I haven’t asked for much in life except unlimited wealth, unlimited health and unambiguous adoration from everyone, without having to talk to any of them. And of course, an underground bunker to store all my wealth and to protect me from people. Oh, and a moat, because they would be fun to store sharks, alligators, leaches, snakes and spiders, to scare people away. Oh, and also laser beams to shoot at people that are just not getting the point. They can be attached to alligators’ heads, so as not to confuse me from Dr. Evil. Because I’m not completely bald yet.

In other words, I want to live in a video game world, with all the cheat codes.

As I say to most everyone that will listen to me, I don’t ask for much, just everything.

I know most of those things are out of reach, but you know what they say, if you reach for the sun, you’ll get burned, so don’t do that.

And also, if you set your goals high, you’ll ALWAYS be disappointed, which I’ve always been. So, I know I set my goals high.

For now, I’ll settle for one thing that I must have, and this is no joke. The other day, I was having a heck of time sleeping, because I think someone stole me in the middle of the night and dragged me on the concrete for a couple of hours and then put me back in bed without me knowing. Either that, or I took a prescription drug that keeps me too wired to sleep.

When I can’t sleep, I tend to remember my dreams. This particular night, I had my favorite recurring dream, where I’m in a huge house with lots of hidden rooms. They are great, because you can use them to avoid people, which is my favorite game. In fact, if my life really was a video game, it would be an escape game. Not from ghosts, terrorists, zombies, or even cult leaders. It would be from people at a party that wanted to “talk to me for a second”. Note to self, if you ever get the chance to work for a video game company, this is your pitch for a game.

That very same morning after I slept horrifically for the 17885th time in my life, I was watching a story on the news. They were featuring companies that were looking for employees. The company they featured was a big seller of beds, but they were now venturing into a new type of business. Hidden Doors.

You have no idea how much I want a hidden door/hidden room in my house. In fact, I want a whole house of hidden doors. How fun would it be to say, be at home watching your kids, and they are crying or whining or just bugging the heck out of you. Then you just say, “I’m going to go the kitchen”, I’ll be right back!” and then disappear into your hidden room and just chill in there playing video games until they stop crying and fall asleep.

Or say, some neighborhood kids keep knocking on your door asking for candy everyday for the last 2 months, even though Halloween isn’t for three more months. And you just want to lock up the candy for yourself instead of feeding ungrateful crotch goblins. Hop in your hidden room with a nice surveillance camera, along with a voice changer that makes you sound like a creepy monster.

Or a Dunder Mifflin paper salespeople named Michael Scott, Dwight Shrute, Jim Halpert or Bill Buttlicker, comes knocking on your door trying to sell you some paper. In that case you invite them into your secret room so you can ask they how it is to work at Dunder Mifflin. But if say it was a guy trying to sell a water heater, or a home warranty, retreat to your hidden room and pretend you aren’t home.

If only there was some way to view the people that visited your house, so you could make the decision on whether to retreat to your hidden room or not. Maybe some sort of camera, you know, that you could put inside your doorbell or something. That would be cool. Maybe someone should invent something like that. Call it Camera Doorbell or something.

My need for a hidden room exceeds everything. Even food, water and sleep. I’m not going to do any of those things until my demands for a hidden door/hidden room are met. If you see me slumped over on the ground dying from sleep exhaustion, or thirst, don’t call 911. Head down to your local hidden door salesfloor and demand a hidden door be sent my house immediately.

Before you do that, make sure you read this post and view these Bitter Friday Giftures…

Yeah, but…

Water is $10 a dozen…

You can sleep anytime…

Secret doors to secret rooms…

Protection from…

Respite from…

Recovery from…

A way to avoid people…

A way to plot…

And thwart…

A way to keep kids asking for candy…

And of course…

As I said before, if it was possible to come up with a camera or something that could use to monitor your front door, I bet you could make a lot of money. Just saying. In the meantime, I haven’t slept, ate or had a drink of water, because I’m still waiting for someone to get me a hidden door/room. Come quickly…it’s getting dark…

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Hidden Door Ben