In case you haven’t been hanging on every one of my blog words (if you haven’t, shame on you), I recently took a trip to Scotland. I’ve talked a lot about Scotland lately and you’re going to hear about it whether you like it or not. Although today’s post isn’t even about Scotland. It’s more about the trip getting to Scotland. And all other trips for that matter.
Recently, I was talking to my friend about the trip. I told him it was the trip of a lifetime. Not only because my great, great ancestors came from there, but because I will probably never be able to make it back there. It’s expensive and I don’t have money (mostly because my GoFundONLYme’s don’t seem to be working. Do I have to have a good reason for these to work?). I used to think if I had any money, I would do a lot of traveling. But then when I went on a few trips, I realized that I don’t like traveling at all.
First of all, tell me this. If you go to an exotic foreign land, how much is that place really different than the place you live right now? I made this point by sending my family a picture of the first day of my trip. It was a picture of an old ancient burial ground that was historic in nature. But what was it really? It was a big pile of rocks. Did you know that we have big piles of rocks right near my house that I can visit any time if I want to? To prove it, my wife sent me back a picture of a big pile of rocks that she took right near our house.
Grass, trees, gorgeous sunsets, and buildings whether they are ancient or modern, exist everywhere. Even the 7 Wonders of the World are basically rocks, buildings, grass, sun or water. Mt. Rushmore is just rocks, Taj Mahal is just a big building, Stonehenge is a pile of rocks, the Pyramids are just rocks and a building, and Machu Pikachu is a bunch of rocks and grass. You could tell me about the most amazing trip you’d ever been on, and I could trash it all to heck by asking what you favorite part was, and then I’d tell you, “Oh, wow, cool rocks, or ooh buildings. Oh there was a sunset? Yeah, we can see the sun too.”
It might be out of jealousy and spite, but in the end, all those things can be found in your neighborhood. And a kid with a little imagination can have a better vacation than you.
The sad part is that that isn’t even the worst part of traveling. The worst part of traveling is the traveling. I might enjoy vacations a little more if I was automagically transported to the place by Holodeck or Lightspeed. But us humans haven’t figured out a way to do Lightspeed (or government regulations have denied us the chance to try).
So far, the collective geniuses of this world are still stuck on the invention that Wilber and Orville Redenbacher invented back in the previous millennium. Airplanes. The airlines that are in charge of the airplanes just aren’t trying anymore. The Redenbacher’s would be so ashamed and quite simply disgusted that we haven’t done anything to advance the technology more.
You’d think after the pandemic decimated the airline industry for two years would at least try to get better. Did you know in the 1950’s when airline travel started commercially, everyone had space for their legs, they served meals and they didn’t make you line up like cattle that were getting milked and then were turned into hamburgers. They even allowed you to check bags for free.
Airlines are the only technology that has gotten progressively worse over the years. If you’ve taken a trip that had multiple stops and your trip wasn’t delayed, cancelled, overbooked, or had some sort of mechanical troubles, or lost or broke your luggage, then it must have been in the 50’s. They go out of their way to help you feel stressed, angry, frustrated, upset, so that when you start your vacation or important business trip, it gets off on the wrong foot.
And just when you can’t believe that they charge money for Wi-Fi, or an extra bag or peanuts, or they are kicking your luggage filled with all your glass vases down in the baggage area, they have the gall to ask you if you want to pay extra money to join their frequent flier rewards program…with a phony smile.
The problem is that they know they have you by the cajones. They know right now, they are really the only way to get to Europe in 8 hours. They know if there was ever a faster way to get places, they would have to step up the service in a major way for them not to go bankrupt faster than you can say “government bailouts?”
Well, get ready, because they are in for a problem. Here comes that business that going to end the airline industry. Or at least it’s going to make them try again.
I just happen to know a couple of guys named Thor and Superman. They are both really good at flying and their bodies are superhero tough enough to do it in altitudes where their bodies don’t get cold. They promised to let me use a little of their DNA’s and I know a couple of scientists (Bruce Banner and Tony Stark) that are going to help me mass produce a shot that will not only prevent you from getting COVID, colds and flus, but give you the ability to fly. Don’t worry though, we won’t require anyone to take it. Especially if you don’t love travel, like me. I would have no use for it.
Actually, that’s not quite true. I will start traveling, but only the kind that I like. The travel from the couch to the fridge to the media room, to the underground basketball court, to indoor pool and sauna I have in my 100,000 square foot mansion. I may visit the moat and multiple trap doors and hidden rooms in the house.
Then and only then, me and the airlines are finally going to have something in common. I’m going to give up trying too. I’ll take my 51% of the company that makes trillions and I will stop trying. I would pretend to want to fly in for the yearly board meetings, but then just be too busy not caring.
You and the airlines can figure it all out.
You can still expect weekly Bitter Friday Giftures though…usually about how my sauna wasn’t working or other first world problems like….
Why my chocolate fountain…
Or why my favorite pile of rocks…
Or getting mad because…
Or because the pyramids haven’t been transported…
Or why my face hasn’t been etched…
Because Superman…
Thor…
And Hasselhoff…
And who do birds think they are…
And if airlines think they make us wait…
Cram us into uncomfortable…
Then they have another thing…
Since today is Friday, you should be like me and the airlines and start not trying anymore. Because you know your customers are going to buy your product no matter what you do, right?
ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Not Caring Anymore Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Excellent advice and you have saved us a lot of travel troubles, I have been to Stonehenge so don’t need to visit any other stones. I too am waiting till I can be magically transported , then perhaps I might get to visit the USA.
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I’ll switch you the USA for where you are from. Especially if it’s Scotland.
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Brilliant! And true in every direction. Thanks for the subtle humor!
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I never really think of my humor as subtle, unless you think beating stuff over the head with a hammer.
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I go places here in town and I look around and say, “You know, if we had spent a lot of money and travelled for days to get here, you’d say ‘This is fantastic!’ “
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True, but on the other hand, I would see my couch and say, “I love this couch! Let me sit on it!”
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Bitter,
It scares me how much we are alike! I also decided that I hated traveling, years ago. For all the lovely reasons you listed. In 2019 I took a cruise ship around the British Isles. We had 2 or 3 ports of call in Scotland. Funny how you forget some little details, isn’t it?
Anyway, the country is gorgeous, and the shetland ponies are real!
I doubt I would go there again. Their weather in mid-August was WAY too cold. I kept saying, “I cannot believe this is summer here!”
Great post!
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It shouldn’t scare you. Being bitter is more common than you think. In fact, I believe bitter runs in my Scottish blood, which I can understand, because like you said, it’s cold there even in the summer.
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PPS – just letting you know I’m sharing your post on my FB group called Write Here. 👍🏼
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Sounds good. Make sure they all donate to my GoFundOnlyMe.
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👍🏼
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Excellent! Exactly why I stopped trying years ago. I can’t remember the last place I traveled to that I couldn’t get to by car. If it’s that far, I ain’t going. Period. Unless I could spread my arms and fly like a bird. Come on! Who doesn’t want to fly?! If anyone says they don’t want to fly, they’re lying and I don’t want to be friends with them. Traveling is hell so I’ll take a pass, thanks. BTW – kudos for this: automagically. It is way cool! It’s almost as great as my made up word: whatthefuckedness. And because I feel a sort of empathy with/for you, I’m allowing you to see it but you can’t show anyone. 🙈 PS – at this very moment I am sitting in a building looking at a large rock on the grass in my very own backyard. So there! 🪨
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I wish I could take the credit for automagically, but I think WordPress might use it too. Though they probably stole it from me, so you know. Anyways, I like your word too. Made up words are the best!
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We have to speak in pig latin when talking about WP; they’re probably watching us right now with one of those faster cameras you wish you had. 👀
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That’s true. ordpress-way is watching you so make sure you turn off your cameras before typing this.
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They’ll never break THAT code! LOL!!
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Yep, their algorithm isn’t smart enough to figure out pig latin. HAAH
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I pretty much agree with you about travel. Places are all the same. The historic buildings all look like churches and mountains and rivers are all the same. I haven’t tried flying lately as I hear such terrible things about it and I can get Covid at home. You can’t even take a roadtrip due to the price of gasoline.
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That’s right. Like people really think they need to fly on a plane and go somewhere exotic when they can get Covid right here.
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The absolute worst part of traveling is definitely the traveling. An underground basketball court…I’m all in.
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At least the underground basketball court used to have appeal. Until I got old and not energetic enough to play basketball.
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And why does Hasselhoff have magical flying powers but I don’t? I’m a Pagan Magician damn it, I should be able to pull rabbits out of my Ass, I mean hat, and turn my urine into an actual gold shower to pay the IRS and laugh at them because I sent them piss as payments. What’s wrong with me?!
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I always question why Hasselhoff gets special powers. Everything he did past Knight Rider was joke. In the meantime, I’m getting better at being bitter by the day, but I’m not rewarded with the gift of flight. You’re a pagan magician and you don’t get the ability to shoot lasers out of your eyes. What is going on here?
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I know dude! I am complaining to the Gods! Why can’t I shoot lazers out of my eyes or my arse for that matter?!
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Yeah, the arse would be awesome, because William Wallace would have been able to take down the whole English Army when he mooned them.
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YES!!!!
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I don’t know why but I keep forgetting my wordpress password; and I just can’t help read your content and comment on it. So a password reset is something that goes in hand with commenting here. I don’t live by the beach so I have to travel to get to one, then you have the season travelers that can actually afford that kind of travel where they move to a warm place if they are cold and to a cold place if they are warm. I hate the part when they charge you for the peanuts it reminds me of what I get paid for the work I do and Elephants aren’t jealous of me, they have it hanging bigger
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I’ve never forgotten my WordPress one, but since I used my old work email as my WordPress one. Bad idea, because they shut it down and I had to prove that I owned the site by having them send a lost password to my old work email…that I lost. It was a spiral that took me 6 months and many lost subscribers and readers. But don’t worry. I’m not bitter.
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