door which rings loudly in order to warn our Extrovert.

I slowly walk past the door and up the stairs. I open his door and with my strongest weapon, the SHHH, I look at the boy and use it to quiet him. “The kids are downstairs and they want more candy. Can you just make sure you keep quiet up here?” He shrugs and goes back to sleep. The extravert has been quieted.

A few more tense moments before we hear a muffled, “Hmm. They must not be home. Maybe…we’ll come back later.”

I take a deep sigh. It’s over…for now. They will be back. But we will be ready for them.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH (in a quiet voice)

Bitter Defending My Territory Ben


12 thoughts on “Defending My Territory

  1. My first thought was of a little man with an S on his back being chased around by a big man with an E on his back and I couldn’t get that image out of my head … until I saw the kid at the ballgame. Almost like ice cream brain freeze but with blue cotton candy. I that a tiny Linda Blair?? Epic GIF!


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